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If your mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, or if you think this is a likely issue, please get ahold of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and read, read, read it. It will help you learn how put good boundaries in place, understand what triggers her and typical thought patterns of people with BPD, and help you calm or avoid tricky situations.
Actually, I am very glad you literally have boundaries - national boundaries, plus the Atlantic Ocean - in place. Your mother's issues may include BPD, but they sound as if they go considerably beyond it, with all the violence and threats of violence.
I agree that you would do well to meet with your boyfriend's family and apologize - tell them your mother is mentally/emotionally unstable and is subject to mood swings and irrational behavior. Actually, it sounds as if she is bipolar to me, plus probably has something else - such as BPD - going on, or perhaps a mix of the two (I am not a doctor or psychologist, but have family members and acquaintances with both BP and BPD).
Your father would also benefit by reading "SWOE", and would do well to get counseling to help him cope with your mother's illness and resulting insufferable behavior. It is miserable to have to live with someone with uncontrolled BP and/or BPD, and can be dangerous as well.
It also occurred to me to ask if your mother is older, and perhaps subject to repeated urinary tract infections. These are notorious for causing radical personality and mental changes, which are swiftly reversed when the infection is eliminated. With a long transatlantic flight, perhaps other surface travel, and jet lag, she might well have been at risk for such, though with her history, it's a long shot. Still, worth looking into - given her underlying issues, a UTI would certainly exacerbate her behavior.
I think I would have dropped them off at the airport after day 2...without a word to her. The only good news for you is that she lives so far away. And hopefully she won't be wanting to visit again any time soon.
I like Craig Creek's advice the best of any you have received so far. How can anyone not love visiting Canada? Its a mystery.
IMO, your mom acts the way she does because she gets away with it. I would seek counselling about this, but I'm inclined to think that you need to write a letter that enumerates each of her horrible actions and asks for an apology to your BF's family. You should tell her that you are mortified for her. If she does not apologize, and seek treatment, then you have to sever close ties, if you expect to have a life of sanity.
I do a lot of posting on the caregivers' site, and it is common to hear of horror stories of all sorts of abuse that caregivers are coping with years and years after they have become adults. I imagine that your BF not only worries about your sanity, but about having to deal with your mom ever. You owe it to him to demonstrate that you are willing to put him first, IMO.
My father was raised in an abusive family himself, so I think he doesn't know any better. And he (thinks he) loves her a lot. He would never break up with her.
I just cannot hate her. If she was always like that I wouldn't have any problem hating her. But she can be so sweet, caring and nice if she wants to. But the behavior she just showed her, embarrassing me and showing so much disrespect to my bf and his family.. I'm really thinking about consequences.
Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but YOU were raised in an abusive family and don't know any better.
OF COURSE your mother can be nice and sweet - that's how abusers keep their victims around. If abusers were horrible all the time, they would never have any victims because everyone would stay away from them and they would probably end up in jail. But guess what! You're about to slip from her clutches more completely than ever before because you have found someone else to be your family. So she's going to act like a crazy person to make sure that doesn't happen. She's going to do everything she can to sabotage your happiness.
If you want to get free of the dysfunction and build something safe and reasonable with your boyfriend AND break a multi-generation cycle, you're going to have to set limits with your mother and keep her at a distance. When she acts like a psycho, you need to sever contact - walk away and don't look back or hang up the phone.
Please see a therapist. Because this crazy ***** is going to keep you under her thumb if you don't have someone help guide you out from under it. It is really really hard to break patterns you have had etched into your psyche from childhood, but it CAN be done. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Please don't let your mother tank that for you.
I don't agree with anyone advising you to sever ties with your mom
Perhaps,as moms will sometimes do, she didn't really envision you sharing bedroom quarters with a man. She knew it, but had not witnessed it as the truth. Perhaps she heard you and bf having sex?? Whatever caused her to be pissed off-it's a shame her behavior became such as it did. But please know that if she has mental issues that is not something she wants. No one wants to be mentally unstable. You don't dump someone because of that. You DO try your best to get them the help they need. Your dad should be working on making sure that gets done pronto.
Please be patient with your mom. Please.
I don't agree with anyone advising you to sever ties with your mom
Perhaps,as moms will sometimes do, she didn't really envision you sharing bedroom quarters with a man. She knew it, but had not witnessed it as the truth. Perhaps she heard you and bf having sex?? Whatever caused her to be pissed off-it's a shame her behavior became such as it did. But please know that if she has mental issues that is not something she wants. No one wants to be mentally unstable. You don't dump someone because of that. You DO try your best to get them the help they need. Your dad should be working on making sure that gets done pronto.
Please be patient with your mom. Please.
Her mother is an abuser who has not made any efforts to get help. The OP has no obligation to her. Why are you encouraging an abuse victim to maintain a relationship with her abuser? That's insane.
The OP's mother might need help, but she should get it from someone who isn't her victim. In fact, when the victims stay, the abusers have no motivation to get help. Severing ties might induce her mother to make some changes.
Let your boyfriend know that he will never have to deal with your mother again. You will not invite her back. If you still want to maintain some sort of relationship with your mother, go visit your parents alone.
Her mother is an abuser who has not made any efforts to get help. The OP has no obligation to her. Why are you encouraging an abuse victim to maintain a relationship with her abuser? That's insane.
