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My wife is not too friendly to strangers. People approach her on a regular basis and make small talk to her just to be friendly or to pass the time. She does not respond.
It bugs me how coldly she treats these people and I ask her about it and she says, "I didn't ask those people to speak to me, they have no business with me, they are just destroying my privacy!"
These could be people who are in a grocery line, or the grocery check out cashier, someone pumping gas next to her, the mailman, security guards, handymen who do work around the house, etc. They seem to be speaking to her in a nice way and are not crazy or homeless or using her to try to sell something.
To me, if someone speaks to me and asks a question or makes some type of comment they are owed some type of response. Exactly how long to keep the conversation engaged is the question.
What do you think?
Nothing is owed to strangers. You wife sounds like a very unhappy person.
Bob does have a point. If you're too nice, you'll get devoured. I'll give him that.
TJ, I grew up in NYC, lived in Bkln, Queens and Long Island my whole adult life, worked in the city for at least 15yrs. I never, ever felt in danger of being ‘devoured’ by saying good morning, have a nice day, crappy weather we are having, please or thank you.
You also need to practice common sense situational awareness. Anyone who gives off a bad vibe, any situation that makes you nervous, you do not engage in idle conversation in those circumstances.
I once reconnected with a childhood friend( pre Facebook!) by starting a casual convo in a deli, waiting on line to order. Turns out the guy was a teacher, and my old friend was vice-principal!
TJ, I grew up in NYC, lived in Bkln, Queens and Long Island my whole adult life, worked in the city for at least 15yrs. I never, ever felt in danger of being ‘devoured’ by saying good morning, have a nice day, crappy weather we are having, please or thank you.
You also need to practice common sense situational awareness. Anyone who gives off a bad vibe, any situation that makes you nervous, you do not engage in idle conversation in those circumstances.
I once reconnected with a childhood friend( pre Facebook!) by starting a casual convo in a deli, waiting on line to order. Turns out the guy was a teacher, and my old friend was vice-principal!
You never know.
That's cool .
And of course we are in agreement that nothing wrong with saying good morning and the like. But the topic is whether or not you 'owe' a stranger a response.
And there are times when I say "Hello, good morning, etc." and get no response. I don't get offended by it, who knows what the deal is. I've also had real friends from engaging in casual conversations, myself. They all passed on unfortunately.
And of course, I had my not so good experiences.
I'll say it this way. If I try to talk to you and you don't respond to me, while it will sting a lot, I am not going to automatically hold it against you. I don't know your struggle or where your head space is (or if you even heard me). And you don't owe me a response. You are not here for my entertainment.
In between A ('I wub teh whole wurld!') and Z ('I hate everyone!') is an entire alphabet of available human responses, which you do not seem to recognize.
Yes. Being civil and doing small talk are not inviting tragedy. I've spoken with strangers many times and never had a bad thing come of it. If someone wants me to talk religion or to buy something, I don't take the bait. But the vast majority of interactions have been perfectly pleasant.
And, I don't have to make small talk. It is not a compulsion. But often it is polite. And there is nothing wrong with treating others kindly.
Yes. Being civil and doing small talk are not inviting tragedy. I've spoken with strangers many times and never had a bad thing come of it. If someone wants me to talk religion or to buy something, I don't take the bait. But the vast majority of interactions have been perfectly pleasant.
And, I don't have to make small talk. It is not a compulsion. But often it is polite. And there is nothing wrong with treating others kindly.
Exactly. And while perhaps no one is owed a response, I would feel the same way as OP and I would be embarrassed by this if it were my spouse.
I meant owed in a sense of manners or societies expectation of what you should do.
My wife said it was poor manners on their part for talking to her and invading her privacy. She says people should only talk to each other if there is a formal introduction first, a business necessity, or part of an ongoing relationship.
I think this view is extreme - perhaps even wrong. It's not "poor manners" for someone to say something innocuous and/or pleasant to a stranger. It WOULD be poor manners for a stranger to start asking probing questions. But it's not an "invasion of privacy" for a stranger to say something like, "Goodness it's hot out there," or "The color of your blouse is beautiful," or even "I just have to ask - where did you get those cute sandals? I'd love to have some myself!"
Come on.
What would be considered "bad manners" by most people would be your wife's response of stony silence.
For whatever reason, I'm someone who gets approached by strangers on a regular basis, by both men and women alike, and I'm too"nice" to ever ignore anyone unless I have a very good reason to (e.g., I WILL ignore men who are making rude comments.). I'm a friendly person, though, and I'll carry on a conversation with just about anyone near me if they're open to it. It's a trait I inherited from my dad. You meet a lot of neat people that way!
I dont like people who are "too nice", ha ha, cuz eventually they will make you pay for what they resent. In all seriousness, you have a great attitude, but you dont have to go as far as a long conversation to be courteous. A few words acknowledges their humanity.
I'm usually a chatty person, and I will, at times, strike up conversations with strangers, and sometimes strangers chat me up, and it's all good.
UNLESS
They see me with a book in my hand, or my phone in hand, eyes cast down, etc. IMO, my body language is clearly showing people that I've tuned out of social interaction so please leave me alone.
OK, does that mean if I see some danger approaching you, say a car running a red light and coming your way, that I shouldn’t bother you by saying “Watch out”?
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