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Gee, what would a child want more...piano lessons, or a safe, protected environment in her own home? You just explained even more of your sister's behavior. It's probably why she wants money - that's how Mom showed her "love." Mom couldn't provide her with a safe home, so she gave her material stuff instead. Fail.
I agree, it's all speculation. But you should try to walk a mile in your sister's shoes. Your mother failed at a big part of her parenting responsibilities with your sister. That's a fact you put out there. I think it explains a lot of your sister's behaviors. I wasn't trying to offend you, but sometimes the truth hurts.
I assume you keep saying my sister grew up in an unsafe, unprotected environment because I said in my original post:
Quote:
My mom divorced her dad after many years of neglect and emotional abuse (he cheated on my mom, refused to buy clothes for my sister when she was small, and was obsessed with cleanliness – this is from both my mom and my sister).
My sister never knew anything was going on with her parents. She's told me that many times. Her dad worked out of town a lot. He wasn't there much. My mom protected her from the friction and animosity, apparently - since my sister has told me many times that she didn't know what was happening. She had clothes because my mom bought them. My mom kept the house and cars clean the way her husband liked so my sister didn't know that was his rule. Am I missing something? Is there something else I've said that makes you think my mom was a terrible mother to my sister? I would say that her dad was less than spectacular, but most of that has to do with things he's done to her as an adult and has nothing to do with this post.
I think I've said in this thread that I admire the turnaround my sister has made. She was a really sweet kid (I've heard), but she got tangled up with a loser while she was in college. Her whole life from that point was downhill until the last few years. Her anger with my mom blew up while she was married to the first, abusive husband. She never told any of us that he abused her, but she has a lot of resentment and anger over that. Without getting into specifics, I do understand her feelings, but we had no idea what was happening. She lived three states away. How could we have known?
Her bitterness toward her father stems from this time in her life also. He lived close by and sided with her ex during the custody hearings. My mom paid for her attorney, but she lost. She hasn't seen her oldest two kids in fifteen years. It's really, really sad, and I hurt for all of them. Still, I think she should talk to her dad. She's his only kid. He reaches out to her and tries. I know a lot of people say "cut ties and run". I'm not cut from that cloth. They don't have to be besties, but I think it's sad. It's not my call though, and I don't comment on it at all.
I have tried to come at it from my sister's POV. My mom was really good to her. However, none of us were there. All I know is what my sister has told me: mom was her biggest cheerleader and (from her email to me last week) mom is "the only person who makes me feel like I belong".
The entire point of my posting, which another comment failed to comprehend, is that my sister's words and actions don't match, that she's self-absorbed and hasn't reached out to mom at all since mom told her she had cancer, that I just needed a sounding board. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted because the situation is difficult to fully explain. My mom isn't innocent, I know that. Absolutely no parent is 100% right all the time. I'm just frustrated that my sister says such wonderful things and then acts completely differently. I would think that that would frustrate anyone here.
Nope, I don't believe your sister was "unaware" or "clear" from the emotional abuse and neglect only your mother now conveniently seemed to suffer. I call BS.
You don't want to understand your sister's actions and get over your judgements and grudges, it's no skin off my back. And yes, you came to a public forum where everyone isn't going to agree with you, or god forbid (gasp!), see a different side to something. It's so sad how you diminish what happened to your sister in her past relationships, but feel bad for dear old Mom, who made the same mistakes. She was the role model for your sister. I know, it is obvious that is very hard for you to understand.
It's sad, really, because with some acknowledgment and sympathy these relationships could be repaired. But you would rather throw a tantrum about your sister and stroke your own ego about being the "good" child. Congrats on that.
Nope, I don't believe your sister was "unaware" or "clear" from the emotional abuse and neglect only your mother now conveniently seemed to suffer. I call BS.
