How do you deal with a lazy daughter-in-law? (children, statistics, senior)
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Thanks for all the response, this is what I was after and will take everything into consideration. I'm not about to say a word to her as I know it would upset them both, and, as you pointed out so well, it is their marriage and he knew what he was getting when he married her. It is none of my business and I need to tell myself this every time the negative thoughts flair up. And repent of being judgmental. I can see it now. We really enjoy taking care of the baby, who is 3 years now. The strange thing about DIL is she doesn't come on like she's depressed at all, just the opposite. She gives off an aire of arrogance, really. She's a hard one to figure out or get close to. I am happy she has been so sharing with the baby, she doesn't mind at all anytime I want to spend time with him and have him over for the afternoon. So that's a good thing about her. And I'm thankful that she is willing to work.
My nosy mother-in-law was a major factor in the collapse of my marriage, and she basically shot herself in the foot trying to get rid of me as my ex is barely on speaking terms with her anymore. They were once close. So...be careful.
Thanks for all the response, this is what I was after and will take everything into consideration. I'm not about to say a word to her as I know it would upset them both, and, as you pointed out so well, it is their marriage and he knew what he was getting when he married her. It is none of my business and I need to tell myself this every time the negative thoughts flair up. And repent of being judgmental. I can see it now. We really enjoy taking care of the baby, who is 3 years now. The strange thing about DIL is she doesn't come on like she's depressed at all, just the opposite. She gives off an aire of arrogance, really. She's a hard one to figure out or get close to. I am happy she has been so sharing with the baby, she doesn't mind at all anytime I want to spend time with him and have him over for the afternoon. So that's a good thing about her. And I'm thankful that she is willing to work.
askme,
Sounds like you are handling it well. It's wonderful to hear you talk about the baby. I can tell you love that child. I know it must be hard with the daughter in law, but as Randy Pausch said recently in his last lecture (he is dying of cancer): "People will show you their good side. You just need to give them enough time."
Also, just so you know, my happiest childhood memories are those spent with my grandmother (father's side). She meant the world to me. My mother was quick to hit me and call me stupid, but I always knew my grandmother loved me. We had a close and special relationship, although my mother was even jealous at times. I can remember visiting my grandmother and when my mother came to get me, I did not want to leave. My mother pulled me away by my hair. I could see the pain in my grandmother's face as she watched. My childhood was terrible, but I did have one person who loved me.
I know how hard it is for you, but try to find something good about your daughter in law, and keep pushing the negative thoughts out of your mind.
Sounds like your son will run himself into the ground within just a few years working that much and coming home and helping around the house as much as you make it sound.
Best Idea I have:
Since you are his father, take him out golfing or whatever the two of you can do together. Talk to him. Get his opinion. Give him your opinion, but dont judge her, especially not to him.
Is your wife/mother of your son in the picture? If so, what is her opinion?
Sounds to me that she is depressed. It very well could have started with post partum, then grew about other things, her weight for one. Raising a baby is hard, especially if they are bad with teething, have ear infections, can't get to sleep or stay asleep. Some can't entertain themselves and need to be with a parent all of the time. With your 1st child it is a wake up call. Playing house, being the mom, having all of these responsabilities. Not for everyone.
I do have to say that people can easily be deceived. Just because he is your son, do you really know him? I know mothers that think their son is a god, handsom, great father, great husband. In reality he's not.
As JerZ said, some men "think" they help. I know of a gy that swore he helped his wife cook, clean & do dishes... problem was it was only a few times a year. Unless you are living there 24/7 and know things are really one sided, how do you really know? I also know people that are very sweet but have a really short & mean temper. People would never believe it unless they witnessed it.
Hopefully this couple will get back on track if they are off track. Perhaps some marriage counseling will help?
You say the house is cluttered but not really so bad, and that they do a good job cleaning it when they have company. They do things together and are happy.
And your problem is what again? Hell, no matter what this girl does or doesn't do, I think you're the type to find fault with her no matter what.
Unless the situation is dangerous and/or unhealthy for the child, mind your own freakin' business and stop trying to control other people's lives.
I have to agree with JerZ. Unless it is so bad that the baby is endangered in some way, I say they are grown-ups and it is their own business. You did say your son seems happy with his wife, they do things together etc.? If that's the case, I would just let it be their problem.
She does get up and go to work, but on weekends sleeps in and the rest of the day just sits and watches TV. She's over 350 pounds. The dirty clothes and dishes are piling up, things are scattered everywhere and it's tough just to find a empty space to walk. My son told us that they each have their things they do around the house. Her's is doing the laundry, but I've noticed that they end up making a trip to the laundromat to do them because she's let them pile up for so long. I know this because they call and ask if we wanna take care of the grandbaby while they are at the laundromat.
We usually stay outside when we have to go over to their place, don't like seeing them live in that messy house. It is upsetting. My son was not raised this way.
The grandbaby...that's another thing. Momma will sleep in late on the weekends and my son takes care of baby when baby wakes up early. And he is the one getting up with him at night to feed him because she won't do it and very seldom changes a diaper. My son and her argue about who's turn it is, but she always seems to win out. I know my son is just trying to keep peace, but I hate to see what's happening and have not tried to discuss it with him. I want to keep peace as well. He's a hard worker and always on the go, right now building on to their house in his spare time. I realize I cannot control their lives, we all have our lives to live. But I just don't like what I see.
Does anyone else have such trouble with a lazy daughter-in-law? We try to overlook it, sometimes it's harder than other times. And we pray alot. But so far there has been no breakthrough.
Any other suggestions?
40% of american households 55+ have a minor in the house.
means 40% are raising their grandbabies.
whats a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
kick em out.
ps put on a large boot, this sounds like it will take a good kick. get a running start.
stephen s
san diego ca
Your son told you "they each have their things they do around the house." And you say the laundry is one of her things, what are some of his things? Is he unhappy? If not, the best thing out can do is stay out of it. If you become the enemy of your daughter-in-law, your son will NOT take your side, as hard as that may be to believe.
I agree with fuzzymystic... Stay out of it. If you get involved it will only make for bad blood. Your son is the one that needs to put his foot down, so if he isn't saying something then he must not mind living in it. If he gets tired of it he will do something about it.
Invite the kids to your house for your visits. Also something medical could be wrong... low thyroid... ADD... low blood... ya never know!
Don't loose your son and your grandkids... as much as you hate it, stay out of it. "Been there... done that! Don't want to do it again..."
40% of american households 55+ have a minor in the house.
means 40% are raising their grandbabies.
whats a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
kick em out.
ps put on a large boot, this sounds like it will take a good kick. get a running start.
stephen s
san diego ca
Sigh...
Stephen. The op said that when she *goes to* their house she won't go inside. Obviously, they don't live with her.
In order to have a minor child in the house--17 or younger--you would only have to have been age 38 when you had your last baby in order to be the parent (and not the grandparent) of a minor child in the house at the age of 55.. Many, many people have babies at 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43...no, this statistic does not mean that 40% of people have grandchildren living in the house.
Last edited by JerZ; 10-05-2007 at 08:07 PM..
Reason: Never mind.
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