What do you think? (Army, reserves, reserve, veterans)
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Hey all -- something very interesting happened to me Friday, and I want to share it with the good people of this forum, and see what you all think. While the situation I'm about to explain does have political implications, I'm not trying to spark a political debate here. I would just to like to hear how other members of the armed forces community feel about this.
I'm an E-7 in the active duty Army. I have an E-5 under me who is a real go getter. She's truly a model soldier .. keeps her head down, gets her work done, assists others in whatever capacity she's needed to meet the mission and rarely complains. She's by far my best soldier, and I have a pretty good team. For a long time now, she has told me she is not going to reenlist... not for anything. It's a shame. She's the kind of soldier no one likes to see get out.
Anyways, on Friday, we were having a very good heart-to-heart talk, and she finally explained to me why she's getting out. She's gay. (Something I sort of suspected, but I figured .. so what? It's her business .. I won't ask, she won't tell, and so be it.) However, here was the shocker. She also told me she has a long term partner and two kids. Now, this soldier can't draw BAH. She has to live in the barracks (something she hates), but that's the rules for our post for E-5s and below.
Her partner works in Ohio, and that's where she lives with their kids. My soldier goes to Ohio every chance she gets (we're in the Atlanta metro area), but she spends most of her time at our duty station. So for the past four years, she has been living apart from her family. She told me she loves the Army and is proud to serve her country, but she can't stay in because she can't be with her family. I was just totally floored by this. Most of us know what it's like to be away from our families. Military life is so rewarding in so many ways, but being away from my wife and our little girl kills me. I have done it for a year at a time, but four years? That's above and beyond the call of duty as far as I'm concerned.
Another factor, her partner has health issues that amount to about $500 a month for medical bills. This comes out of their pocket, because of course, the partner (and the kids they share) aren't eligible to be enrolled in Tricare. Wow. I know you guys don't know her, but this just really brought this issue home to me in a very real way.
So would you serve your country if you had to be away from your family indefinitely or pay for housing out of pocket, and you couldn't enroll them in Tricare? What if you couldn't go home on emergency leave if one of them had a medical issue? (This happened to her about a year ago .. she told me her "mom" had breast cancer, and she really wanted to take emergency leave to be with her. I tried to get this for her, but it just wasn't feasible. She had to wait for about a week before we let her go. Turns out, it was her partner who had it. If my command didn't let me go home to attend to my wife immediately after she was diagnosed with a life threatening disease, there'd be problems. I'd probably get my Congressman involved .. I hate to cause waves, but I love my wife dearly ... I feel so s***** that my soldier wasn't able to be with her partner in her time of need. My soldier didn't complain. She took it like she always does, in stride and with a good spirit. I'm surprised she doesn't hold a grudge against me for this.)
So what do you all think? I have never really cared about this issue much to be honest. I'm a pretty liberal guy, and I adhere to a live and let live philosophy, but I didn't see what the big deal was about gay marriage until this. Not anymore. I don't really understand my soldier's life, but I know she's a great person and a great patriot, and she deserves all of the entitlements that any other veteran deserves. I know if every one could see her, and see what she does for her country, a lot of people who don't like the idea of gays in the military or gay marriage would change their minds.
She told me it kills her to live in a closet. (Apparently, all of her family and friends apart from the Army know.) She said she's not ashamed of who she is, but the Army is ashamed of her. It just broke my heart to hear her say that ... seriously. I'm proud of her, and I'm proud of all she's done, and I hope that some day she feels like the Army and the county are proud of her too. It's a shame we can't keep her, but now I understand. If the Army didn't take care of my family, there's no way I could stay in either.
Sorry the length of this post ... thank you for listening.
Here's my spin: It's not a "Gay" issue any more than a "special needs" family issue. To me, it's about a person who has decided to leave the military for personal reasons. If she's as sharp as you've explained she is, she'll have zero issues succeeding in the civilian world. Wish her well, and best of luck to her.
For your soldier and others like her there is more to the her issue than "Don't ask don't tell" and allowing gays to openly serve.