You don't want to understand your sister's actions and get over your judgements and grudges, it's no skin off my back. And yes, you came to a public forum where everyone isn't going to agree with you, or god forbid (gasp!), see a different side to something. It's so sad how you diminish what happened to your sister in her past relationships, but feel bad for dear old Mom, who made the same mistakes. She was the role model for your sister. I know, it is obvious that is very hard for you to understand.
It's sad, really, because with some acknowledgment and sympathy these relationships could be repaired. But you would rather throw a tantrum about your sister and stroke your own ego about being the "good" child. Congrats on that.
I see it that way also. Especially your last paragraph. We are supposed to just blindly agree with the OP without hearing both sides of the story.
IME, normally there is never one party . 100 percent at fault in bad relationships.
Nope, I don't believe your sister was "unaware" or "clear" from the emotional abuse and neglect only your mother now conveniently seemed to suffer. I call BS.
You don't want to understand your sister's actions and get over your judgements and grudges, it's no skin off my back. And yes, you came to a public forum where everyone isn't going to agree with you, or god forbid (gasp!), see a different side to something. It's so sad how you diminish what happened to your sister in her past relationships, but feel bad for dear old Mom, who made the same mistakes. She was the role model for your sister. I know, it is obvious that is very hard for you to understand.
It's sad, really, because with some acknowledgment and sympathy these relationships could be repaired. But you would rather throw a tantrum about your sister and stroke your own ego about being the "good" child. Congrats on that.
Ok, for argument's sake, let's assume that Mom was horrible when older sis was growing up. (Mine was, but it didn't stop me from putting on my big girl pants when she had cancer).
Doesn't she have an obligation to be there for her baby sister? Her grudge is only with Mom, right? But the OP has to be the only one to be there, physically and emotionally for Mom? Have any of you been through that? Do you know how draining it is? I don't. Because like I said, my sisters were the ones that were there day in and day out. They are my personal heroes. But the sister calls to complain about one of her kids? I'm sorry, this is just a self-absorbed person. Isn't she about 50? A little too old to be playing the wounded daughter.
I think some of you have grudges against your mothers and you are projecting onto this situation BIG TIME. Take a step back and actually read what the OP is saying and stop replaying your own personal dramas into this.
Ok, for argument's sake, let's assume that Mom was horrible when older sis was growing up. (Mine was, but it didn't stop me from putting on my big girl pants when she had cancer).
Doesn't she have an obligation to be there for her baby sister? Her grudge is only with Mom, right? But the OP has to be the only one to be there, physically and emotionally for Mom? Have any of you been through that? Do you know how draining it is? I don't. Because like I said, my sisters were the ones that were there day in and day out. They are my personal heroes. But the sister calls to complain about one of her kids? I'm sorry, this is just a self-absorbed person. Isn't she about 50? A little too old to be playing the wounded daughter.
I think some of you have grudges against your mothers and you are projecting onto this situation BIG TIME. Take a step back and actually read what the OP is saying and stop replaying your own personal dramas into this.
Not personal drama, just common sense. And the OP is playing wounded daughter, if you ask me.
The sister is 50 years old. She has always been this way, and will not change. The OP is expecting her to change now. Aint gonna happen. Instead of worrying about her sister, OP needs to put that energy into caring for her mother. It would be wonderful if family members act the way we want them to, but they don't.
I was there when my dad died; my sister was not. I didn't expect anything else. I certainly don't bring it up all the time. I have a feeling the OP is going to repeat this for the rest of their lives ("I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE!").
Ok, for argument's sake, let's assume that Mom was horrible when older sis was growing up. (Mine was, but it didn't stop me from putting on my big girl pants when she had cancer).
Doesn't she have an obligation to be there for her baby sister? Her grudge is only with Mom, right? But the OP has to be the only one to be there, physically and emotionally for Mom? Have any of you been through that? Do you know how draining it is? I don't. Because like I said, my sisters were the ones that were there day in and day out. They are my personal heroes. But the sister calls to complain about one of her kids? I'm sorry, this is just a self-absorbed person. Isn't she about 50? A little too old to be playing the wounded daughter.
