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I can recite what you are going through chapter and verse. It's not my generation though but the one ahead of me that is estranged and angry at each other over a **** pot of inheritance. Now I've lost that part of my extended family, my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. It's very sad and very stupid.
With regards to the inheritance, I always think you should live life assuming you will never inherit a thing from anyone. If money happens to come your way, view it as an unexpected gift. Families are ripped apart by squabbling over who should have gotten what... should the money have been divided equally, should ones who spent more time there at the end be given more... if it was me, I would want my mother to use all of that money on herself any way that she pleases. She was married to your father and it's her money, not yours and not your brothers'.
Very wise advice from h886. I told my mother and MIL to spend their money. Take a trip and see the world, buy a fancy car, a summer home, get new drapes for the house. Whatever floats their boat. It's their money, not their children's.
Agreed with the counseling. You need to talk to someone about this. I suspect as much or more than the money, it is the lifetime of inequity that you have experienced that is hurtful and that will take more than a few posts and even the wisest of CD counsel to sort through. You have my empathy.
Walk away for a while. The most important thing is to do what is right for you at this juncture. The hard part is determining what is right for you.
One point I wonder about: It must have been your father who named your brothers as coexecutors. Is there a story behind that? Oh, and BTW, it's not that unusual for executors to have the right to use some of the money for their expenses. However, they should be accountable to someone about that money.
Yep, I would walk away and take a rest from it but keep seeing a therapist to make sure you see things clearly. It's hard to separate issues when they are emotional and with family it is ALWAYS emotional.
I can recite what you are going through chapter and verse. It's not my generation though but the one ahead of me that is estranged and angry at each other over a **** pot of inheritance. Now I've lost that part of my extended family, my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. It's very sad and very stupid.
With regards to the inheritance, I always think you should live life assuming you will never inherit a thing from anyone. If money happens to come your way, view it as an unexpected gift. Families are ripped apart by squabbling over who should have gotten what... should the money have been divided equally, should ones who spent more time there at the end be given more... if it was me, I would want my mother to use all of that money on herself any way that she pleases. She was married to your father and it's her money, not yours and not your brothers'.
Very wise advice from h886. I told my mother and MIL to spend their money. Take a trip and see the world, buy a fancy car, a summer home, get new drapes for the house. Whatever floats their boat. It's their money, not their children's.
Agreed with the counseling. You need to talk to someone about this. I suspect as much or more than the money, it is the lifetime of inequity that you have experienced that is hurtful and that will take more than a few posts and even the wisest of CD counsel to sort through. You have my empathy.
Thanks, yeah, I did agree my mom needs to keep the money for herself. One never knows - she just might need it. Fair enough. Like I said, I've conditioned myself to not expect to ever see another dime again. There was a family trust that was divided equally (of course, under my mother's supervision), but once she passes on all bets are off, which is why I've counted on never seeing another dime.
There are many major issues here: the biggest one being not knowing if my dad was of sound mind or not and, if he was, why he amended that trust as he did. As I said, you spend an entire lifetime believing someone is who you think they are, and then after their death you are left to question it. But by then, it's too late for any answers. (i.e. at the funeral it struck me that the person everyone was eulogizing was someone I did not recognize). Second issue is really the inequity of it all. Third issue - well, if my future were not so uncertain and I had a decent job, I'd for sure say screw it. Fourth issue - just how much have my brothers spent? The trust went so far as to provide them to use money for any education, health care, or any other expenditures they needed, provided my mom came first. Nothing about me or my sister. My one brother is a millionaire several times over!
I do thank you all for your input. I have a feeling this is a thing that will be going on for years to come.
Walk away for a while. The most important thing is to do what is right for you at this juncture. The hard part is determining what is right for you.
One point I wonder about: It must have been your father who named your brothers as coexecutors. Is there a story behind that? Oh, and BTW, it's not that unusual for executors to have the right to use some of the money for their expenses. However, they should be accountable to someone about that money.
