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In April my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. She felt a knot in her neck after falling back in February, I believe, and after visiting four doctors, found out that it was cancer.
I have an older sister – 15 years older. She is almost 50, and she’s had a strained relationship with mom since she was about 16. I’ve never known them to see eye-to-eye. My mom divorced her dad after many years of neglect and emotional abuse (he cheated on my mom, refused to buy clothes for my sister when she was small, and was obsessed with cleanliness – this is from both my mom and my sister). My sister and my dad get along really well, and she and I have always gotten along ok. We don’t talk much. She has grandkids at this point, and I don’t have kids yet. We’re in different phases of life, and we have completely different personalities. She’s highly emotional and volatile, and I’m more even-tempered. She’s self-focused (not meant in a negative way necessarily), and I’m all about my family and friends. She likes manicured nails, highlighted hair, and jewelry; and I don’t paint my nails, highlight my hair or wear much jewelry unless there’s a big special occasion.
There’s another big difference between us: my sister has struggled in life and I haven’t. I admire how she’s mostly turned things around. She got married at 19, dropped out of college, had two kids with a physically abusive husband, lost both kids in the divorce, married another abuser (emotional this time), had two more kids, he left her for another woman after she put him through college, and now she’s hooked up with a narrow-minded, racist, control freak. She did get through college in her 40s and has a good career now. All along the way, she’s taken money from mom to buy clothes for the kids, cars, to pay rent, and to pay for professional exams.
My life is completely different. I went to college, married a really great guy, and have never asked for a dime. That’s not to say mom and I haven’t disagreed. I don’t have a career, and my mom hates that. Of course, other than that, we see eye-to-eye on most things.
When my mom told me she had cancer, I said, “Do you want me to fly down, mom?” I live 15 hours away from her. My mom, fearing my sister would freak out (emotional, remember?), only said to her that she would need chemo. My sister said, “Oh, mom, there’s nothing wrong with you. You just need a massage.” I was totally floored when my mom called, laughing. My mom has long since learned to take my sister with a grain of salt.
Since that time, I have called mom everyday, sometimes twice a day, and I flew down after the first chemo. My sister has called three times (once after mom’s first chemo to ask for money) since April and emailed 4-5 times (once to complain about her husband). I started to get angry. I wanted to send her an email or call and tell her to snap out of it. I knew it would do no good and maybe would upset mom. I knew it hurt my mom, though, that my sister didn't seem interested, and she cried about it one night.
After mom’s first round of treatment (three cycles of CHOP), I drove down to be with her for her doctor’s appointment and tests. That was four weeks ago, and I’m still with her. We found out that she will need many more months of treatment, and some of the treatment cannot be done in her state. She will have to move, which means my dad will have to sell the house and move (he’s not physically or mentally healthy so my husband and I will have to help).
My sister had not called or email during my entire trip until Wednesday night. My mom had her dr’s appointment last Friday (not yesterday). Tuesday she entered the hospital for a 3 night stay for chemo. I stayed with her and took my laptop. She had me read her email to her, and on Wednesday night my sister sent her an email wanting to know why she wasn’t emailing her and telling her what was going on. She accused mom of keeping things from her. That made me angry, but I sent her an email, from my account, telling her what was going on. She responded with “That’s good and bad. Good because mom’s tumors have shrunk and bad because no one ever tells me what’s going on.” She went on for a few more sentences about how no one communicates with her, and then she said, “I give up.” I waited a day to respond. I was not happy. I sent her an email that said that mom wasn’t communicating with anyone because she’s too ill, and I told her that I thought she’d regret giving up on mom but she was an adult. I also told her that if she didn’t want to communicate directly with mom, I could send her weekly emails. Oh, brother! She freaked out! She chewed me out about being “the good one”, how she was mom’s kid too, and said how dare I accuse her of giving up on mom.
I didn’t take the bait. I ignored the email and a few minutes later she sent another apologizing. She asked questions, and I answered them without referring to the first email.
It occurred to me a few days later that my dad and I entered her world when she was a kid. She didn’t ask for us to come along. I never thought about it. She never talks much about her real dad and calls my dad “Dad” so I never thought she might resent us. There’s such an age gap that I never thought about competition or anything like that. I know that I get along better with my parents, but I’ve never missed a Christmas with them. I have always visited them 3-4 times a year, no matter how close or far I lived. I call every week unless someone was ill, and then I call everyday. I email everyday. My sister is the complete opposite. She went two years without a call, a letter, or a visit. Her dad put an APB out on her to find her. She visits about every 5-6 years. Can she really expect mom and dad to depend on her when things get bad? Can her feelings really be hurt that mom and dad are talking about moving near my husband and I and not her?
I guess I’m just ranting, but comments are welcome. I’m not sure what to do about her. She wants to know everything, but she doesn’t want to do any work on the relationship. Frankly, my focus is only my mother, and I resent this high school behavior from my almost 50-year-old sister. It’s extra drama that I just don’t need.
