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He's been working way too much to socialize, so anything he's done has been with me. And it's totally fine when he's around. We would really love to find an integrated as opposed to a gentrified area. and yes, I supposed the weather may have something to do with people? I grew up in GA in a small town where everyone said hi to each other and smiled! I got a shock when we moved to CT, and it seems worse here!
Once I saw this, it seemed like a cultural thing. On the Massachusetts board, this might be the number one topic people raise: "I'm from a small town in the South/Midwest" or "I'm from California" and the "people seem so cold and unfriendly here." Particularly in New England, where everyone is just quieter around strangers, but certainly in Brooklyn, we do not go around saying hi and smiling at total strangers. In NYC, there are too many people to do much but go about your business. So you may be encountering moms who know each other from around the neighborhood (same daycare, same yoga, same food co-op, same bakery, whatever they do in Park Slope) and they're friendly to the people they actually know but not outgoing toward you since they don't know you at all.
On the flip side, people in the northeast are generally very loyal friends once you crack the shell. I hated having my privacy invaded (in my view) in the South, but even more I hated constantly feeling like people were being friendly with me when they did not mean it. I've found people in the rest of the country to be pretty flighty about friendship. They will be immediately friendly, which I am wired to think actually means something, and then you find out that they're like that with everyone and it doesn't mean anything. I'd rather do a little work up front and have a real friend.
One other thing: do you think everything's OK when you husband is around because you are with someone who loves you and not feeling so alone, so your mind is much less focused on interaction with everyone else around?
Well, fact is, there ARE folks in this world who are snooty and not very nice. Hell, there are snooty folks in Queens too...but I'd be hard-pressed to identify a whole "neighborhood" of snots, and even some of the snooty people I know are somewhat annoying but still rather nice.
I think your instincts are most important...you don't like it, the way people act towards you, it's not a good fit for you. I understand.
I can understand how, being young with a young son, you want that sense of community with neighbors and for you and your family.
I'm the type of person who might try a nice, solid reach out to somebody, or a few people,
to confirm what I think I already know.
I'm not saying kiss anybody's butt or beg anybody to be your friend, but juuust in case folks are being apprehensive because they don't know if you really want to be bothered or there might be a few folks who are really nice but just being shy or whatever...
Do something like plan a little get together, not with your husband, because you said they fake the funk when he's around...
rather plan something during the day (tea, coffee, a play date) for just a few women and children that you've seen around that you think you'd like to get to know.
Just walk up to them and hand an invitation, tell them you're new to the neighborhood and want to get to know some of the women/mothers in the area, or put a few in mailboxes with a note. Leave your telephone number, have them RSVP.
See what happens. What do you have to lose?
And if doesn't work out...if you put yourself out like that and nobody responds positively,
These areas are diverse and have stay at home Moms who are friendly, talkative, nosey and wanna get in your business...*s*
but also nice and like to share ideas on everything and help each other out.
I know because these are areas I lived with my son while he was growing up and throughout his schooling.
Last edited by DonnaReed; 03-28-2009 at 10:37 AM..
I don't think it's in your head at all. I went to Park Slope just to hang out one day during the weekend last year and I was surprised at the snootiness from people in the nabe---and they were from all walks of life. It is a beautiful neighborhood, with some gorgeous homes and it has a great rep, but if it's not for you, I would look elsewhere.
It's awful to feel isolated like that. PS is known to have large mother and children groups during the day time. I would try at least one last time to join one of these groups and make it known that you are your child's mother and not the nanny. (As some might think you are. I have heard of this happening to women of color in IR rlps here in the city. As much as people don't want to admit to it.)
If that doesn't work, then I would consider looking into other neighborhoods. If you like Brooklyn, consider Carroll Gardens, Fort Greene, Cobble Hill etc. These neighborhoods are pretty similar to Park Slope.
I lived in suburb like that once, where the mothers were judgemental and holier than thou. I decided after a few years that I couldn't raise my kids in a a place where I didn't agree with the morals of my neighbors and am much happier with my new choice. Been here for three years and every day am so glad I moved.
Thanks for the responses. we have a year and a half lease () so we have a while to look into other neighborhoods. I want to look at some places in Queens, and also Fort Greene Clinton hill (do these Brooklyn neighborhoods have good schools?) We are only apprehensive about Queens because it seems it would be a longer subway commute to DH's job (UWS) than Brooklyn. Am I wrong?
I lived in suburb like that once, where the mothers were judgemental and holier than thou. I decided after a few years that I couldn't raise my kids in a a place where I didn't agree with the morals of my neighbors and am much happier with my new choice. Been here for three years and every day am so glad I moved.
Thanks for the responses. we have a year and a half lease () so we have a while to look into other neighborhoods. I want to look at some places in Queens, and also Fort Greene Clinton hill (do these Brooklyn neighborhoods have good schools?) We are only apprehensive about Queens because it seems it would be a longer subway commute to DH's job (UWS) than Brooklyn. Am I wrong?
Well, hell there are trains and express buses, but upper west side isn't very convenient to places I mentioned in Queens.
Whether within walking distance of the trains or a brief bus ride away, UWS would require a couple of trains
(i.e., F train to D train).
For me, longer commutes have always been worth it - buses, trains or driving.
But @ eight,
I just noticed you said you don't want to live in the suburbs anyway
(unless you're talking about Long Island when you say suburbs).
If the commute is priority, probably not Queens.
There are areas of Queens closer to Manhattan with different train lines, but I can't think of any that are particularly convenient to the UWS or that I, personally, would recommend...
Last edited by DonnaReed; 03-28-2009 at 03:56 PM..
I suppose your kids look mixed, so the arguement about them thinking your a nanny is muted. I have seen your situation in some way shape or form in many circumstances. Remember, alot of the people in PS are well off, vaguely liberal, and may already have their one close "ethnic friend". Don't give up though, New York is way better than some other cities in this regard. You need to be a bit more outgoing to live in a hip urban family neighborhood as apposed to the suburbs. In other words, your going to have to "fit in".
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) so we have a while to look into other neighborhoods. I want to look at some places in Queens, and also Fort Greene Clinton hill (do these Brooklyn neighborhoods have good schools?) We are only apprehensive about Queens because it seems it would be a longer subway commute to DH's job (UWS) than Brooklyn. Am I wrong?
