A comprehensive guide to navigating through one of the most bizarre men's rooms on the face of the earth.
Rule #1:
If you can make the train ride by holding your trigger happy bladder, by all means do.
Rule #2:
Head for the pee room, only when Rule #1 is inapplicable.
Rule #3:
If you love shoes, do not look at the floor. While peeing, don't bow your head down. Override the rule, "Even great men bow their heads when they're taking the leak". Always look up.
Rule #4:
If you're in winter wear, maintain coat's length from the urinal. Pascal's law advocates that the madder the bladder, the gladder the trajectory of the jet. This might contribute to the floor situation, but remember Rule #3
Rule #5:
If the urinals are occupied, follow the FIFO queuing theory. Never take to the dump rooms. All that's waiting for you in there is hostile flotsam and jetsam.
Rule #6:
Avoid taking the leak beside the homeless guy. A unique odour combined by the homeless guy, his clothes, your clothes, your cologne, his pee, your pee, everyone's pee and everyone's sweat is generated. Nostril inferno.
Rule #7:
If the cornermost urinal is open, make a peeline for it like a bull in a china shop. Taking the leak between the wall and another urinal has the lowest probability of not peeing beside a homeless guy and possibly, half the scent of nitrogen.
Rule #8:
If you're carrying a work or laptop briefcase, DO NOT place it on the floor. Always remember rule #3 and hang the briefcase on your shoulder, though the diagonal, axial tension it exerts across your body can have an adverse effect on your jet stream capabilities.
Rule #9:
DO NOT flush with an unprotected hand. Always wrap your fingers in napkin before you hit the handle. Which means you need to carry your own hand napkin, the city of New York is bankrupt enough not to stock the toilettes with loo paper
And your briefcase stays on your shoulder
Rule #10:
DO NOT use the dryer, coz this is where homeless guys dry their hair, by sitting under the dryer, and their aroma is all over the place.
Rule #11:
Pee elsewhere during the weekends. Tourists stink worse and bathe less than day commuters.
Rule #12:
If you wanna take a dump, go to barnes and nobles, NY library or Macy's. Always pretend like taking a walk in the aisles picking some random book on the shelf, instead of making a peeline to the dump room. Those security guards are adept at detecting dumper behaviour.
Happy pissing, fellas.
I certainly imagine the ladies room fares much better. But I'm not gonna bet for it
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