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Invite your aunt to have lunch with you out at a restaurant. You can go, have a conversation with her without your cousins' negative vibes, and when the check comes, you can all go home. Two hours, and you're done. If you find you get along better with her and conversation is more animated, then you can get together and do things that are a little more flexible time-wise, like some of the things others have suggested here.
Perhaps you have to try to do different things than "just sit around the house making conversation". Take her out to dinner, play cards or a table game, go to a play, concert or sporting event together or something else. Ask her to show you how to make Grandma's famous chocolate cake or some recipe from her (and your mom's) childhood. Help out with her favorite charity, look at old photo albums together, knit stocking caps for the homeless, help her weed her flower garder, there are dozens and dozens of possibilities.
THIS.
Germaine is right - your aunt wants to see you because you are a connection to her sister. Frankly, your post sounds incredibly cold. I'm not surprised your cousins are hostile towards you.
If she's not the best at conversation, plan an activity. Take her out somewhere - to the zoo, shopping, out for a meal, whatever. Ask her for stories about her and your mother growing up. It doesn't matter what, and it doesn't have to cost anything, but just DO something other than sit there expecting her to carry the conversation.
You don't have to go for holidays, but it would be nice to spend time with her now and then.
My sister and I have tried suggesting games, pictures, trips and other activities that will take the pressure off everyone. These are rejected by my cousins and Aunt. They just want to sit and talk, but there is no conversation just forced small talk and people putting in their time. My Aunt does not want to get together with us alone with my cousins, she insists they participate. But getting together with just her would be just as painful.
But she keeps asking why we don't come by that often anymore.
It may be her way of saying she misses you. My dad's side of the family is very affectionate. There are lots of "I love yous & miss yous" in phone conversations, emails, Facebook posts & PMs. Their way of saying they'd like to get together is to say "it's been to long, we need to get together". My mom's side can be affectionate in person, but with the exception of a few relatives, they don't express it in other ways. So they'll say, "we haven't seen you in awhile", etc. Or when I go to leave a family gathering because I have work the next day, I get "you don't have to go now, do you?" Which I think may be their way of saying they love me/miss me.
I don't think it's an ethnic/cultural thing as they're both more or less the same ethnic mix (Irish & Scottish with some variations here & there on each side). I think it's more the individual families. Though my dad's side has married outside our ethnic groups more often, mostly Italian and Puerto Rican. So maybe that's been an influence.
Would you be willing to invite aunts/cousins over? Would they be willing to come? You can also invite some friends/neighbors to the mix to make it less awkward.
My sister and I have tried suggesting games, pictures, trips and other activities that will take the pressure off everyone. These are rejected by my cousins and Aunt. They just want to sit and talk, but there is no conversation just forced small talk and people putting in their time. My Aunt does not want to get together with us alone with my cousins, she insists they participate. But getting together with just her would be just as painful.
But she keeps asking why we don't come by that often anymore.
What the XXX is wrong with honesty!
If you offer alternatives, and they refuse all of them, then there's no reason why you should have to go. If you've honestly tried everything else and if she's still insisting on just sitting at her house, then no, I don't think you should be guilted into going. If she keeps pushing the issue, then maybe it would be worth mentioning that you don't feel welcomed by or comfortable with your cousins, and that you'd rather do an activity with her outside of the house, or have her over for a meal.
It sounds like she's lacking in some social skills. Family or not, you don't dictate that someone always come to your house, sit and do nothing, and force other people on them as well. Invitations need to be reciprocated, and your guests made to feel comfortable and welcome, no matter who they are.
Now that Mom is dead and buried for some reasonher sister still wants to stay in touch because we are family.
What do you mean "for some reason?" It is probably for the very best reason at all, your aunt loves you and wants to spend time with you. My mother passed away over 20 years ago and my siblings and their families and my family and I still make the long drive to see our aunt several times a year. Why? Because she is our aunt and is the last sibling alive of our late mother. Heck, our aunt can be annoying at times (heck, our aunt can be VERY annoying at times) but when she tells a story about when she and our mother were children it makes it all worthwhile.
