Did your parents help you with social integration? How? (husband, siblings, talks)

[Hans63]

I found an interesting comment in another thread, something about parenting:

Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl

Withholding love, the most extreme thing a "mother" could do to a child. Loving one's child is an instinctive act. In any species I've ever been in contact with, mothers automatically protect and care for their young. In humans that should include caring for the child's spirit, mental growth, and helping the child achieve social acceptance and integration. NO MATTER WHAT.

I think I'm one of the people whose parents didn't help in terms of "social integration" (see bolded text, above). I'm not saying I was abused. My parents were very attentive to such things as: am I eating, am I brushing my teeth, am I doing my homework, etc. But I don't think they were attentive to the above.

This brings several questions to mind:

1. What is meant by "social integration", in terms of results? What's different in the lives of adults who received the above guidance as a child, vs. those who did not?

2. What does that guidance look like? What do parents do, practically, to make it happen?

3. If one did not receive that guidance, how should they, as an adult son or daughter, relate to their parents? Should they view their parents as having withheld love (as the quoted paragraph suggests)? Should they raise this question with their parents?

4. How can one make up for not having received the above guidance? Is there something an adult can do, practically, that's different from what normal people need to do, in order to fill in what's missing? And does it work?

Please respond to one or more the questions I asked, especially if you can speak from personal experience. I think it will help me understand this better. Thanks.

[Ceece]

One first read I just interpret it to mean teaching manners and how to behave in public and that sort of thing. I suppose you could read a whole lot more into it but I don't think so.

If you are lacking that you can teach yourself by reading and observing.

[crisan]

1. What is meant by "social integration", in terms of results? What's different in the lives of adults who received the above guidance as a child, vs. those who did not?

I believe that people who received help with social integration learned that there are rules that need to be respected if you want to be part of a certain society.

2. What does that guidance look like? What do parents do, practically, to make it happen?

They practice it in their home I suspect. Parents are a child's first teacher.

It really depends on one's micro-culture. For example, how do parents view problems? How do they problem solve?

In our home, we look at information about people as a way to get to know them, not to hold it against them. Therefor, we are very proactive in setting ourselves for success and setting our daughter up for success.

For example, my daughter allowed other children to take her toys. We did not avoid children nor did we teach her to be aggressive. Instead, we set up the play area so that there were enough toys to go around, e.g. play dough, painting, coloring, playhouse or even water play.

Before children came to visit, we would ask her to put away any toys she did not want to share. Now, she knows how to say "When I am done playing, you can play with it next."

We also practice taking turns just within the family. Sometimes we go to the park because my husband likes it. Sometimes we go to the beach because I like it. Sometimes we do what my daughter wants to do.

As a child, nobody ever asked me what I wanted to do and basically took the backseat as a young adult.

3. If one did not receive that guidance, how should they, as an adult son or daughter, relate to their parents? Should they view their parents as having withheld love (as the quoted paragraph suggests)? Should they raise this question with their parents?

For me personally, I forgave my family for not knowing better. If they did, I am sure they would have taught me that instead.

4. How can one make up for not having received the above guidance? Is there something an adult can do, practically, that's different from what normal people need to do, in order to fill in what's missing? And does it work?

I have read many books since starting this "social integration" quest so there is no simple answer to give you. I asked a specific question on this forum, a book was recommended to me and that got me on the right path. It has worked out great for me but it may not for you.

[Hans63]

Thanks for the responses....

Originally Posted by crisan

I believe that people who received help with social integration learned that there are rules that need to be respected if you want to be part of a certain society....

Originally Posted by Ceece

One first read I just interpret it to mean teaching manners and how to behave in public and that sort of thing. I suppose you could read a whole lot more into it but I don't think so.

Yes, I was reading more into it. I was always pretty good at manners and courtesy, being able to deal with people at work, in public, etc. But I had thought that some parents would go beyond that.