Yep, I would walk away and take a rest from it but keep seeing a therapist to make sure you see things clearly. It's hard to separate issues when they are emotional and with family it is ALWAYS emotional.
Believe me, I know.
The story behind it is they are boys and both have MBAs and are good with finances (btw, I have an MBA but I am a girl and my MBA was not in finance). And I do know it's not unusual to provide that executors use money for their expenses, but any education, health care or etc? And they are only accountable to themselves. I am completely in the dark and just go on their word.
Yup, I will walk away and I have discussed this with a therapist on more than one occasion. Like I said, I've been excluded from other important docs and it all makes sense now. These other docs were drafted in 2004 and the trust was amended in 2001. Who knew except for my two brothers, for sure.
Oh, and just one other salient point, my dad was in hospice and quit eating on a Sunday. If any of you know about hospice, when this happens, death is not far off. Nonetheless, I was not told about this until Wed. In fact, it was my neice who told me about this only because I called my mom's house and she happened to answer the phone when my mom was not there. She thought I deserved to know. Bless her heart. He was given last rites the following day. Not only have I been shut out of so many things, but there was no way I could have gotten it together enough with my pets to be on a plane for last rites (which just happened to fall on his birthday) in 24 hours even if I had wanted to. They effectively removed that option from me. He died two days later.
Oh, and sorry this got so off track, but there is ALWAYS more to the story in these situations.
Last edited by mistygrl092; 01-16-2011 at 05:00 PM..
Reason: add thought
I don't know your mom, your brothers or how she said what she did, but could she just have been telling you that you don't need to hover over her? You called to wake her up, then again later. You didn't say what you wanted to talk about; could it have been something she didn't want to talk about? Could you have been nagging her about something or bad-mouthing your brothers?
Regardless of who's right or wrong, your relationship with the rest of your family seems to be hurting you. Your mom, deliberately or accidentally, hurts your feelings, and you are envious of your brothers because you perceive them to receive unfair treatment. You don't HAVE to attach yourself to these people. If they hurt you and treat you badly, you can disown them. You can write them off and never speak to them again--you can. You might not get any of the estate, but you might not anyway, and only you know whether it's worth selling your soul over. Nothing tears a family apart like squabbling over an inheritance. Only you can decide whether to put up with it.
Me? If I were truly being treated like the dairy maid, I'd walk away and let 'em have it. That kind of money is poison anyway.
Well, I wouldn't be the first person to go into therapy over family of origin issues.
And I sure won't be the last to deal with the ugliness that ensues following the death of a parent and the issues thereafter.
I agree that you're certainly not the first person and unfortunately, you won't be the last to get into therapy over family issues. It's not fair the situation you're in, I understand that. I have 3 brothers and I'm the only girl, I'm sure I'm going to have a fight on my hands when my mother dies. I've already gotten my mind geared up for that. All the same, I will be hurt when she does die and the shyt starts flying. I'm trying to remove myself from that mess so it won't be as bad when the time comes.
I also understand about your brothers being treated better then you; again I've experience that also. I could never do enough and my brothers just had to do alittle and they would get recognition and I wouldn't. Believe me, it happens more times then you know in families.
The anger and disappointment that you have probably stems from childhood and it might be a good idea just to talk to someone in the professional field to learn how to let go.
I, personally, don't talk to my mother that much. She talks to at least one of my brothers daily. I would back off and not call her anymore until she comes around and talks to you. Only then I would be very polite but I would not call her daily anymore.
I agree that you're certainly not the first person and unfortunately, you won't be the last to get into therapy over family issues. It's not fair the situation you're in, I understand that. I have 3 brothers and I'm the only girl, I'm sure I'm going to have a fight on my hands when my mother dies. I've already gotten my mind geared up for that. All the same, I will be hurt when she does die and the shyt starts flying. I'm trying to remove myself from that mess so it won't be as bad when the time comes.