Chow is right. Focus on what you can do. You can't fix your sister, her relationship with your mom, or whether she resented you and your father as a teen. What you CAN do is keep her in the loop with information. Just as I'm sure you are sending your husband a daily update while you're there with your parents, send the same to your sister. Type it out once, the copy the parts that are about your mom and send it to her other daughter. Don't put in too much personal stuff - try to keep it mostly about the medical stuff with a little bit about your mother's emotional state, but not too heavy.
I have a friend whose sister is going through some serious chemo, radiation, and bone marrow transplants after being in remission from multiple myeloma. Amazingly both my friend and her sister post on facebook whenever something has changed just to keep everyone in the loop, from friends to extended family. I know it isn't always easy on them but it actually helps them focus on the good - how much love there is surrounding them by all those who want to know - and that has helped them through some of the tougher parts of this illness. Perhaps you and your Mom can look at keeping your sister informed as a way of bolstering your own spirits.
Yes she sounds selfish and immature but I can understand her feelings of upset at feeling left out of the info loop. Just make an effort to keep her posted and then act as a buffer between her and your mom so she doesn't stress your mom out too much. And count your blessings--my sis didn't come to see my mom until it was too late for mom to know she was there, though we told her well before that time. She just didn't think it was important and said she didn't think it was that serious and then she showed up with her hand out when it was time to distribute the estate. It sounds like yours cares--she just failed to grow up but no need to worry about that now.
I took your advice and emailed her tonight. Her response was perfunctory. It's difficult not to resent her behavior. She has never taken much interest in mom, but she can't stand the idea of someone knowing something she doesn't. It's not the content of the information that interests her; it's just the idea of having it. When she does know what's happening, she doesn't call, email, or come by. Like I said, I'm just ranting. I'm really annoyed with her, but I'm eating it for mom's sake.
she may be scared that your mom is gonna die and leave things unsaid or "unfixed"..everyone acts differently when under stress..and regrets are just as bad as hatred, they sit and fester and maybe now she's feeling those bubble to the surface more..still, you can't fix her past with your mom...and your mom's too ill to even wonder about the past so let it be and if your sister is still getting on your last nerve, tell her so and tell her to stop or you'll no longer keep her updated, maybe a treath like that will wake her up...every family has stuff, old problems, old skeletons,..whatever you call them..
I took your advice and emailed her tonight. Her response was perfunctory. It's difficult not to resent her behavior. She has never taken much interest in mom, but she can't stand the idea of someone knowing something she doesn't. It's not the content of the information that interests her; it's just the idea of having it. When she does know what's happening, she doesn't call, email, or come by. Like I said, I'm just ranting. I'm really annoyed with her, but I'm eating it for mom's sake.
Thanks for being a sounding board.
Well... we'll be here for you to mouth off to... just try and be good for moms... that's the important part.
Keep us up to date if you can.. I know you got a lot on your plate.
I know where you're coming from... I dealt with my Mom's cancer a few yrs ago......
Super long rant about sister's behavior during mom's chemo
It sounds like you expect her to act a certain way and then gets upset when she doesn't. Your sister has been like this all her life, she's not going to change. She wants the information, give it to her. What she does with it is up to her.
Your Mom shouldn't be talking about your sis to you behind her back and showing you her emails, IMO. That just fosters problems between the two of you. I understand if she's too sick to communicate (but she can communicate with you?).
I don't know how large your mom's family and friends circle is but maybe setting up an account with Caring Bridge or something similar would help.
It would be one place for everyone to go for updates and messages.
I think it might cut down on how often you have to interact with your sister and hopefully this would decrease your stress caused by this relationship.
She's 50 years old. Time to get rid of the childhood animosity and baggage.
As for her pitching a fit about being kept out of the information loop, maybe if she cared enough to call more frequently, she'd know what was going on.
Now that my own hissy fit is out of the way (your post hit home with me because I've been through something like this with my own family), I like Mary Ann's suggestion about setting up a Caring Bridge account. It's unfortunate that your sister can't be bothered to actually talk to your mother, but at least this way, the information is there for her to get at her pretty little leisure. Although the time for her to grow up has come and gone, I'm also a realist and tend to think that if someone hasn't grown up by 50, they never will, so you might as well use a service like that. (Okay, maybe I'm still hissing.)
If she doesn't make any more use of that than she does a phone, then tough crapola. Your mother is battling for her own life. She shouldn't have to worry about making calls. You are the one who is actually there and you are doing so much already, so you shouldn't have to worry about making extra calls, either.
As for your sister's swipes at you, try to remember that some people live to pick fights and argue. Their true fight is within themselves, and hers probably centers on guilt, so don't take it personally. As my mother used to say, let it go in one ear and out the other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ
she may be scared that your mom is gonna die and leave things unsaid or "unfixed"..everyone acts differently when under stress..and regrets are just as bad as hatred, they sit and fester and maybe now she's feeling those bubble to the surface more..still, you can't fix her past with your mom...and your mom's too ill to even wonder about the past so let it be and if your sister is still getting on your last nerve, tell her so and tell her to stop or you'll no longer keep her updated, maybe a treath like that will wake her up...every family has stuff, old problems, old skeletons,..whatever you call them..
I think she's scared that the mom is going to pass and leave everything to the "good" child.
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just try and be good for moms... that's the important part.
Super long rant about sister's behavior during mom's chemo