What I had in mind was that, while growing up, one ought to learn about having friends, cultivating one's social circle, dating, etc., so eventually you can not only function as an adult at work and in public, but also be able to build your personal life. I'm guessing that some parents make an active effort to guide the son or daughter in these areas. If the kid was having trouble in these areas, the parents would make it known that they are a resource for advice. And if these things were not happening in the kid's life at all, the parents would at least notice, and perhaps try to encourage the kid to develop in these areas.

I'm wondering, what is more common, parents doing that or not doing that?

It was always my experience that neither my parents nor my older siblings would notice these things or try to guide or encourage me. I can't remember any time (either as a teenager or as an adult) when any of them ever asked me whether I have friends, or whether I was dating, etc. I'm unclear on whether this is normal.

As for how to correct this, yes, I did some reading. For example, I read a book called "Class: What it is and how to acquire it", by Mortimer Levitt. I remember a part where he talks about hosting dinner parties at his house. Since this is something my parents never did, I would not have thought of it if I had not read that book. Subsequently, I hosted a dinner party at my place, and people came, but none of them ever reciprocated. I never knew why. But at least I made the effort.

I'm guessing that there are nuances in any social circumstance that are better learned by seeing it while growing up, than by reading it in a book.

Another example of what I'm talking about is from an old thread:

Originally Posted by Jay F

I know about 10 guys who rarely/never date or "hookup".One thing I find disturbing is NONE of their parents have ever asked them or nagged them about getting married one day. The parents act like it's normal for their son's not to interact with women.. It's not normal, it's extremely deviant. In fact if their parents had that the same lax attitide their sons wouldn't even exist.

While I don't advocate "nagging", I'm guessing that if the parents show interest in whether the son is dating or not, it probably has a positive effect.

So that's what I meant by parents taking an interest in their son's or daughter's social integration. I was wondering if this is common. Or is this something that happens only in TV-like perfect families?

[Sunnysee]

My parents "lived" whatever they wished to teach us. They were very social folks. Dad was a plant manager, Mom stayed at home until I, the youngest entered Jr. High School then she entered the workforce, again. Dad ran for and was elected to be a city councilman for six years.

Our phone rang off of the proverbial wall and the coffee maker had coffee from arising till almost bedtime. Folks were welcome to drop by and did, family and friends alike.

Our house was one of "the" places for our friends to hang, and they did. Mom even hosted a talent show for all of the neighborhood kids when we three were in elementary school. We had this weird patio in Austin that was approx. two feet above the ground. She said it was a stage so let's use it and we did, haphazardly but laughing our butts off and it was a great time.

[Ceece]

I'm guessing that there are nuances in any social circumstance that are better learned by seeing it while growing up, than by reading it in a book.

That's true. But some of the things I learned by observing my parents just aren't in vogue much these days. The dinner party being one of them. I guess I could have people over to dinner but I don't really do that except to have a few family members on the holidays. Friends are more likely to go out somewhere. My parents also used to play cards regularly with another couple, but I never found a couple like that to do things with. I honestly think most of us just make stuff up as we go along and some are naturally better at it than others. At least that's what I tell myself My young adult daughter is a natural at entertaining and having parties, something she didn't learn from me!

[Hans63]

Originally Posted by Ceece

My young adult daughter is a natural at entertaining and having parties, something she didn't learn from me!

That's cool. At least you're attentive enough to know that she even has parties, and have managed to observe how it worked out. It shows that you're interested. Some parents pay attention to such things, and some don't.

[dragonborn]

My parents didn't give a ****e. Dad disappeared and mum was too busy pleasing husband #2. I was never taught how to fight back, no one cared whether I did my homework or not, or what I did with my life past age 16. You can choose a lot of things in life, but unfortunately, none of us can choose our parents.

[crisan]

What I had in mind was that, while growing up, one ought to learn about having friends, cultivating one's social circle, dating, etc., so eventually you can not only function as an adult at work and in public, but also be able to build your personal life. I'm guessing that some parents make an active effort to guide the son or daughter in these areas. If the kid was having trouble in these areas, the parents would make it known that they are a resource for advice. And if these things were not happening in the kid's life at all, the parents would at least notice, and perhaps try to encourage the kid to develop in these areas.

