MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Murphy: health insurance, calculation)

[Versatile]

.Fast thinking!

A man in the Price Chopper Store in Kansas City tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.


Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some crazy guy wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
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[Versatile]

Two Irish Women
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian ?'
Because the O'Brien twins are drunk again.
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[Versatile]

Domestic ''Pet'' Dining

When it comes to progression and cultural sophistication, few countries set the bar higher than China. This week, the Chinese government cemented its legacy of forward thinking by announcing that it is “considering” legislation that would make eating dogs and cats illegal. So if you dig your calico in a savory Kung Pao sauce, or prefer a little chow mein with your Great Dane, it might be time to hustle your ass over to China for one last hurrah.

Some Chinese are up in arms, calling the possible ban "cultural imperialism." Other citizens feel it is an outdated practice. Until a decision is made, all animal shelters will supposedly remain BYOB.

Numbers


19 Grams of protein in a 100 g serving of dog meat. There are 41.6 grams of protein in 100 g of low sodium Parmesan cheese.

Ewww … low sodium.


I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.

[Versatile]

Celibacy Defined..


What is Celibacy?


Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.



While attending a 'Marriage Weekend', Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..."


He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'



Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

[Versatile]

PRAY FOR LEROY



"Anyone who needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.



Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."



Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."



The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy.



After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"



Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"




LEMME HEAR AN AMEN!

[Versatile]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

The damn Tractor wouldn't start today, I can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.
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[Versatile]

The Differences Between Men And Women

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Versatile]

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

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I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty, and so is your head.



Of loving beauty you float with grace.

If only you could hide your face.



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

This describes everything you are not.



I want to feel your sweet embrace,

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you really screwed up my life.



I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.



My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?



My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.



What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Versatile]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Try These .. some are funny .. and some aren't

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down..

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3 Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that...

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana

6.Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7.. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11 When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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