The OP's mother might need help, but she should get it from someone who isn't her victim. In fact, when the victims stay, the abusers have no motivation to get help. Severing ties might induce her mother to make some changes.
why are you talking abusively about an obviously disturbed individual? Do you think mentally ill persons KNOW they need help? Not always. Not usually. Instead of tossing such persons aside and being hurtful to them-why not give your heart and help to them?
I (25) have been with my boyfriend (29) for a year now. He's from a different country and we live in his country together. Because of the distance and scheduling problems my parents had never met my boyfriend, til Monday this week.
They arrived Monday and my bf and I picked them up at the airport,they were both staying at our apartment. The first day my mother behaved in a good way, she was happy and nice to my boyfriend. Already the second day it changed. For no reason the behavior of my mother changed and she didn't talk to anyone anymore, was permanently pissed and walked meters in front of us when we did the sightseeing with them. The second day they even met my boyfriend's mother and my mother was incredibly disrespectful and unfriendly to her. All she said to her was hello, then she didn't talk to her for the rest of the day, walking meters in front us us when sightseeing. Many times I tried to approach my mother, asked her what's wrong, talked a lot to her,nothing helped. She seemed to be totally pissed and during the day it got worse and worse. My bf mother invited my parents to lunch and(!) dinner that day, and she also drove them around in her car with my bf and me, paying the gas. My mother didn't even say thank you once, at dinner she didn't even finish her plate, just telling me how disgusting that food is and constantly complaining about everything. When my bf and I went home with my parents in the evening, she didn't even say goodbye to my bf mother, just left without any word and locked herself in the guest room of our apartment.
In the same night, it was about 10pm, she suddenly started screaming at my father like a crazy person. She even hit him. Then she screamed many times that she hates this country, that she doesn't want to be here and that he hates our apartment, that she wants to leave now and go back home or take at least a hotel. Of course my boyfriend heard everything too, it was awful. Again I tried to talk to her, but she just locked herself in her room, telling that she hates everything like a little kid.
For the rest of their stay here it didn't get better. My mother stopped talking to my boyfriend completly, she ignored him totally. Also to my father and me she barely talked. Her face looked constantly pissed and angry, and once she started crying in the subway when we went sightseeing, but of course she didn't want to talk again, instead got really angry again 2 minutes later and started complaining again and how much she hates everything. When we walked up a mountain (one of the sightseeing places here) she even ran away from us, saying she cannot breathe and hates everything, saying nobody here is nice to her (which was more than untrue). In the end she followed us because she couldn't stay there alone. My boyfriend invited my parents twice for dinner again (my parents almost didn't pay anything the whole stay here), my mother totally ignored that, just said (again) that she hates this food and didn't even say thank you once to my bf. Every evening she went to bed without saying good night. Another day my boyfriend's parents invited us all for lunch at their home, so my parents could meet my bf father too- My mother behaved extremly crazy that day and said she doesn't want to, so I even had to tell my bf parents that we're not coming.
My boyfriend and I took one week of holiday from work just to have time with my parents and show them around. I just cannot believe how childish, embarrassing and disrespectful my mother behaved the whole stay here. My father was totally fine by the way, always nice and friendly. He's a very shy and weak man though who doesn't know how to handle my mother. So he just let's her behave however she wants
without saying anything.
I also have to add that my mother has always been some kind of a crazy person. When I was a child she used to hit me or even kick me until I lay on the floor without any reason (for example when I made something dirty or when I didn't wanna finish lunch) or sometimes she left our house for 2 days saying that she'll never come back. Once she even dragged me in a forest (I was 6) and told me she was going to kill me now. She always had big mental problems, always refused though to see a shrink. She's a borderliner- She can be your worst nightmare, but also the nicest mom in the world. In her good and happy times she is absolutely sweet and fun to be around with, but that can change really quickly. I was just not thinking that she couldn't even behave for 5 days staying at our place. We did everything for them, they stayed at our place, we paid all their food (except of once when they paid dinner), all their drinks, all the sightseeing places, all the gas, took holiday to show them around, made breakfast every morning etc etc etc....
This morning we brought my parents back to the airport. My mother doesn't see how she did anything wrong. My boyfriend obviously doesn't like my mother and even seems to be a bit scared that I could get as crazy as her in the future. Now I just don't know how to behave to my mother. I forgave her for all the things she put me through in my childhood, but she never seems to change. She showed an unbelievable behavior here, embarrassing me and showing absolutely no respect to my boyfriend and his family. I cannot just pretend nothing happened.
What would you do in my shoes? I really need an honest advice. Thank you!
If this is the case, and you knew she was crazy, WHY DID YOU BRING HER THEN??
Beyond that, I thought my mom was the only mom like that, ours were similiar, I would get anywhere from 10-50 lashes with a belt for stuff I did wrong and I was constantly threatened. I am glad that you made it out in one piece because I would think that being in an environment like that would be damaging to a child's well-being. I can't say that I remain unscarred, but I got out in time and for a brief while, knew the love of a mother figure. My sister did not, and if you see my other post, you can tell that it's just the same cycle that is repeating. I am sorry to hear that you went through a situation worse than what I did, because no one should ever have to go through what we went through. I would sever all ties which is what I have recently done. Good luck!
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