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I (25) have been with my boyfriend (29) for a year now. He's from a different country and we live in his country together. Because of the distance and scheduling problems my parents had never met my boyfriend, til Monday this week.
They arrived Monday and my bf and I picked them up at the airport,they were both staying at our apartment. The first day my mother behaved in a good way, she was happy and nice to my boyfriend. Already the second day it changed. For no reason the behavior of my mother changed and she didn't talk to anyone anymore, was permanently pissed and walked meters in front of us when we did the sightseeing with them. The second day they even met my boyfriend's mother and my mother was incredibly disrespectful and unfriendly to her. All she said to her was hello, then she didn't talk to her for the rest of the day, walking meters in front us us when sightseeing. Many times I tried to approach my mother, asked her what's wrong, talked a lot to her,nothing helped. She seemed to be totally pissed and during the day it got worse and worse. My bf mother invited my parents to lunch and(!) dinner that day, and she also drove them around in her car with my bf and me, paying the gas. My mother didn't even say thank you once, at dinner she didn't even finish her plate, just telling me how disgusting that food is and constantly complaining about everything. When my bf and I went home with my parents in the evening, she didn't even say goodbye to my bf mother, just left without any word and locked herself in the guest room of our apartment.
In the same night, it was about 10pm, she suddenly started screaming at my father like a crazy person. She even hit him. Then she screamed many times that she hates this country, that she doesn't want to be here and that he hates our apartment, that she wants to leave now and go back home or take at least a hotel. Of course my boyfriend heard everything too, it was awful. Again I tried to talk to her, but she just locked herself in her room, telling that she hates everything like a little kid.
For the rest of their stay here it didn't get better. My mother stopped talking to my boyfriend completly, she ignored him totally. Also to my father and me she barely talked. Her face looked constantly pissed and angry, and once she started crying in the subway when we went sightseeing, but of course she didn't want to talk again, instead got really angry again 2 minutes later and started complaining again and how much she hates everything. When we walked up a mountain (one of the sightseeing places here) she even ran away from us, saying she cannot breathe and hates everything, saying nobody here is nice to her (which was more than untrue). In the end she followed us because she couldn't stay there alone. My boyfriend invited my parents twice for dinner again (my parents almost didn't pay anything the whole stay here), my mother totally ignored that, just said (again) that she hates this food and didn't even say thank you once to my bf. Every evening she went to bed without saying good night. Another day my boyfriend's parents invited us all for lunch at their home, so my parents could meet my bf father too- My mother behaved extremly crazy that day and said she doesn't want to, so I even had to tell my bf parents that we're not coming.
My boyfriend and I took one week of holiday from work just to have time with my parents and show them around. I just cannot believe how childish, embarrassing and disrespectful my mother behaved the whole stay here. My father was totally fine by the way, always nice and friendly. He's a very shy and weak man though who doesn't know how to handle my mother. So he just let's her behave however she wants
without saying anything.
I also have to add that my mother has always been some kind of a crazy person. When I was a child she used to hit me or even kick me until I lay on the floor without any reason (for example when I made something dirty or when I didn't wanna finish lunch) or sometimes she left our house for 2 days saying that she'll never come back. Once she even dragged me in a forest (I was 6) and told me she was going to kill me now. She always had big mental problems, always refused though to see a shrink. She's a borderliner- She can be your worst nightmare, but also the nicest mom in the world. In her good and happy times she is absolutely sweet and fun to be around with, but that can change really quickly. I was just not thinking that she couldn't even behave for 5 days staying at our place. We did everything for them, they stayed at our place, we paid all their food (except of once when they paid dinner), all their drinks, all the sightseeing places, all the gas, took holiday to show them around, made breakfast every morning etc etc etc....
This morning we brought my parents back to the airport. My mother doesn't see how she did anything wrong. My boyfriend obviously doesn't like my mother and even seems to be a bit scared that I could get as crazy as her in the future. Now I just don't know how to behave to my mother. I forgave her for all the things she put me through in my childhood, but she never seems to change. She showed an unbelievable behavior here, embarrassing me and showing absolutely no respect to my boyfriend and his family. I cannot just pretend nothing happened.
What would you do in my shoes? I really need an honest advice. Thank you!
Why your father is still married to such an abuser is beyond me. The woman belongs in jail.
