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The only one that should deal with the MIL is your husband. As his wife and I assume you love him, you should just keep your mouth shut and keep your feelings completely to yourself and treat your MIL with respect.
If she gets in your way, you should ask your husband to deal with her. If your husband doesn't want to deal with her or can't deal with her without her knowing you are behind of this, you should either file for divorce or suck it up.
All other behaviors are totally unacceptable.
This is the advice to you. To your husband, I have a totally different set of advice. BTW "Everyone loves Raymond" is a great show and every couple intended to get married should watch it.
I disagree. Strongly. MIL is *way out of line*, and out of control!
There is no justification whatsoever, for her atrocious, insane and neurotic behavior!
ETA: re-read the original post, and the offenses that really jumped out at me are how the MIL is giving OP's husband, "to do" lists, manipulating the family vacations, and butting in where her opinioin is clearly unwanted. Preventing husband and wife from sharing intimacy. These are clearly *inappropraite*. The others aren't so bad, for the record.
My mother in law, mettle's, so much, Im not trying to disrespect her, but she goes out of her way to interfere.
Its almost sick He is 40 years old yet she still treats him like hes, 10. she tries, to take away my wifely duties, which i enjoy doing. I say tries, because, I make sure, she knows her place! To give you ideas here are some things that have or so take place.
1) she rubs her hand through his hair and said" I just love your hair like this" Made me sick to my stomach.
2)gives, him actual honey do lists, that she can clearly do herself!
3)Makes plans as to family such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, and expects, us to comply to all her request!
4)Gives her opinion when not asked for, that is none of her business
these are just a few of a million things that takes place on a Regular basis. Am I the only one out here that seriously has a controlling, and meddling, Mother in law? seriously some times, I truly think she thinks of him as a husband! no joke one time she was introducing, him to a friend, and caught her self saying husb.... then turned and said son when heard that i literally grew sick to my stomach. Can anyone out here relate at all??
My boyfriend is very close to his mom...she gives him things to do..I think its good he helps her..
When she sees him she hugs him and calls him my son..he is her son.
She likes to plan family things like holidays his birthday, the grand daughters birthdays, graduations, stuff like that at her house..she enjoys be involved...it doesnt matter where it is..as long as family is together..
I love my ex mother inlaw..To this day I still refer to her as my mother inlaw..
This first list sounded reasonable, irritating, sure. But nothing that couldn't be lived with, and is, but millions of women. I could live with that without a rise in my blood pressure.
Why you would lead with those items as examples, and then follow-up with something really bad, is a little backwards. /shrug
If she just randomly threw water on you out of pure *hate* as you put it, I'm surprised your husband didn't throw her out of the house... and you, threw pickle juice on her? Really? I suspect there is much more to this story.
Ugh! I may not be married, but I can see what my mom sometimes goes through with my grandma (on dads side) she's such a Y*e*nta (nag) and you feel like youre talking to a reporter when hanging out with her! Ugh! I feel that way too! Shell sometimes ask if I have a bf (when I dont and I'm not interested in anyone at the moment )!!!
My mother in law, mettle's, so much, Im not trying to disrespect her, but she goes out of her way to interfere.
Its almost sick He is 40 years old yet she still treats him like hes, 10. she tries, to take away my wifely duties, which i enjoy doing. I say tries, because, I make sure, she knows her place! To give you ideas here are some things that have or so take place.
1) she rubs her hand through his hair and said" I just love your hair like this" Made me sick to my stomach.
2)gives, him actual honey do lists, that she can clearly do herself!
3)Makes plans as to family such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, and expects, us to comply to all her request!
4)Gives her opinion when not asked for, that is none of her business
these are just a few of a million things that takes place on a Regular basis. Am I the only one out here that seriously has a controlling, and meddling, Mother in law? seriously some times, I truly think she thinks of him as a husband! no joke one time she was introducing, him to a friend, and caught her self saying husb.... then turned and said son when heard that i literally grew sick to my stomach. Can anyone out here relate at all??
