How much do your cousins mean to you? (wife, girlfriend, father)

[Trimac20]

Are they very much part of the family, closer to siblings (although rarely are they the same)?

Do you see them as just good friends?

Or are they just like strangers to you?

Do you feel any sense of loyalty to them and vice versa?


I have quite a few cousins, all over the world. They range in age from 13 to 40. The ones that live in the same city as me, I see perhaps a few times a year. We're pretty friendly, and they're definitely still 'family' (I don't like to give family a lot of 'privileges' but it's still different) but I'm not sure how they compare to good friends. I'd say it's similar to friends.

As for my other cousins, since I so rarely see them they seem like strangers to me. The times I have met them, some of them haven't acted very friendly or interested in getting to know me. I don't expect special treatment just because of blood relations, but it was a bit of a let-down. I suppose they still consider me strangers too.

How about you? How is your relationship with your first cousins?

[exscapegoat]

I have 5 first cousins. Due to an estrangement largely egged on by my mother, I didn't see that much of the ones on my dad's side. I saw a lot of the 2 on my mom's side. We spent most holidays and birthdays together, a lot of time spent together during the summers and during the rest of the year. For a long time, we lived fairly close by. Maybe a 10-15 minute drive, longer than that for the subway, but not easy walking distance. The relationships have been very different

Mom's side:
Brad and Belinda (not their real names) are my mom's sister's kids. Brad is about 2 years older than me and 5 years older than my brother Ken (not his real name). Before I hit my teens, he used my brother as a battering ram once, knocking out a tooth (baby tooth) and he shoved me off a swing, bloodying my nose. As a teen he threw boiling water from a window at Belinda and a friend, fortunately missing them. He also threw a cat from a roof, but fortunately the cat wasn't hurt. If my dad or my uncle were around, they'd intervene and stop things. If it was just my mom/aunt, they'd tell us not to bother him and/or to ignore him. Belinda & I used to try to lock ourselves into my room or the bathroom to get away from him when he was at my home. Ken lost the tooth when Brad attempted to use him to break the door down.

As an adult, the few times I've seen him, he asks me why my brother doesn't keep in touch with him. Though to be fair, this was before my brother and I became estranged. He may have changed and become nicer as an adult, I don't know. And I suspect he was abused physically by my uncle as a kid. But he'll tell stories about some of the above stuff he did as a kid/teen like it's funny.

Belinda and I had a odd relationship as kids. Sometimes it was close as we're less than a year apart. But our mothers constantly compared us. Belinda's blonde/blue eyed and I'm brunette/brown eyed. I was unfavorably compared to her for merely my coloring and told by both my mother and aunt I should be more like her in various ways. There's also another cousin on her dad's side who would join us, who's the same age. If she was there, the two of them would often tell me they didn't want me playing with them. I wasn't allowed to bring a book because it was considered rude to read while visiting. Kids were expected to play with kids and not bother the grown ups. Mainly, I'd just try to avoid the wrath of Brad and stay out of the way when that happened.

The constant comparison took its toll and Belinda and I aren't close. Which is sad because she seems like a fairly nice person as an adult from the times I've seen her. If we could ever trust each other enough to sit down and talk about the craziness is our Families of Origin, I think we'd be able to help/support each other a lot. Her mother seems extremely critical of her, though she's done pretty well for herself and her family (she's married and has kids) and she does a lot for her mother. Golden child Brad can do no wrong. Somewhat of a similar dynamic with my mother/brother

Dad's side:
I didn't see very much of James, Jenny & Jack growing up due to an estrangement between my dad & his brother egged on by my mother. My Aunt Jane, my uncle's wife, is very family oriented. Even though we only met a few times as kids, I and my stepmom were invited to all of their weddings. I didn't get to go to James's because an address problem caused the invitation to go astray and I didn't find out 'til after the wedding. But I went to Jack's and I went to Jenny's. We would see each other at funerals and other family gatherings. I've gone to visit my uncle, aunt. They've moved out of state, along with Jenny and for awhile James. For awhile, we had regular get togethers. We still keep in touch through phone calls, emails and Facebook. I'm closest to Jenny, but I also feel as if James and Jack and their families are almost like siblings. When anyone is going through a tough time, there's a lot of support.

Each of my parents lost a parent when they were fairly young. Each of the surviving grandparents was one of 5 siblings. So my parents had great aunts/uncles stepping in to supplement the parenting and my parents both spent a lot of time with their first cousins as a result. My dad's side was particularly close. He and his brother each had a first cousin who was in their classes at school, so they spent time together during the school day and after school. It was more like a whole tribe of siblings on my dad's side. I spent a lot of time with them as well. We'd use the term aunt/uncle or cousin (first name) as a sign of respect to the cousins from older generations and first names with peer cousins/younger. I'm glad I got to spend time with them as a kid because the love and affection they had for everyone probably went a very long way to insulating me from the effects of my mother being pretty toxic. Not only did the adults step in if a bigger kid tried to bully a smaller kid, there was also self policing. The older kids were more likely to look out for the littler ones, in a protective way.

Then there are some cousins I've never met or only met once or twice even though we live in the same metropolitan area.

[Lilac110]

My cousins mean nothing to me. Half of them are insufferable holy-rollers and the other half are insincere flakes. Haven't seen the holy-rollers since 2000, the flakes since 1989, and I am okay with that. I hear about the stupid things they post on Facebook (I have them blocked, but my sisters have them friended, beats me as to why), and they are still the same ridiculous people they've always been.

