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Mother is 87 with mild dementia but has been narcissistic my entire life. She always thinks she is being cheated. I helped her with her money and constant accusations that every bank, utility company and repair person was cheating her until 4 years ago when she accused me of stealing from her, too. I live in Texas and she lives in California so it was daily phone calls and bi-monthly visits at my personal expense. Offended, I refused to help her anymore. Since, my brother (only sib, only relative) and SIL then tried to help her (they live in CA) but recently Mom has accused my SIL of stealing from her and has tried to get my SIL to sign a confession.
Yesterday Police took Mom to the county hospital for 72 hour mental evaluation. She had phoned them to report that the lady who does her taxes (great person - has helped Mom for 7 years) stole her checkbook and took $100K. This is not true; Mom has made many such reports against various people. But when the cops came to talk to Mom she told them she wanted to kill herself. Every time she isn't getting a result she wants, she threatens suicide. So here's where it stands. My brother and I agree we need to come up with a solid action plan about Mom (ongoing discussion over the past 7 years) but after her accusing me I am unwilling to help her unless we get legal managing conservatorship. He is just burnt out and is tired of dealing with anything and is pretty much not willing to go to attorney's offices and take that kind of time. I feel guilty not helping come up with solutions but have dug my heels in on insisting we go the legal route. Is drawing a wedge between us.
I know this is long so I won't detail all the things we have tried to this point, just believe we've done so many things already. But, should I try to support my brother and go out there and resolve Mom's latest issues (the new accusation to be disproved and home repairs) or hold my ground?
I think in the long run, the legal conservatorship is the only lasting answer. It is a burden to have your brother have to be the primary caretaker much of the time. It is a burden to have you fly out frequently at your expense to deal with these issues.
I would try calling your brother again, explaining that you want to be able to do more, take some of the burden off of him, but that you simply can't without these steps in place. And yes, I would hold my ground until he agreed. This is a difficult situation, at best. Without putting some legal measures into place, it has the ability to become a black hole.
Legal managing conservatorship...is that like power of attorney??I figure you should try to help your mom as much as is sanely possible.She's obviously suffering from mental illness...I don't have really any ideas to share with you...I just hope that you and your brother can stay close despite your moms problems.....your brother may be pissed at you because he doesn't want to be left to deal with your mom on his own...if you seek legal conservatorship...you can bet your mom will refuse to sign her controll away.
It's hard dealing with a parent suffering from failing mental health. My mother-in-law put my FIL through h*ll before she passed. Accusing him of sleeping with other women, stealing, etc.
You have to understand that it's not your mother. Her mind is not functioning properly, therefore her perception of reality is going to be different from yours. It's obvious she needs professional around the clock care and I would hope that you could put your hurt aside and meet with your brother to see that she gets it.
One day she will be gone. Can you live with your decision to hold your ground? If so, then so be it. If not, do something about it. Good luck to you.
It's hard dealing with a parent suffering from failing mental health. My mother-in-law put my FIL through h*ll before she passed. Accusing him of sleeping with other women, stealing, etc.
You have to understand that it's not your mother. Her mind is not functioning properly, therefore her perception of reality is going to be different from yours. It's obvious she needs professional around the clock care and I would hope that you could put your hurt aside and meet with your brother to see that she gets it.
One day she will be gone. Can you live with your decision to hold your ground? If so, then so be it. If not, do something about it. Good luck to you.
Without Legal managing conservatorship, we have no legal right to either put her in assisted living OR hire someone for home visits. Bro and I paid (personal pockets) for a senior helper 1-2x weekly but mom just sent the lady away and we kept paying ($75 per attempt) for her to knock on the door and be sent away for a 6 month period. Mom will resist but the police and all her neighbors will testify for us. Mom has a hole in her roof she refuses to fix because the roofers are conspiring with my brother to kick back money under the table to him from her funds. I have offered to pay for the roof myself but she refuses to let me help her because I stole from her. (Of course you know all this is her illness). Legal Managing Conservatorship is not power of attorney. It means taking over all her decisions and all her funds. BTW, both my brother and I have a level of financial comfort that we do not need her funds to provide for her, tho she has significant assets. The main problem is my brother is the bandaide fix whatever is today's problem guy and I want to take control.
Without Legal managing conservatorship, we have no legal right to either put her in assisted living OR hire someone for home visits. Bro and I paid (personal pockets) for a senior helper 1-2x weekly but mom just sent the lady away and we kept paying ($75 per attempt) for her to knock on the door and be sent away for a 6 month period. Mom will resist but the police and all her neighbors will testify for us. Mom has a hole in her roof she refuses to fix because the roofers are conspiring with my brother to kick back money under the table to him from her funds. I have offered to pay for the roof myself but she refuses to let me help her because I stole from her. (Of course you know all this is her illness). Legal Managing Conservatorship is not power of attorney. It means taking over all her decisions and all her funds. BTW, both my brother and I have a level of financial comfort that we do not need her funds to provide for her, tho she has significant assets. The main problem is my brother is the bandaide fix whatever is today's problem guy and I want to take control.