How will they authorize spouse type benefits to gay partners? Do they need to just be partners, civil unions or married? If they need to be married that's a issue considering most states won't marry them.
If people just need to be partners then shouldn't we allow straight people who live together to have the same benefits?
It's like dominos falling; where does it end?
Allowing gays to serve openly is one thing but extending benefits to their partners shouldn't be allowed until the issue of gay marriage is resolved by the states and the federal government.
Great issues like that take on an entirely different tone when you leave the theoretical and enter into a personal relationship with someone affected by it, don't they?
It's just like racism in that it only exists in the abstract and can rarely survive personal contact.
I hope they end DADT soon enough for your soldier to stay in. Our country NEEDS soldiers like the one you've described.
Even if the Army allowed gays, Georgia nor Ohio allow gay marriage, so her "Wife" wouldn't get Tricare benefits anyway, and she would still be legally single, have to live in the barracks, not have command sponsored dependent moves, and not get dependent BAH. Not sure how allowing gays would change anything in her situation financially or geographically.
If they are HER kids, biologically or legally, she should be able to get BAH if she had custody, and just let the "wife" move in as a "room-mate".... a lack of integrity- but that's what the Military often gets because of the DADT policy.
Maybe you could talk her into the Reserves. She could find a job on the outside and maintain her Military status for retirement reasons and get the pay from both. Don't let her wash 4 years of Honorable service down the drain. Things take a long time to change when it comes to the Military changeing thier views on the Gay subject.
Here's my spin: It's not a "Gay" issue any more than a "special needs" family issue. To me, it's about a person who has decided to leave the military for personal reasons. If she's as sharp as you've explained she is, she'll have zero issues succeeding in the civilian world. Wish her well, and best of luck to her.
I agree. I think she is going to do just fine as a civilian. The person who is in charge of hiring GS employees for our organization is already asking me about her. He wants to know when she's getting out. The Army needs her more than she needs it.
Still, I think it's a shame we couldn't accomodate her and her family. Those of you know are/were NCOs know the special bond that develops between a sergeant and his troops. Taking care of my soldiers is my business, and it's something that I do with pleasure and pride. I wish I could do better for her. We (the Army the nation) owe her better than she's getting right now.
For your soldier and others like her there is more to the her issue than "Don't ask don't tell" and allowing gays to openly serve.
How will they authorize spouse type benefits to gay partners? Do they need to just be partners, civil unions or married? If they need to be married that's a issue considering most states won't marry them.
If people just need to be partners then shouldn't we allow straight people who live together to have the same benefits?
It's like dominos falling; where does it end?
Allowing gays to serve openly is one thing but extending benefits to their partners shouldn't be allowed until the issue of gay marriage is resolved by the states and the federal government.
I've been thinking about this Balad. I see where you're going with this, and I share your concerns. If we just allow someone to designate someone else their partner willy nilly, we open up the possibility for a lot of fraud, waste and abuse. Here's my thought. We should only confer benefits by marriage. However, I guess there are handful of states where gay people can marry. I'm almost positive my soldier would be willing to take a trip to Massachusetts to marry her partner. That state gives full recognition to gay marriage. Now, before the Defense of Marriage Act, every state had to legally recognize the marriages of every other state. With DOMA, states are now free to not recongnize same-sex marriages of other states. I think that at least where service members and veterans are concerned, DOMA shouldn't apply. Or rather, the Armed Forces should recongize same-sex marriages that occured in states like Massachusetts. Why? Because I think people who are willing to fight and die for this country deserve that respect.
Great issues like that take on an entirely different tone when you leave the theoretical and enter into a personal relationship with someone affected by it, don't they?
Yes, they really do. If I were asked last week if the Army should recognize same-sex marriages, I'm not sure how I would have replied. Now, it's impossible for me to say no. My soldier's family deserves the same care and concern that every Army family deserves.
Here's my thought. We should only confer benefits by marriage.
No, how about legal dependents? For example children and even parents.
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