I think some of you have grudges against your mothers and you are projecting onto this situation BIG TIME. Take a step back and actually read what the OP is saying and stop replaying your own personal dramas into this.
Thank you so much.
I do know how my sister is. She has been like this all my life. I'm not surprised. I'm not personally wounded. I was upset when my mom cried over it, and I was upset when she sent me an email saying (and I quote) "I give up". How can you say you love someone and say "I give up" in the same email? I didn't get that, and I sent her an email saying that I thought she'd regret it but it was up to her. Since my email and her initial rant, she's been very, very apologetic. I was really shocked to read her rant. She had never, ever said such nasty things to me before, and I had no idea she felt that way about me. I certainly never made any life decision to spite her or to win anyone's affections. I made a lot of decisions that upset my parents, but what difference does that make in the face of death?
I do appreciate the positive feedback, especially the advice to go on and email her and to start a Caring Bridge site. This was good information. I do email my sister with mom's condition and news every evening. That was gone a long way to help things. Of course, I am still bothered by her rant. I have tried to think it through. The responses on this site have both helped and hindered. In the end, however, it's all about taking care of my mom and my dad.
My husband just flew down for a little while to help my dad with projects. After mom's next chemo, they will be moving to our home state. Mom can't receive care in her home state, and no one else lives close to a cancer center. Mom will live with us while she before and after high dose chemo & a stem cell transplant. I've asked my sister to come visit mom before the move. She said she will. I haven't told mom in case she backs out. I do hope she will come.
I do know how my sister is. She has been like this all my life. I'm not surprised. I'm not personally wounded. I was upset when my mom cried over it, and I was upset when she sent me an email saying (and I quote) "I give up". How can you say you love someone and say "I give up" in the same email? I didn't get that, and I sent her an email saying that I thought she'd regret it but it was up to her. Since my email and her initial rant, she's been very, very apologetic. I was really shocked to read her rant. She had never, ever said such nasty things to me before, and I had no idea she felt that way about me. I certainly never made any life decision to spite her or to win anyone's affections. I made a lot of decisions that upset my parents, but what difference does that make in the face of death?
I do appreciate the positive feedback, especially the advice to go on and email her and to start a Caring Bridge site. This was good information. I do email my sister with mom's condition and news every evening. That was gone a long way to help things. Of course, I am still bothered by her rant. I have tried to think it through. The responses on this site have both helped and hindered. In the end, however, it's all about taking care of my mom and my dad.
My husband just flew down for a little while to help my dad with projects. After mom's next chemo, they will be moving to our home state. Mom can't receive care in her home state, and no one else lives close to a cancer center. Mom will live with us while she before and after high dose chemo & a stem cell transplant. I've asked my sister to come visit mom before the move. She said she will. I haven't told mom in case she backs out. I do hope she will come.
Is it possible (and this is pure speculation) that your sister is not only in denial about your mother's condition but also feeling tremendously angry at the possibility of losing her for good? I'm not saying that's going to happen but this illness is terrifying and she may not know how to deal with her fear. Is she expressing her anger in all these confusing and hurtful ways because she may not understand herself what's going on? Is it possible that altho she may resent her childhood or your mother or you, she still feels love for you all and the conflict is making her act out? Sometimes when we're scared and angry about one thing and don't know how to express it, the emotion comes out somewhere else. I remember when my aunt died a few years ago my Dad (her brother) seemed very unaffected by it, but then he started having the most terrible tantrums at totally trivial things.
Is it possible (and this is pure speculation) that your sister is not only in denial about your mother's condition but also feeling tremendously angry at the possibility of losing her for good? I'm not saying that's going to happen but this illness is terrifying and she may not know how to deal with her fear. Is she expressing her anger in all these confusing and hurtful ways because she may not understand herself what's going on? Is it possible that altho she may resent her childhood or your mother or you, she still feels love for you all and the conflict is making her act out? Sometimes when we're scared and angry about one thing and don't know how to express it, the emotion comes out somewhere else. I remember when my aunt died a few years ago my Dad (her brother) seemed very unaffected by it, but then he started having the most terrible tantrums at totally trivial things.
