MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (California: fingerprints, cabinet)

[Versatile]

Strange Quotes by W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I like children - fried.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

[Versatile]

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Webster's NEW AGE Dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines

[Versatile]

The Parrot
Recently widowed, an elderly lady was depressed by the emptiness in her house and decided to get a pet for companionship. She went downtown to the pet store, and after looking at all the dogs and cats, she saw a parrot on a stand by the counter.

"A parrot would be nice", she thought to herself, "I could teach him to talk and another voice in the house would be good to hear." She asked the pet-shop owner about the bird, and he advised her that the parrot had come from another owner and could talk already. Pleased at this, the lady bought the parrot, along with a cage and some crackers.

Once she got the bird home and situated in his new cage, she took out a cracker. "Polly want a cracker?" she asked. To her astonishment the parrot began spewing a string of obscenities that would have made a sailor blush, winding up with a suggestion as to what she could do with the cracker.

The lady was dismayed, but decided that the bird was just not used to his new surroundings. Covering the cage, she left the bird alone until the following day. Once again, she offered him a cracker. "Polly want a cracker?" she asked. And again the parrot launched into a round of swearing that left her stunned.

She called the pet-store and told the owner about the obscenities, and told him that she was returning the bird. The owner refused. "I told you he'd had another owner, and that he could talk." he said. "The sale is final."

"But what can I do?" she asked. "I can't have that language in my house! What would my friends think?" The owner thought for a minute. "Well, we had a case like this a few years ago." he said. "Here's what you do. The next time the parrot swears at you, take him out of the cage, hold him under the kitchen faucet, then put him in the freezer compartment of your refrigerator for a few minutes. That should cure him."

Reluctantly, the lady agreed to keep the bird and try the procedure. The next day she offered the bird another cracker. "Polly want a cracker?" she asked. The parrot launched into a string of profanity, and as he was cursing loudly, the lady grabbed him from the cage, held him under the kitchen faucet, then tossed him into the freezer compartment.

Several minutes later she opened the door and removed the shivering parrot. "There!" she scolded him, "That will teach you to swear at me!"

The parrot looked up at her. "W-w-what d-did th-that ******* chicken do??"

[Versatile]

Children's Strange Thoughts on the Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

Start each day with a smile.... then pass it on!!!!!

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt, then call me over!

[Versatile]

Quote

Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play.
Willie Nelson


It is unclear if this was said after his first, second, third, or fourth marriage.

[Versatile]

An Open Letter To Jesse James


You Stupid idiot! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.
But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ******* cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?
I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are: Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of me. Let's do lunch sometime and compare notes.


Tiger Woods

[Versatile]

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
__________________

[Versatile]

Olde 'Burma Shave' Roadway Signs!

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

[Versatile]

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Actual Announcements From Church


1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.

[Versatile]

You Watch WAY TOO MUCH Wrestling When.......


- On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be"

- Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws

- You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesitate to look for the crowd's response

- You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW"

- You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

- You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

- You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count

- Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

- Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones

- When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

- You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

- Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.