I also understand about your brothers being treated better then you; again I've experience that also. I could never do enough and my brothers just had to do alittle and they would get recognition and I wouldn't. Believe me, it happens more times then you know in families.
The anger and disappointment that you have probably stems from childhood and it might be a good idea just to talk to someone in the professional field to learn how to let go.
I, personally, don't talk to my mother that much. She talks to at least one of my brothers daily. I would back off and not call her anymore until she comes around and talks to you. Only then I would be very polite but I would not call her daily anymore.
Well, I am sorry you can relate and deal with this too, but try not to borrow too much trouble before it happens. Nonetheless, it's wise to be prepared in advance.
Yes, I do have a therapist and this has come up several times. I've shown two therapists two different docs and they both agree with what I've come up with.
I will cut back on calling her. She now has her two doting sons and I think I'll just leave it at that. Sure, if she calls, I'll be pleasant. And I'll call once in a while. But it won't be like before.
I can recite what you are going through chapter and verse. It's not my generation though but the one ahead of me that is estranged and angry at each other over a **** pot of inheritance. Now I've lost that part of my extended family, my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. It's very sad and very stupid.
With regards to the inheritance, I always think you should live life assuming you will never inherit a thing from anyone. If money happens to come your way, view it as an unexpected gift. Families are ripped apart by squabbling over who should have gotten what... should the money have been divided equally, should ones who spent more time there at the end be given more... if it was me, I would want my mother to use all of that money on herself any way that she pleases. She was married to your father and it's her money, not yours and not your brothers'.
Very wise advice from h886. I told my mother and MIL to spend their money. Take a trip and see the world, buy a fancy car, a summer home, get new drapes for the house. Whatever floats their boat. It's their money, not their children's.
Agreed with the counseling. You need to talk to someone about this. I suspect as much or more than the money, it is the lifetime of inequity that you have experienced that is hurtful and that will take more than a few posts and even the wisest of CD counsel to sort through. You have my empathy.
^^^My mother's family went through that when my grandmother died. I missed out on cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Only a couple of years ago, my mother and her brothers and sisters started talking again in short increments. IMO, too late. None of us cousins know each other.
Since your sister is in the same boat as you, maybe you two could be each other sounding boards.
Also like h886 wisely said and I've made peace with that subject in my sitation too, is never expect money from inheritance. It would be a nice surprise if I received money from my mother but I don't think I will. I'm not about to take her or my brothers verbal abuse anymore.
Well, I am sorry you can relate and deal with this too, but try not to borrow too much trouble before it happens. Nonetheless, it's wise to be prepared in advance.
Yes, I do have a therapist and this has come up several times. I've shown two therapists two different docs and they both agree with what I've come up with.
I will cut back on calling her. She now has her two doting sons and I think I'll just leave it at that. Sure, if she calls, I'll be pleasant. And I'll call once in a while. But it won't be like before.
No, I'm just preparing my mind for the worse and if it's not that bad from my brothers and my mother left me something, then that's ok too. I don't really think too much about it but life is too short to deal with miserable people.
You seem to be getting the help that you need to get over this traumatic time in your life. It's unfortunate that your father cut you out of the will but he was probably old school and thought that your brothers would take care of the "girls". I don't know why people do that but they do. I don't think it has anything to do with how much he love you.
Thanks, yeah, I did agree my mom needs to keep the money for herself. One never knows - she just might need it. Fair enough. Like I said, I've conditioned myself to not expect to ever see another dime again. There was a family trust that was divided equally (of course, under my mother's supervision), but once she passes on all bets are off, which is why I've counted on never seeing another dime.
Are you sure the same amount of money is still there? I imagine he was in a nursing home while on hospice. That can be costly if there isn't any planning. Then, there are the wake/funeral expenses. If he didn't have a plot that's another 20-25k when all is said and done. Are you talking about millions here or thousands?
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