Perhaps you have to try to do different things than "just sit around the house making conversation". Take her out to dinner, play cards or a table game, go to a play, concert or sporting event together or something else. Ask her to show you how to make Grandma's famous chocolate cake or some recipe from her (and your mom's) childhood. Help out with her favorite charity, look at old photo albums together, knit stocking caps for the homeless, help her weed her flower garder, there are dozens and dozens of possibilities.
Maybe it is your cousins that are the bigger problem. Perhaps you can just go out with your aunt. It doesn't have to be some big production. I once asked my aunt to help me shop for fabric to make an ethnic costume. I could have easily done it by myself (after all I was 50 plus years old at the time) but that hour or two in a fabric store with my aunt was very nice (comparing the different fabrics and decorations, talking about other outfits we had made, sharing funny sewing goofs, etc). My aunt still mentions how much fun we had and it was almost 10 years ago.
Put yourself in your aunt's shoes. imagine yourself at 60 years old and your beloved nieces and nephews don't want to visit and keep making excuse after excuse. How would that make you feel?
You don't have to become BFFs but a short visit every few months or even once or twice a year should not be a major hardship to you, esp. if you live fairly close to eat other.
^^^^^^ This. And as suggested go out to a restaurant with your aunt. Without the cousins.
Getting out of her house, might liven her up.
Be thankful you have her within driving distance, I just lost my mother back in July. All the relatives are in other states, so contact is by phone. It would be nice to have family around to go visit that was only a close drive away instead of thousands of miles.
Your "for some reason" comments make you sound like a very cold person.
^^^^^^ This. And as suggested go out to a restaurant with your aunt. Without the cousins.
Getting out of her house, might liven her up.
Be thankful you have her within driving distance, I just lost my mother back in July. All the relatives are in other states, so contact is by phone. It would be nice to have family around to go visit that was only a close drive away instead of thousands of miles.
Your "for some reason" comments make you sound like a very cold person.
The reason is you are family.
To be fair to the OP, if they were close before the mother died, then I don't think the gatherings would be so awkward. If there wasn't a close relationship before the OP's mom died, then I could see why OP thinks it's odd OP's aunt is suddenly interested in a close relationship. Going strictly by the OP & the OP's subsequent comments, don't quite get why people are calling the OP a "cold person" .
I didn't get to know my dad's brother well during my childhood because of a rift largely engineered by my mom, which he went along with and is responsible for too, for not standing up to her. My dad died when I was in my early 20s. I didn't really begin to get to know my uncle and his family until I was in my 30s. We are much closer now. I give my aunt (uncle's wife) a lot of the credit for that and their daughter (my cousin). They all made an effort to make me feel welcome and a part of the family, but especially my aunt and cousin. If they hadn't, I don't know if we'd be as close.
To be fair to the OP, if they were close before the mother died, then I don't think the gatherings would be so awkward. If there wasn't a close relationship before the OP's mom died, then I could see why OP thinks it's odd OP's aunt is suddenly interested in a close relationship. Going strictly by the OP & the OP's subsequent comments, don't quite get why people are calling the OP a "cold person" .
You're right. I was one of those people who initially thought she was cold, and for that, I apologize. When she followed up to let us know that she has tried suggesting other activities, with and without the cousins, only to be refused, that changed my opinion. It sounds like the aunt won't budge, and with that knowledge, I don't blame the OP for wanting to cut ties.
It's a huge peeve of mine when people insist you have to suck up to bad behavior because "it's family". I call BS on that. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you have the right to treat people poorly and expect them to put up with it.
I don't even know why the OP even posted this to begin with. It is obvious that you want nothing to do with your aunt and cousins and just want to "be honest with them". So do it, it is your life, cut them off and get on with it. No one can make you care.
I agree, your aunt wants to spend time with you but lacks conversation skills. Quit trying so hard to carry the conversation. Why don't you let there be silence until they are forced to pick up the slack.. It may be awkward, but it would be less frustrating than trying to carry the conversation.
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