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One of the reasons I have I trouble making friends is because when I want to say something to show my interest in something, I don't sound like I'm really interested and I think it's because I prepare a few seconds or minutes beforehand, due to my shyness and/or anxiety, to express interest.
I'll give an example if you don't understand. Say it's break time at school and some other guy's listening to a song that you love. In your head, you're thinking something like "Ohhhhh. It's that amazing song I love...from the amazing rapper...I should get up and go bond with that guy who's listening, we have something in common, maybe we can become friends." But first you sit down and prepare for what you're going to say, but because you waited too long, by the time you get there and say that to him, it doesn't sound like you're really interested and it no longer sounds natural and feels like you forced yourself to say that so you could just converse with that person.
Does anyone understand what I'm saying? How can I stop this habit? In the case of the example, when someone first starts up the song, that's when I should express interest to the guy listening, by saying it out loud so it seems more natural, right?
Have you ever been told you might have Aspergers Syndrome? That's first thought pops up in my mind. If you can find a good counselor some of them can train you in social interaction which may help you more with being able to hold a relaxed conversation. I would suggest reading books on how making friends, proper etiquette and what not as those may help.
One thing I would do differently in the situation you just described is to lose the friendship interest. In other words, I wouldn't say to that person that I love that song in order to make friends because that would only be in my interest.
I would say something that may be in his interest to hear, like a compliment, e.g. "that's a great song", and not expect anything in return.
I would advise that you use this trait/ability of yours as a plus. To often, people have the opposite problem--impulsivity--they speak or act without thinking first. Part of what professionals then try to help them with is to stop & think, before reacting. Your issue sounds more like confidence. I tend to think that's way easier to work on (or treat) than impulsivity.
Your first instinct was good: Wow, that song is amazing! But for some reason, you feel like you have to block that natural reaction and rehearse what to say. Why not do an experiment, and for one day, say (within reason) just what pops into your head. You might find that people are more comfortable around you when you are being natural and "real." Then try it for a couple days in a row.
I used to be EXTREMELY shy as a teenager. I always thought of quick, funny jokes and responses when others would talk, but I kept them to myself, thinking no one would think I was funny or that what I said was stupid. When I got to college, I decided to let the jokes out. First I decided to try it "just at this party" or "just in this one class" and soon I was able to do it more & more. Turns out, I really cracked people up when I opened my mouth. I was like an un-shy person trapped inside a shy body. I'm in my 40s now, and people still think I'm funny (plus I crack myself up). People who knew me in middle school and high school who I connect with on Facebook routinely say "Were you this funny in high school?" or "I wish I had gotten to know you better back in school." (Even a guy I had a huge crush on in 8th grade just said something like that to me last week!)
But if you work on this, work on doing it for yourself, not on it as a way to "make friends." I've always thought that "making friends" sounds so planned and artificial, like "creating jobs." Just think of it as a way of getting the person you are inside to be "out there" a little. Then you might be surprised that you'll end up making more friends, just because poepl will actually get to know you a little, and the stuff that you're interested in.
How to act more interested and not "prepare" to talk?
If you are interested in other people, you won't have to "act" any certain way - it will be obvious and GENUINE. It sounds like you are focusing on yourself, and how you will be perceived......which is NOT being "interested" in the other person.
Quote:
In your head, you're thinking something like "Ohhhhh. It's that amazing song I love...from the amazing rapper...I should get up and go bond with that guy who's listening, we have something in common, maybe we can become friends."
You are zooming way ahead of yourself with these kind of thoughts. You don't have to get something (becoming "friends") out of every minor social interaction that you have with people ~ frankly it doesn"t sound like you are genuinely interested in others ~ only in the response you will receive for your observation ~ jmho ~ best to chill out and work on your self esteem
One of the reasons I have I trouble making friends is because when I want to say something to show my interest in something, I don't sound like I'm really interested and I think it's because I prepare a few seconds or minutes beforehand, due to my shyness and/or anxiety, to express interest.
I'll give an example if you don't understand. Say it's break time at school and some other guy's listening to a song that you love. In your head, you're thinking something like "Ohhhhh. It's that amazing song I love...from the amazing rapper...I should get up and go bond with that guy who's listening, we have something in common, maybe we can become friends." But first you sit down and prepare for what you're going to say, but because you waited too long, by the time you get there and say that to him, it doesn't sound like you're really interested and it no longer sounds natural and feels like you forced yourself to say that so you could just converse with that person.
Does anyone understand what I'm saying? How can I stop this habit? In the case of the example, when someone first starts up the song, that's when I should express interest to the guy listening, by saying it out loud so it seems more natural, right?
Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying man. My sister-in-law is like this. She's pretty shy, and she gets all worked up when she has something to say... she waits for moments exactly like the ones you're describing. Unfortunately, she comes off as self-centered and weird. Here's what I'd recommend: don't be so eager. Try to really reflect on your interest in other people and conversations. Don't think about saying anything or worry about "missing your moment." Moments to connect to other people happen all of the time. They're about as frequent as subway stops in NYC. You miss one -- no biggie. You can catch another one five mintues later. Just focus on building your interest in others for now.
One of the reasons I have I trouble making friends is because when I want to say something to show my interest in something, I don't sound like I'm really interested and I think it's because I prepare a few seconds or minutes beforehand, due to my shyness and/or anxiety, to express interest.
I'll give an example if you don't understand. Say it's break time at school and some other guy's listening to a song that you love. In your head, you're thinking something like "Ohhhhh. It's that amazing song I love...from the amazing rapper...I should get up and go bond with that guy who's listening, we have something in common, maybe we can become friends." But first you sit down and prepare for what you're going to say, but because you waited too long, by the time you get there and say that to him, it doesn't sound like you're really interested and it no longer sounds natural and feels like you forced yourself to say that so you could just converse with that person.
Does anyone understand what I'm saying? How can I stop this habit? In the case of the example, when someone first starts up the song, that's when I should express interest to the guy listening, by saying it out loud so it seems more natural, right?
Its ok to be shy! Sometimes, if you are a girl, guys find shyness endearing. It sounds to me like you are not only shy but scared you just might say something dumb and the person won't talk to you and there you have it...REJECTION. Relax. Doesn't matter if you think what you say is dumb..even if it is, chances are he won't remember it five minutes from the time you said it. Know what I mean? You say it, he might make a face, then he either will talk to you or he won't. In the meantime, while you are "rehearsing" all this stuff in your head, that person has walked away and your chance is gone. The whole secret to making new friends is to be the first one to smile, say hello and then talk about even the most unimportant of things. My husband says I talk to everyone and I do. Every person you meet is a chance to make a new friend and often times I have people automatically talk to me and I will take the time to chat. I have had things happen like I will be shopping and someone will be looking thru the same rack of clothing I may be looking at and I will hold something up and say "Oh, look isn't this adorable".....then the conversation goes from there.
You can't be afraid of people and what they will say to you..in the bigger scheme of things they are more than likely just as nervous as you are. Try a simple "good morning" or just smile...it does work.
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