Can someone read my story. (depressed, insurance, pregnant, therapy)

[Hotmess20]

I hate being on this earth. It all started when I a little kid. We moved from my favorite place with trees and grass, a few friends, to the middle of nowhere, dry and dirt. I was a new kid in school going into 5th grade. The second day of being there everybody thought I was weird and quiet. So I didn’t have any friends.

During the middle of the school year my dad starts abusing me. Touching me places that were not appropriate. Trying to take off my underwear in front of my mom. My mom thought is funny like my dad just messing around but I knew it wasn’t normal and I felt really uncomfortable. He never did anything to my brother like that.

Also my half sister would make me feel like crap because our dad married my mom. It wasn’t my fault that I’m born. She hated me and she would tell me all these bad things about myself. So then I was even more quiet at school. I didn’t talk to anybody. I got even more insecure and wouldn’t eat. I would gain weight by not eating or would only eat junk food. So through out my school career I would be bullied at home and school because I gained weight, people thought I was pregnant.

I was always a loner. I never told my dad or mom how I felt or anyone. I pretended nothing happened but it really affected me as a person as I got older. Once I graduated high school. I thought I was free. After high school I was always be distant from my dad. He calls me fat and ugly, luckily he stopped touching me but only because I would try to stay away from him.

I just wanted to start focusing on myself until one day my brother introduced me to this guy who I thought really liked me. He was just using me for sex. I was using him for emotional support. First love. Then I noticed that I started to use guys for emotional support after that. I would always want attention or be clingy.

I would look at their social media just to be sure I wasn’t be cheating but I always find someone cheating on me. I had nothing better to do. Because my dad abused me mentally and physically, I wanted To find a safe secure relationship with a man but after all the a holes I been with now I can’t trust anyone.

I never had the feeling of being loved my someone else, I’m always giving my love but I never get it back. I would always end up getting hurt because all they want is sex and tell me lies that they love me. I never told anyone until my bf that’s current. My boyfriend made me feel special and loved me at first. Ever since we are lockdown he doesn’t pay attention to me. Says hurtful things to me. I don’t feel loved anymore. I fell for the love trap again.

I live with my parents at 25. I have to wake up and see my abuser everyday. He still calls me fat and ugly. Always negative. I hate living here and I try to move out but it’s too expensive. I live in California. The rent here is so much. I don’t have a good paying job (minimum wage). I am currently laid off because of the corona virus. I can’t make any money to try to get out.

My dad isn’t working rn either and so then he is always here and I have no place to go other than my room but I hate being in my room. There is nothing to do. Anyways, I have an associates degree in math and science but I don’t know how I got it. I’m not that smart. I can’t find a job using my degree.

I have hypoglycemia (diabetes) from my past by not eating healthy which keeps me being able to find a full time job because I always feel like I’m going to pass out. I try to eat unhealthy today so I can go into a coma and never wake up.

This year in August I don’t have medical insurance anymore. I have no where to go. I feel lost. I don’t have anyone to talk too. I don’t trust humans because they all hurt me. I don’t have friends. I cry every night because I hate my life. My bf isn’t taking me serious. I just wanna die now because I already know I’m going to die lonely when I get older. I’d rather die now because I’m tired of people hurting me.

I’m a caring, nice and naive person. I never did anything to anyone. I just have hatred in my heart but not enough to kill people. I’d rather Kill myself. People tell me on different online forums that I’m just looking for someone to feel sorry for me. Maybe I am but I been through a lot and I’m tired of it.

It’s hard staying strong, especially now that I can’t do anything from this lockdown. I broke my toe cleaning my bathtub. I was cleaning it so I can relax and enjoy life but I dropped something heavy on my foot and I can’t get out bed because it hurts so bad.

[jonesg]

You can find help at overeaters anonymous.
They have online meetings, they are waiting to hear from you.

[CLfan1977]

I’m sorry you haven’t had the love and support you deserve in your life. Being stuck at home is extra hard when you’re depressed.

Can you find a phone number for a group that helps survivors of childhood sexual abuse? Possibly they can connect you with people to talk to and help you develop coping tools. You are a survivor—give yourself credit for that. And it sounds like you understand the connection between your abuse and seeking “love” from men who don’t have your best interests at heart. You can work on behaving differently but it takes time.

Our childhood doesn’t have to determine how we live as adults. I hope you can find help. Good luck.

[liv_00]

I know this feeling, been through it, too. Was unhappy, lonely, sick and poor when I was 25. Then, a couple years after, I left my homeland and migrated to Australia and the life I led there was just terrible... Now i'm 34, finally home and married to one of us, although the current coronavirus situation has been driving us all crazy...

If you want to talk email me - Mod cut.

[WorldKlas]

You have had unfortunate experiences and not an ideal childhood. That’s very sad. All that happened when you were a minor and had no control over the path of your childhood. Now you are an adult and you have total control over your life and how you want to lead it.

Your experiences with men (other than your Dad) are not unique. Many, if not most, young women meet tons of bad frogs in the journey to find a partner.

This shelter in place time is very weird for everyone and can lead to some bad behaviors.

In the end, only you can determine how your life will go. You have good self awareness, and understand all the reasons that you are overweight. Now you have to decide if you want to continue to be overweight for the rest of your time here on earth. If you do, then accept it. If you don’t, then change it. Your body is totally under your control and not a tool to get a sweetheart or anything else. If you feel healthy and fit, and are satisfied with your image, then ignore others and don’t deal with your body. If you want a thin body, it has to be for really strong reasons that are your own. And if you do want a thin body, you have the ability to figure out how to achieve that.

You have achieved an AA; which is a plus. You went to school for a reason. Now you get to decide how to maximize this additional education. Continue for more coursework or not? Try at lease one class to get yourself in gear to being a student? Try to work towards getting a clerical job in an accounting role?

My point is that you are not powerless. And the more you make the decision that you and only you are in control of your destiny, the more functional and powerful you will become. Its hard work. Life ain’t for sissies.

[Spottednikes]

Many cities have mental health/therapist/counselors that work on a sliding fee scale that is practically free if you are low income. Look into that. They even have online apps you can facetime or chat with ones. It will help. You need to learn to love yourself and realize that you are responsible for your happiness, not other people. But your past trauma will make that impossible without some outside therapy.