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When I was in college, my roommate used to leave me notes about things all the time. When I got my first job, I moved in with this other roommate and she used to approach me one on one when I would get home about stuff. I liked the notes better as their is no opportunity for direct conflict as opposed to a face to face conversation. Roommate situations aren't the ideal living situations and you have to respect that you live with someone else and abide by their reasonable requests.
I bring this up because my GF's mother finally pulled the last straw on Sunday (some of you have surely seen my other posts). I was so angry, I left her a note while she was at church and left the house. My GF was at work. I haven't complained to the mom about anything up until this point, but I wasn't letting this go. I told my GF about the note and she says I should have approached her in person. I didn't want to talk to her in person because I was just so angry, still am when I think about it. I am just sick of the "she doesn't know better" or "she doesn't do it out of disrespect she just doesn't know" excuses. My GF said that in person would have portrayed a lighter tone as she seemed to have felt really bad about the situation after getting the note. Well, in all honesty, I did want her to feel a little bad and I didn't want to portray a lighter tone. I don't push on very many issues, but this one was just too much. I understand based on what my GF has said that the mom is a bit traumatized from her previous living arrangements that have nothing to do with me and that she's going to feel uncomfortable in the house now. I personally have had it, after tolerating her disrespectiveness (whether she knows it or not) for 8 months and never saying anything.
Maybe I was a bit offbase because I was so angry? I just know that going forward, I'm not going to be any less angry when situations arise and I really don't know how to appropriately handle it. I physically can't come to her with a smile and say "could you please not make so much noise at 6am," when I really want to, with a straight face, say "if you wake me up with your pots and pans at 6am on a Sunday again, you will need to find a new place to live that day!"
Whether the note worked or not, it was probably the best option. I know when I have conflict with balancing "what I want to say" with "how tactful I should be", a note often expresses precisely what I mean. That's me. It doesn't always happen but when I'm in a "last straw" situation, that's a better way to go.
I'm with you on this one...not so much your girlfriend. I do believe you've given this woman every chance to learn to act like an adult in a communal living arrangement. Her excuses mean nothing if she never learns to be respectful. Her feelings mean nothing if she never learns to respect others. Her boo-hooing means nothing if she never learns to care for herself and take responsibility.
I don't know how you're going to make it to December but honestly, I don't know why you're waiting. Her actions would TELL me what I need to know: she will ride the ship till it sinks. She will continue to do as she pleases because she doesn't think it's important. Example: you tell her to be mindful of the noise when you're home and she continues to make noise at gawd-awful hours. She KNOWS this is in contrast to your wishes and she still does it. Know why? It's her ONLY power against you. And she knows she can play her daughter against you. It's her only power, I'm tellin' ya!
It's time for her to go. You are no longer responsible for this 62 year old. If your GF decides this is unreasonable, perhaps she could look at it like "if mom doesn't leave, I'm jeopardizing my own relationship". Sorry, Kate...this blows!
Thanks ShellNic. I did also have a discussion with my GF that she needs to stop defending her so much and realize that as much as her mom doesn't want to be a "bother," she is. You don't need someone to tell you that cooking smelly food at 6am on a Sunday is inappropriate and it bothers people. I haven't actually said anything to her "directly" about the noise (as in "dont' turn the TV up so loud you can hear it all over the house and it bothers", but we have asked her to turn it down and/or close her door...sometimes she does it sometimes not. That's why I felt a note was more direct - it makes that much more of a big deal than me coming over and saying "hey, don't cook so early, ok thanks!"
December is when the lease is done and when she'll have some working capital to afford something on her own. In the past, I've either only complained to my GF or had my GF go over and tell her something, because I was being mindful of her feelings and coming from my GF would have been easier for her to take. This is the first time it is coming directly from me. The next time it will come directly from me also because I'm done tolerating this crap.
So going forward, I want to make sure I do it the right way. I feel like putting a note on the steering wheel the next time she borrows it "gas is $0.15 per mile, insurance is $2 per day and car payment is $11.50 per day, please reimburse accordingly." But in all seriousness, I feel that I've been too nice and too tolerating without saying anything and now I want to say something.
For example, I spent my Sunday a few weeks ago completely cleaning up the refridgerator. I took out all the shelves, washed them, threw out all the bad food, organized everything etc. Two weeks later, there is a huge stain from something she'd left in the fridge. I guess maybe I avoid conflict, because I really don't know how to handle that. I feel that if I tell her something about it, then she can come back and complain about the dish I left in the sink last week, so then I'm like "whatever."
You: Please make sure your food is removed from the fridge before it rots.
Her: But you left a dish in the sink last week.
You: We're not discussing me. We're discussing you. I would like you to be mindful of the mess left in the refridgerator.
Her: But, but....wimper, wimper?...
You: In order to have harmony in this house, you need to be reminded that we have rules. Here are the things I feel you've forgotten.
Look, I know you hate conflict but I don't look at it as a negative thing. Oh, if you were to call her names, then yea, but you're not going to do that. She deflects all the things you say and dismisses them wholeheartedly. Sorry to say, but she's messing with you. Maybe it's not intentional, but the fact that it's ongoing tells me this tactic has worked before, she WILL continue to use it.
I have found, over and over again, that when someone does things exactly the way the want to do it, without regard for any other person's opinion or wish, that means it's not that important to them. They don't think it's important, therefore, they continue their same action, you get mad, they still think you're being ridiculous and will continue with the same ol' program. And by you telling her, in all these examples you've given, her response is "I didn't know" or "oops, sorry". It's never "I will not stink up the house with my cooking" or "I will not use the A/C so that the bill goes through the roof" or "I WILL put gas in your car when I run it low".