Do you need your brother to go to an attorney? It sounds like you should have enough evidence (neighbors testimony, numerous police calls/reports, doctor's reports, etc) to get a legal managing conservatorship on your own.
Do you need your brother to go to an attorney? It sounds like you should have enough evidence (neighbors testimony, numerous police calls/reports, doctor's reports, etc) to get a legal managing conservatorship on your own.
I don't live locally so it would be very hard to do this alone.......but that's worth exploring. We've been in this together, so I guess I have never thought to do anything unless we were united......
I don't live locally so it would be very hard to do this alone.......but that's worth exploring. We've been in this together, so I guess I have never thought to do anything unless we were united......
I understand and certainly it's the best case scenario if you AND your brother were to take care of this together. Perhaps you can arrange a time to talk to him without the distraction of everything going on with your mother and let him know how you feel and what you think the best course of action is. I'm sure you both will agree that your mother can't go on like this until she passes. Give her some quality of life because at this point she doesn't understand what's best for her.
Mother is 87 with mild dementia but has been narcissistic my entire life. She always thinks she is being cheated. I helped her with her money and constant accusations that every bank, utility company and repair person was cheating her until 4 years ago when she accused me of stealing from her, too. I live in Texas and she lives in California so it was daily phone calls and bi-monthly visits at my personal expense. Offended, I refused to help her anymore. Since, my brother (only sib, only relative) and SIL then tried to help her (they live in CA) but recently Mom has accused my SIL of stealing from her and has tried to get my SIL to sign a confession.
Yesterday Police took Mom to the county hospital for 72 hour mental evaluation. She had phoned them to report that the lady who does her taxes (great person - has helped Mom for 7 years) stole her checkbook and took $100K. This is not true; Mom has made many such reports against various people. But when the cops came to talk to Mom she told them she wanted to kill herself. Every time she isn't getting a result she wants, she threatens suicide. So here's where it stands. My brother and I agree we need to come up with a solid action plan about Mom (ongoing discussion over the past 7 years) but after her accusing me I am unwilling to help her unless we get legal managing conservatorship. He is just burnt out and is tired of dealing with anything and is pretty much not willing to go to attorney's offices and take that kind of time. I feel guilty not helping come up with solutions but have dug my heels in on insisting we go the legal route. Is drawing a wedge between us.
I know this is long so I won't detail all the things we have tried to this point, just believe we've done so many things already. But, should I try to support my brother and go out there and resolve Mom's latest issues (the new accusation to be disproved and home repairs) or hold my ground?
Well, first off, you need to understand how dementia affects personality. The things your mother is saying and doing are likely driven by that.
Second, if you can't get past your mother's behavior, then you should be helping out your brother. He is bearing the brunt on this, so it is ultimately he who needs the help in whatever way you can give it.
Mother is 87 with mild dementia but has been narcissistic my entire life. She always thinks she is being cheated. I helped her with her money and constant accusations that every bank, utility company and repair person was cheating her until 4 years ago when she accused me of stealing from her, too. I live in Texas and she lives in California so it was daily phone calls and bi-monthly visits at my personal expense. Offended, I refused to help her anymore. Since, my brother (only sib, only relative) and SIL then tried to help her (they live in CA) but recently Mom has accused my SIL of stealing from her and has tried to get my SIL to sign a confession.
Yesterday Police took Mom to the county hospital for 72 hour mental evaluation. She had phoned them to report that the lady who does her taxes (great person - has helped Mom for 7 years) stole her checkbook and took $100K. This is not true; Mom has made many such reports against various people. But when the cops came to talk to Mom she told them she wanted to kill herself. Every time she isn't getting a result she wants, she threatens suicide. So here's where it stands. My brother and I agree we need to come up with a solid action plan about Mom (ongoing discussion over the past 7 years) but after her accusing me I am unwilling to help her unless we get legal managing conservatorship. He is just burnt out and is tired of dealing with anything and is pretty much not willing to go to attorney's offices and take that kind of time. I feel guilty not helping come up with solutions but have dug my heels in on insisting we go the legal route. Is drawing a wedge between us.
I know this is long so I won't detail all the things we have tried to this point, just believe we've done so many things already. But, should I try to support my brother and go out there and resolve Mom's latest issues (the new accusation to be disproved and home repairs) or hold my ground?
There isn't any way you can have your mother committed to a mental treatment facility, so that she can get professional assistance and therapy? She really sounds like she may need professional help...
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She really sounds like she may need professional help...