[Jukesgrrl]

I had an unexpected and good experience with cousins just last week. As many on the caregiver thread know, my elderly mother lives with me in the Southwest, far from where my mother spent the first eight decades of her life. So I am often in the position of entertaining people who come to visit her (which is never for a day ... more like a weekend, to a week). That's never on my Top 10 list of things to do with my life; Mom can't participate in any of the prep necessary for out-of-town visitors and it can be a lot to do. But I would never discourage her having guests.

Last week, we had visitors who are nieces of my late father. My Dad was their Dads' youngest brother ... meaning my Dad was their "cool uncle." They adore my mother because she was cool uncle's pretty girlfriend, she had them in her wedding, etc., so they are quite fond of her. I was around them for some of my childhood, but eventually they had their own families, moved away, etc., so as an adult I've had little contact with them other than through my mother.

I wasn't looking forward to this visit but it totally turned around to something I enjoyed as much as Mom did. The women are really only 10 years older than I am, which I never thought about. When I was 10 and they were 20 that was a Grand Canyon of difference, but now it is nothing. In reconnecting with them, I found I had an extraordinary amount in common with them. Things I never knew about ... everything from careers we had in common to hereditary health issues. They both had mothers they cared for in their homes in their last years. So they had total understanding of the pressures of my life and many good tips for me as to how to make this situation work better.

They brought old photos with them, most I had never seen before, of my own family. Pictures of me and my siblings at holiday gatherings that brought back great memories. One of the visitors is into Ancestors.com and she took us through all her collected info. My mother got such a kick out of helping her fill in information about people she was too young to know.

So ... my advice is: if you have cousins you haven't seen for decades, reconnect with them. It might turn out to be a valuable connection for your life and a walk down memory lane that could be quite enjoyable. Especially if you live far away from where you were raised, it's such a kick to be able to talk to people who actually share your personal references. I guess that's what family reunions are for, but my family never had them.

[Chava61]

Originally Posted by Trimac20

Are they very much part of the family, closer to siblings (although rarely are they the same)?

Do you see them as just good friends?

Or are they just like strangers to you?

Do you feel any sense of loyalty to them and vice versa?


I have quite a few cousins, all over the world. They range in age from 13 to 40. The ones that live in the same city as me, I see perhaps a few times a year. We're pretty friendly, and they're definitely still 'family' (I don't like to give family a lot of 'privileges' but it's still different) but I'm not sure how they compare to good friends. I'd say it's similar to friends.

As for my other cousins, since I so rarely see them they seem like strangers to me. The times I have met them, some of them haven't acted very friendly or interested in getting to know me. I don't expect special treatment just because of blood relations, but it was a bit of a let-down. I suppose they still consider me strangers too.

How about you? How is your relationship with your first cousins?

I have cousins that are similar to the 2 basic types that you mention.

[germaine2626]

I am 60 years old and extremely close to my cousins on my mother's side. Many of us are almost like siblings as we all lived in the same general area and spent a lot of time together (especially in the summers).

I'm not quite as close to the cousins on my father's side for several reasons. Since he was the "baby" of nine siblings many of my cousins are/were quite a bit older in age than me. Also, most lived a little farther away so we were more likely to see each other at the annual summer family reunion/all day potluck picnic than at a random Sunday dinner or birthday party.

Also, all of my mom's relatives are/were dairy farmers so we frequently "helped out" each other doing major chores, getting hay baled before it rained, sharing large, expensive pieces of farm machinery and helped with butchering, smoking meat, canning, etc. My dad's relatives were electricians, tool & die workers, construction workers and factory workers so we (obviously) didn't need to "help them out" at work.

It is interesting that the next generation, my children and my sibling's children, are also extremely close. In some families it seems to be a"pain in the a$$" or "punishment" to visit relatives but in my family it is something that we all enjoy and look forward to doing often.

[robertpolyglot]

On a scale of 1 to 10, some 0 and some 10, and others somewhere in between.

My dad has a brother who is 16 years older than him, who also married earlier than my Dad did by about 6 years, I think. Obviously, they are my first cousins. I knew, more or less, where they were when we lived in CA but only saw one of them. I lost track of them. We had zero in common, so I don't miss them at all.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by Trimac20

Are they very much part of the family, closer to siblings (although rarely are they the same)?

Do you see them as just good friends?

Or are they just like strangers to you?

Do you feel any sense of loyalty to them and vice versa?


I have quite a few cousins, all over the world. They range in age from 13 to 40. The ones that live in the same city as me, I see perhaps a few times a year. We're pretty friendly, and they're definitely still 'family' (I don't like to give family a lot of 'privileges' but it's still different) but I'm not sure how they compare to good friends. I'd say it's similar to friends.

As for my other cousins, since I so rarely see them they seem like strangers to me. The times I have met them, some of them haven't acted very friendly or interested in getting to know me. I don't expect special treatment just because of blood relations, but it was a bit of a let-down. I suppose they still consider me strangers too.

How about you? How is your relationship with your first cousins?

I haven't seen most of if not all of my cousins since 2002, we live in different states and just don't get together like we did as children. Most all of our elders have crossed over and we all have our separate lives and really not much in common any longer.

[silverbelles]

Eh, I have a few that I'm cool with and I definitely have a favorite, but really my cousins and I don't talk outside of the holidays. I have like, two of them on facebook and I really only pay attention to one of them. Now my cousins who still live in the Dominican Republic, they are definitely strangers. Most of them I've never met, and the few that I did...we could barely interact.

[brokencrayola]

I only have 2 cousins and I have not seen them since I was in my teens, and I am 59 now. I have not kept in contact with them at all, so we are not close at all.