No you are not the only one out there who has a mother in law like this...and I feel badly for you both, but there comes a time when a mother has to realize, that her job is over and that her son is no longer hers, actually he never was hers....but unfortunately, some mothers make they're son's they're only purpose in life...and cannot let go...other mother's refuse to allow they're sons to move on, understanding that now that her son has taken a wife, she is no longer the head of the family....and now her son has his own family and she is now a guest in his life and no longer her baby...or a child, but a full grown man who now has his own life and does not have time to be at her beckoned call. I had a mother in law just like you, and it wasn't until I became a mother in law myself, did I understand that when we woman have sons, they move on. I became that mother in law that gave her DIL a Hard time, and I always said, "I will Never be that kind of Mother in law" however, I did, without realizing it, I did, and it wasn't until we, she and I sat down and talked it out, that I realized, what a bad mother in law I was. Some mother in laws never get it, and cause they're own heartache...b/c they are unable to realize, that they're son's have moved on...and they need to allow them to. Yes, there are some very bad mother in laws out there, as well as some very spoiled daughter in laws...what it all comes down to is this...Boundaries and communication...and it has to come from both of you from the very get go...yes, when you set boundaries, she will be hurt, and she will blame you. I remember a young friend of mine telling me, when they got married she told him right off the bat..."YOU be very careful, b/c anything you do and say, will reflect on me", however, she is a very wise and mature DIL, and she loves her mother in law dearly....first must come respect....and if this MIL of yours cannot respect boundaries, you and your husband are going to have to set them...and if it causes friction, well, rather her be upset for a while, then you two have problems b/c of her.
When I found out my DIL and son went to couseling b/c of me, I was literally torn apart...why? Because my inability to understand all the above caused them pain and heartache.
You say, she interfers...she is doing that b/c she's used to giving advice and being the matron of the family, "the Mother" so to speak...and she doesn't realize she's doing more harm then good. So, it's up to you and your husband to let her know that her advice is not wanted unless you ask for it...the worst thing you can do is allow it to continue, b/c she is going to feel the tenstion, and you are personally going to suffer more and end up hating to have her around...
You don't HAVE to go to every family gathering, take a Christmas off and start to create your own traditions...your MIL cannot base her happiness on you and your family. She has to understand, you can no longer live up to her expectations.
My son's step mother's mother recently passed away...he's training on a new job...however, he felt like he HAD to come home b/c if he didn't, his stepmother and her daughter would never forgive him. Isn't that awful? I mean, I wouldn't expect him to come home if my mother passed away, and he knows that....and that's ok...if he can, fine, if he can't fine to...he has his own life...and I don't expect him to feel like he must live up to everyone else's idea of what he should or shouldn't do. But that's another story, his stepmother feels like he is hers...period, she's a very evil controllling person...oh, she's settled down a lot, b/c she found out, that by pulling her stunts, her husband almost left her...so, she's playing a role right now...but in the end....it all comes out in the wash....yanno....
anyway, your husband and you need to sit down and discuss right now the huge things you don't like your MIL doing. And then act on it....pick one or two things and start training her, don't hit her with everything at once, just kind of whittle away at the big stuff...and don't make snyd comments, tell her straight up front, Yanno, Mom, your hurting me, and our relationship...and your husband also has to stand up to her and tell her to stop doing things when she does them...
Now, you also have to know, there are big things, then there are little things, and some things you have to overlook....right now, your probably at the point that everything she does, really irritates you and your starting to dislike her....don't let it go...if you do, your refusing to take ownership in this. Be mature and work it out...and you won't be able to resolve this unless you honestly want to do it the right way, and that is, listen...communication is listening....and don't react or take everything as a personal attack against you. She is not diliberately doing this for any other reason then, it's all she's known, it's all she's ever done, and she's had her son all to herself for so long, that she doesn't realize change needs to happen.
If you don't nip this in the bud, it's going to destroy a relationship that could be productive and healthy, between you and your husband and her as well...there is something we can all learn from each other...and let me tell you, I fought this for 13 years with my DIL, and thought she not only hated me, but was trying to drive a wedge between my son and myself...I thought she was evil, narcissistic, unkind, cruel, selfish and unthinking. Well, she was the opposite, and by fighting change for 13 years, I lost knowing the best parts of her...she is human, and a wonderful person, and my son loves her dearly, she is the love of his life, and not evil in the least...she wanted me to love her, as much as I wanted her to love me...but it started out on the wrong foot and built up and built up until the tension between us when we were around each other was the most God awful thing. And anything, Anything that happened, we both took as an insult to our integrity...and it built up and built up and 13 years of hell evolved into a war...it was awful, painful, degrading, embarrassing, tragic, and extremely immature on both of our parts...woman can be stubborn, controlling without ever realizing, that it takes two to tangle....even if it means your not speaking up as a team...we should have sat down together and talked this out...my poor dil thought my son was taking sides with me, when he would try to defend my actions, and when he tried to defend my DIL's actions, I felt he was calling me a lier and taking her side, not to mention the huge cavern in the pit of my stomach, b/c he never talked to me like that before...I thought he changed and she changed him, that she made him dislike me, and he stayed away, not b/c of her, but because I refused to understand and he just didn't want to deal with it anymore. People do not go to visit those who are going to cause them pain and not listen. No one wants to be around someone who is always defensive and will not take ownership, resolve things and move on.