Yes, I think you are probably right. My dad is also acting out. He has severe emotional and psychological issues from his time in Vietnam so it is a lot easier to cut him slack (although sometimes I'd love to smack him ). I have chosen (in the recent days) to deal with my sister in a similar way that I deal with my dad. I don't take things personally, and I keep them in the loop in a calm way. If I need to vent or freak out, I call my husband (having learned that online venting can create more stress) or Skype with a dear friend.
Until I have time to come to terms with my own emotions, which will be many months from now, I will keep my mouth shut unless circumstances arise making it impossible to do so. I guess that's why I posted in the first place. It's been challenging to keep it together for everyone - my mom, my dad, my sister. It's been a challenge to take everyone's fear and stress and to deal with my own as well. My poor husband will need a therapist too when this is over!
Thanks for your insight. I think you have a point, and I will try to keep it in mind.
Yes, I think you are probably right. My dad is also acting out. He has severe emotional and psychological issues from his time in Vietnam so it is a lot easier to cut him slack (although sometimes I'd love to smack him ). I have chosen (in the recent days) to deal with my sister in a similar way that I deal with my dad. I don't take things personally, and I keep them in the loop in a calm way. If I need to vent or freak out, I call my husband (having learned that online venting can create more stress) or Skype with a dear friend.
Until I have time to come to terms with my own emotions, which will be many months from now, I will keep my mouth shut unless circumstances arise making it impossible to do so. I guess that's why I posted in the first place. It's been challenging to keep it together for everyone - my mom, my dad, my sister. It's been a challenge to take everyone's fear and stress and to deal with my own as well. My poor husband will need a therapist too when this is over!
Thanks for your insight. I think you have a point, and I will try to keep it in mind.
Hang in there. Emotions seem to get amplified at a time like this. You are lucky to have a husband that you can blow off steam with. You have inspired me to write a nice email to my three sisters for great work they did seven years ago. I know my mom passed away feeling completed surrounded by love.
Also, I think it's very smart not to tell your mom about her promise to visit. No sense in setting her up for a possible let-down.
And don't worry about the negative comments. Often in threads like this, people have made critical statements to me that, at first, offended me, but then really made me see another point of view when I calmed down. I think it's a good thing to get all different kinds of feedback, as long as you are strong enough to take it.
Yes, I think you are probably right. My dad is also acting out. He has severe emotional and psychological issues from his time in Vietnam so it is a lot easier to cut him slack (although sometimes I'd love to smack him ). I have chosen (in the recent days) to deal with my sister in a similar way that I deal with my dad. I don't take things personally, and I keep them in the loop in a calm way. If I need to vent or freak out, I call my husband (having learned that online venting can create more stress) or Skype with a dear friend.
Until I have time to come to terms with my own emotions, which will be many months from now, I will keep my mouth shut unless circumstances arise making it impossible to do so. I guess that's why I posted in the first place. It's been challenging to keep it together for everyone - my mom, my dad, my sister. It's been a challenge to take everyone's fear and stress and to deal with my own as well. My poor husband will need a therapist too when this is over!
Thanks for your insight. I think you have a point, and I will try to keep it in mind.
You need to take care of yourself too - don't fall into the Martyr Trap. You are just as entitled to be angry and scared as everyone else so don't feel you have to deal with anyone else's mixed up emotions all the time. I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest as much as possible and tell people if/when you're just not up holding their hand .
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). I have chosen (in the recent days) to deal with my sister in a similar way that I deal with my dad. I don't take things personally, and I keep them in the loop in a calm way. If I need to vent or freak out, I call my husband (having learned that online venting can create more stress) or Skype with a dear friend. 
.