She has no intention of following the common sense rules...even after being told. And the thing that gets me is, by allowing your GF to run interference, I'm beginning to think she "softens" the blow so much that the message is ineffective. NO ONE thinks your message is important enough. Don't let the fear of conflict prevent you from strongly saying "hey, it bothers me greatly when you do this...this is why...and I'd like you to discontinue this action." You haven't hurt anyone's feelings but you are making yours known to the entire household.
If they don't like it, guess what? That's right, there are options for them, too. See how they like it when they **** off the MAJOR wage earner. And I'm not one to lord that over anyone, but a little respect for the gal who pays all the bills??? Is that really too much to ask???
You: Please make sure your food is removed from the fridge before it rots.
Her: But you left a dish in the sink last week.
You: We're not discussing me. We're discussing you. I would like you to be mindful of the mess left in the refridgerator.
Her: But, but....wimper, wimper?...
You: In order to have harmony in this house, you need to be reminded that we have rules. Here are the things I feel you've forgotten.
Look, I know you hate conflict but I don't look at it as a negative thing. Oh, if you were to call her names, then yea, but you're not going to do that. She deflects all the things you say and dismisses them wholeheartedly. Sorry to say, but she's messing with you. Maybe it's not intentional, but the fact that it's ongoing tells me this tactic has worked before, she WILL continue to use it.
I have found, over and over again, that when someone does things exactly the way the want to do it, without regard for any other person's opinion or wish, that means it's not that important to them. They don't think it's important, therefore, they continue their same action, you get mad, they still think you're being ridiculous and will continue with the same ol' program. And by you telling her, in all these examples you've given, her response is "I didn't know" or "oops, sorry". It's never "I will not stink up the house with my cooking" or "I will not use the A/C so that the bill goes through the roof" or "I WILL put gas in your car when I run it low".
She has no intention of following the common sense rules...even after being told. And the thing that gets me is, by allowing your GF to run interference, I'm beginning to think she "softens" the blow so much that the message is ineffective. NO ONE thinks your message is important enough. Don't let the fear of conflict prevent you from strongly saying "hey, it bothers me greatly when you do this...this is why...and I'd like you to discontinue this action." You haven't hurt anyone's feelings but you are making yours known to the entire household.
If they don't like it, guess what? That's right, there are options for them, too. See how they like it when they **** off the MAJOR wage earner. And I'm not one to lord that over anyone, but a little respect for the gal who pays all the bills??? Is that really too much to ask???
Wow your post is spot on. Yes, I think my GF softens the blow too much which makes the message ineffective which is why I decided it was time for me to speak up on Sunday. When I complained about the cooking noise on Sunday, she said "well the neighbors make more noise at all hours!" I was like, what the hell does it matter what the neighbors do, I'm talking about you.
I hate myself for all this too, because I should have spoken up earlier, but I gave her benefit of the doubt and honestly didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or unwanted - which is how she was made to feel at her last two residences. But now I see why...it's crystal clear!
Girl, you been putting up with this crap for awile now......
looks to me like you been kicked to the bottom of the pecking order.....get out
You're right! They already went to look at apartments last week and she'll be putting a deposit down to reserve and apartment for December/January and I'm forcing the issue. My GF has an interview tomorrow for an awesome job, I'm sitting here hoping and praying she gets it...then no more uncertainty, December 17th, I'm going to have another lease signed at another place.
Yelling, "WTF!" usually works for me. I'm kidding and thankfully live alone.
Is it possible to call a house meeting? I know this sounds cheesy put have an egg timer and the person with the timer gets to speak, uninterrupted until it runs out. Keep your cool, breathe deeply, and lay down the issues...calmly. As much as you want to wring the mother's neck, I don't recommend that because that could be messy.
Your home should be a happy place to come home to; not one where you dread it thinking, I wonder what kind of loveliness awaits me when I open that door.
What would be the consensus on what to bring up and what to leave alone? I told my GF that I pick my battles because I don't want to constantly be complaining because then she'll be like "here she goes again, whatever."
I have the refridgerator problem; when she washes dishes she doesn't manage to wash off all the food particles and leaves them oily so I have to rewash things if I want to use them; the car/gas issue; the TV noise issue; the cooking in the AM (which I hope has now been resolved). I just feel like I can't bring up everything, so why bother. Or I can leave notes on everything which is tempting. I had a roommate that had a problem with everything I did and constantly told me about it...I have her two weeks notice that I'm moving out because I couldn't take her anymore.
I'm wondering if anyone out there has had a roommate that just didn't get it (was never taught respectable behavior) and what they did about it. I know one thing that I have to do is be direct, because my GF sugarcoats everything and doesn't really give her the real rason for something. What do you pursue and what do you leave alone? What's worth it and what's not?
For example, I really just don't want her using my car anymore. So, when my GF works nights (and takes her car), I work late and come home after the mom goes to church so she has to find a ride. On the weekends I started to take my GF to work, so the mom can have her car to do whatever she needs. Should I be telling her the reason she's not using my car anymore, or leave the passive aggressive way I've been dealing with it? I now she has limited funds, but she could ask to borrow the car and tell me she has no $$ in which case I would let her...but being sneaky about it is annoying.
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I'm kidding and thankfully live alone.
which is tempting. I had a roommate that had a problem with everything I did and constantly told me about it...I have her two weeks notice that I'm moving out because I couldn't take her anymore.
