Quote:
Originally Posted by mistermaggie
I suffer from major depression as well as dysthymia, and I’m faced with many other difficulties in life. I’m virtually unemployable and I’m under pressure to get a job from my family, who are cutting off financial support in the nect couple months. I don’t have a career and don’t have references, at least I don’t think I do anymore. My former supervisor initially expressed support for me, but subsequent emails requesting a reference for jobs I’ve applied to have been met with silence. Perhaps he changed his mind.
I have erred in significant ways. I was transitioning MtF and changed my name and took hormones. I decided to detransition a year ago. I’m suffering from feeling like I disfigured myself. Hormones have lasting consequences. It is difficult to change your name a second time and I also have to change my gender marker, which is even more difficult.
Last year my life was uprooted when I had a mental breakdown. My uncle gave me an ultimatum to go to Texas for treatment. I was in an institution for two months. Too bad it didn’t help my self esteem. I left to do another outpatient program and didn’t find it could help me. Part of my issue is that my life is stalled for the reasons above and there is not a lot of hope to get out of this rut at this point.
Due to the transient nature of my life, I can’t legally drive (CA refuses to send me my title because of the bame vhange; I never changed my name with them on my title form and they want to see a matching ID). I’m losing my car insurance in a few days because I can’t supply a W-2 or utility bill verifying my address. I also no longer afford health insurance; they jacked up my rate to over $400 a month because I have no employment and don’t qualify for a subsidy. If I didn’t leave California I could have at least changed my name and got the car situation handled. I was however not making it there and was incredibly lonely.
My best bet it to go back to Iowa where I have no friends and where there is little for me. Honestly I think I can deal with that. However with my mom having remarried and her husband not liking me I will not have a place to live. I could sleep on my sister’s couch, but she has a newborn son, three huge dogs, a new husband who might not let me do this, and her house on top of this she lives in a tiny one floor ranch house. What’s sad is I have been running away from home my whole life, trying to escape the tragedies I have suffered and my social alienation.
Anyway I am in the dirt, am on rock bottom, and feel there is no hope for me. My father commited suicide almost ten years and it was his 65th birthday last week. I have had to deal my whole life with nobody caring about me. A little over a year ago my boss flippantly said “if you died no one would care.” I think about my past and present and it leaves me in tears. Too much grief, too little hope. I don’t want to die but I can’t imagine what my life is going to be like in five years, ten years, at this rate.
What’s scary is at 27 years of age nothing is set in stone for me. I may be unsuccessful my whole life. I like to think I have positive qualities, including great sense of humor and am a good friend, but I have been shunned my whole life, and know I feel completely discarded by society.
I appreciate you reading this, it was a long post. Thanks again.
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This makes me cry. I'm so sorry that you have had to endure the alienation and bullying that is associated with being "different". I recently found out that one of my friends on fb was not LGBTQ friendly and the posts that followed were beyond offensive. Mr. Macho
You're just as important as anyone else, and your life has value. Like you said yourself, your sense of humor and being a good friend are a HUGE deal in relationships. A true friend accepts you for who you are and at 27 you've got plenty of time to find the right friends. When I was reading your post two movies came to mind - "To Wong Foo With Love, Julie Newmar" and "The Birdcage". And probably "The Crying Game".
I know this post is from April but hoping you're still reading and responding. I'm going to go read the thread and find out lol.
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