Also, the son has to realize, he has a wife now, and she should be his first perogative....and you need to make her understand, you don't dislike her at all, but it's time she understand, that when you want her advice you'll ask for it, and always always remember, don't ever take huge amounts of money from her, b/c if you do, it will make you feel like you owe her something and her feel like she's entitled.
So, I hope in some small way, I've helped and really hope and pray you all resolve this before it escalates into something really stupid, b/c there are no winners here, only huge losses and a whole lot of pain....on both of your parts...
The only one that should deal with the MIL is your husband. As his wife and I assume you love him, you should just keep your mouth shut and keep your feelings completely to yourself and treat your MIL with respect.
If she gets in your way, you should ask your husband to deal with her. If your husband doesn't want to deal with her or can't deal with her without her knowing you are behind of this, you should either file for divorce or suck it up.
All other behaviors are totally unacceptable.
This is the advice to you. To your husband, I have a totally different set of advice. BTW "Everyone loves Raymond" is a great show and every couple intended to get married should watch it.
Your right in many way, honestly, however, some mother in laws will interprit this as if "oh, he's changed, he's not the same person that I knew, she's turned him against me, and I'm loosing him, and I'll loose my grand children....somehow and I don't know how, she has got to understand, that she needs other things in her life to make her happy and she must leave her son go...but if it's just the son who speaks to her, he's not going to get his point across and you know how men are, especially with they're mothers, they somehow fear hurting them...it's easier for the husband to shut down and let the two women battle it out....my son stood his ground with me....meaning, he defended his wife and her actions all the way...and I'm glad he did...she comes first, no matter how hard it hurt me, and I thought he was blaming me at the time, and he wasn't, but honestly, I thought and believed, she had turned him against me....and he was doing this out of loyalty to her, and how dare he talk to me, his mother like that, how dare he tell me I was wrong....how dare she hate me after all I did for her, I mean, I loved her from the very beginning, why I gave her money for the wedding, I went with her dress hunting, I loved her since the first day I met her...but what I didn't do, was understand, she didn't know me from adam, and she had her own ideas of how she wanted things...I treated her like a child, like she was my own, but she was a grown woman, who had her own thoughts and feelings of how to set up housekeeping...and I was unable to identify with my own problems as a young wife with the mother in law from hell...and now, I tell you true, that mother in law from hell, well, I understand, she was only trying to help, and do for us, it was all she knew how to be....I viewed her actions as self imposted, but she was used to being a leader, having things done the way she wanted and she dismissed the fact, that she needed to allow me to learn my own way and bud out...
I don't know, what the answer is, however, I do know, there are a whole lot of disgrunted DIL's and MIL's out there who hate each other b/c they were unable to understand and communicate...mother's have to back off of they're son's lives. Allowance is another key word. I don't believe anyone sets out to hurt another, it just happens, through misunderstanding, expectations, and the inability to allow others to live they're lives....just b/c my mil did things one way didn't make me wrong and her right, or visa versa.
When a husband refuses to deal with his meddling mama (for whatever reason), his wife will lose respect for him; and that is worst than 'meddling mommie' on the marriage.
She can share her feelings with her husband; request or insist he do something about it; deal with it herself; or just ignore mommie-dearest.
We can't change other people; we can only change ourselves.
When a husband refuses to deal with his meddling mama (for whatever reason), his wife will lose respect for him; and that is worst than 'meddling mommie' on the marriage.
She can share her feelings with her husband; request or insist he do something about it; deal with it herself; or just ignore mommie-dearest.
We can't change other people; we can only change ourselves.
Why are some posters opposed to the OP taking direct and decisive action herself, to stop the meddling MIL's behavior, and set some firm boundaries? I don't get that logic?
Just b/c she's the MIL, doesn't excuse her from behaving inappropriately, right?
Wouldn`t it be nice, if everybody just got along!!
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Am I the only one out here that seriously has a controlling, and meddling, Mother in law? seriously some times, I truly think she thinks of him as a husband! no joke one time she was introducing, him to a friend, and caught her self saying husb.... then turned and said son when heard that i literally grew sick to my stomach. Can anyone out here relate at all??
)!!!