In your shoes, I would have as little contact and communication with her as possible, and would instead focus on figuring out how to help my father get rid of her--before she kills him.
My father was raised in an abusive family himself, so I think he doesn't know any better. And he (thinks he) loves her a lot. He would never break up with her.
I just cannot hate her. If she was always like that I wouldn't have any problem hating her. But she can be so sweet, caring and nice if she wants to. But the behavior she just showed her, embarrassing me and showing so much disrespect to my bf and his family.. I'm really thinking about consequences.
Get together with your boyfriend and his parents. Apologize for your mother's behavior and explain that she's always been like this and give the examples you've given us above. They will absolutely understand. Your b/f's mother, if anything, will probably be more nurturing and loving to you since you never seemed to consistently get this from your mother
In the meantime, you should just sever ties with your parents. Write your father a letter (NOT an email) and enclose info on abuse and abusive relationships.
...This morning we brought my parents back to the airport. My mother doesn't see how she did anything wrong. My boyfriend obviously doesn't like my mother and even seems to be a bit scared that I could get as crazy as her in the future. Now I just don't know how to behave to my mother. I forgave her for all the things she put me through in my childhood, but she never seems to change. She showed an unbelievable behavior here, embarrassing me and showing absolutely no respect to my boyfriend and his family. I cannot just pretend nothing happened.
What would you do in my shoes? I really need an honest advice. Thank you!
As you surely see, you mother behaved in an abominable and totally unforgivable way. If she and your father have allowed her viscious behavior to go on for years, then she is probably totally without hope of ever being a civilized, decent human being.
If I were your boyfriend I would undoubtedly be shocked and very angry, and struggling to put this in perspective without dumping on you. It would probably require an enormous amount of cool...mainly because, IMO, you should have told your parents to remove themselves to a hotel. Your mother used his home (and yours), his time, and his parents as if they were toilet paper. She behaved swinishly. She was foul. Consider yourself fortunate that after your mother's abusive conduct, even to his mother, that he did not slap the witch in the face - which is exactly what she deserved - and throw her and her baggage onto the street physically.
This man is a boyfriend of one year. Do you expect this to be a longterm/life time relationship? If the answer is yes; then essentially you will need to throw the b*tch overboard. In no way, can you ever bring this obscene harridan back into your life as a couple. Not for one day. If you do, you have no respect for this man. I don't know how you can repair the damage, nor keep him from wondering if you are going to be cut from the same bolt of cloth.
If you are intending a serious relationship with this man, you need to apologize profoundly and to his mother as well. Then to best of your ability resume your life as it was - hopefully a relatively smooth one - and to quietly and firmly move beyong this by reestablishing the former status quo.
A life with this man cannot include your mother. And you would be wise to minimize any contact with her while he is in the apartment, and to keep her entirely out of your conversation.
You will be spend the rest of your life with a spouse. You have already spent too much time with that creature. Tell your father to schedule her for a long series of electro-shock treatments., and not to be in touch until they are successfully completed. Your parents are the Titanic and the bow is barely above water, how much time is left do you think to save your own ass?
I'm from Europe, my family lives in Europe and I live with my boyfriend in Canada.
She hates that I'm living so far from her and I understand, but that doesn't justify that behavior.
Even before when I just lived 500km from her she's always been trying to make me feel bad about moving away- Constantly saying that this is a bad decision and how bad and lonely she feels without me.
And my boyfriend is nothing but the sweetest and most caring person about me- It's very obvious. She has no reason to not like him. And this behavior was just incredible. She has a lot of friends where she lives and I'm sure her own family are the only people with who she shows THAT behavior.
Did you explain to your boyfriend and his family that your mother has mental problems? I mean, they probably already suspect that, but it might be helpful if you have an honest discussion with them about it.
I'm not sure I understand why you appear to be shocked and upset at her behavior if she has always been like this. Were you expecting her to behave differently? Why?
Yes, I get that sometimes she's nice and sweet and yada yada yada, but she's also been psycho before, and so you surely anticipated that this could be the case when she visited and maybe even have tipped off your boyfriend and his family that they might meet your mother in one of her off periods.
Why was the borderline bit a footnote? You already know why she acts like this. She needs help. Get her help. There's a point beyond which she can refuse it, and she very clearly needs to be medicated.
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