It depends on your micro-culture and parenting skills. Some parents role play so children learn social skills. Some parents don't. Some parents are observant and know their child well. Some are not. Sometimes involved parents try to mold the child a certain way. Some parents believe in letting their child figure out things through their friends.

It was always my experience that neither my parents nor my older siblings would notice these things or try to guide or encourage me. I can't remember any time (either as a teenager or as an adult) when any of them ever asked me whether I have friends, or whether I was dating, etc. I'm unclear on whether this is normal.

I think that depends on culture as well as a social skills. Asking people questions usually means you want to get to know a person better. How and why you ask are shaped by culture and skills. How the questioner reacts especially to less than desirable answers is also shaped by these.

As for how to correct this, yes, I did some reading. For example, I read a book called "Class: What it is and how to acquire it", by Mortimer Levitt. I remember a part where he talks about hosting dinner parties at his house. Since this is something my parents never did, I would not have thought of it if I had not read that book. Subsequently, I hosted a dinner party at my place, and people came, but none of them ever reciprocated. I never knew why. But at least I made the effort.

We don't reciprocate mainly because our friends have large families and we would have to invite them all. We have told them this and they are totally okay with it. They still invite us for their dinner parties.

I guess my question is, did you throw a dinner party hoping that somebody would invite you to theirs? Maybe they don't share the importance of it like you do. Maybe they don't have confidence in putting one together.

You chose your guest and how to entertain them. I would then allow them the opportunity to choose me and how they would want to entertain me. Of course, I could decline.

I'm guessing that there are nuances in any social circumstance that are better learned by seeing it while growing up, than by reading it in a book.

Books are great for getting ideas, different point-of-views, or even an opportunity for you to discover that people share the same experience as you do.

While I don't advocate "nagging", I'm guessing that if the parents show interest in whether the son is dating or not, it probably has a positive effect.

I don't see a problem showing interest as long as there is not an agenda. The parent shows interest because they want to know their child better. The information is not held against them unless it is a problem for the family.

[LoveWisdom]

Originally Posted by Hans63

I found an interesting comment in another thread, something about parenting:



I think I'm one of the people whose parents didn't help in terms of "social integration" (see bolded text, above). I'm not saying I was abused. My parents were very attentive to such things as: am I eating, am I brushing my teeth, am I doing my homework, etc. But I don't think they were attentive to the above.

This brings several questions to mind:

1. What is meant by "social integration", in terms of results? What's different in the lives of adults who received the above guidance as a child, vs. those who did not?

2. What does that guidance look like? What do parents do, practically, to make it happen?

3. If one did not receive that guidance, how should they, as an adult son or daughter, relate to their parents? Should they view their parents as having withheld love (as the quoted paragraph suggests)? Should they raise this question with their parents?

4. How can one make up for not having received the above guidance? Is there something an adult can do, practically, that's different from what normal people need to do, in order to fill in what's missing? And does it work?

Please respond to one or more the questions I asked, especially if you can speak from personal experience. I think it will help me understand this better. Thanks.

For parents to help with social integration means: they PUSH you or FORCE you to go out and be with other people. My mom did that to me. I was never happy about it. And I guess it was good for me overall. I just didn't FEEL happy about it. But I am sure it helped somewhat in the long run.

The parents who don't do that probably just don't realize the importance of helping a child develop social skills and making a child get used to interacting with other people. Either that, or they just don't have time or don't care. That does NOT mean that they withheld their love. Many parents fail to prepare their child for life in some ways. But it doesn't mean that they don't love you.

Don't raise ANY questions with your parent. The past is past. It will do NO good for any of you to rehash the past and their possible mistakes. They did the best they could.

Practically, they make you sign up for things and engage in activities with people. NOW you can force yourself to do the same thing in order to try to make up for the missing time.