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Yes, my mother, a lieing, manipulative, abusive drunk. She will push and push me until I can no longer contain myself.
We are no contact for the 3rd or 4th time, once for 10 years, the most peaceful and happy ten years of my life.
No, perhaps they don't love her less. Thing is, I don't think love is all it's cracked up to be either. I think love is a great excuse because people act like it's something special. I say this a lot when it comes to animals, but it applies just as much here. When someone neglects or abuses an animal, they very often bleat "but I loooooved Fluffy!" Like that absolves them...like it has any meaning.
But do you think they really did? I don't......
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Love isn't meaningful because love is easy. It costs you nothing. A five year old can love just as deeply as an adult. My cat doesn't care if I love him or not. He cares if I'm responsible for him. They might love her, but that isn't doing her a damn bit of good.
I disagree. Love, real love, does cost something. It can cost everything. You should know that better than anyone.
A child's love cannot be compared to the love of an adult. And of course, your cat doesn't "care" if you love him....
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This is no easier for me than it is for them. That would imply that I somehow feel less for my mother than they do...after all, if I loved her just as deeply, wouldn't I be burying my head in the sand too? Doesn't this imply that the person who remains and actually steps up is the one who cares the least, thus giving them the capacity to handle it?
Not in my opinion...
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I do love my mother. Maybe they love her as much as I do, I don't know. But I'm also responsible for her. And there isn't a single moment of the day when that comes easy. I just can't feel a single flicker of sympathy for any of them when they're making the choice to run away from the situation.
I think you love your mother. The others? It's not my place to judge, but I think when you really love someone, you will show it...as the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words."
As for your anger towards your siblings: situations like you describe cannot happen without the encouragement and participation of the parent involved.
Just saying...
IMO, if you want your sibs to hep with the caretaking, tell them so....else you have no rational cause for such anger.
This is no easier for me than it is for them. That would imply that I somehow feel less for my mother than they do...after all, if I loved her just as deeply, wouldn't I be burying my head in the sand too? Doesn't this imply that the person who remains and actually steps up is the one who cares the least, thus giving them the capacity to handle it?
I never said any of that. Just that people deal with things differently and some people are stronger than others. That doesn't mean it's easier for you, it doesn't mean you love her less, it just means you are able to handle it better because you're a different person.
Again, that doesn't excuse them from responsibility. I DO think you should push them to help more. But if you can't do it without SOME amount of understanding and sympathy, you'll only make things worse. If you can't say something like "Look, I know it's hard but you need to step up and help out more" instead of just ranting and raging about how much you hate them for their lack of responsibility, it's only going to push them away, not encourage them to help out.
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I'm fine with hating them at this point. I would like to be less ANGRY- they are two different issues.
Not really. It takes a hell of a lot of anger to genuinely hate someone.
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But they've earned the hate part of it, in my opinion, and I don't feel guilty for it. 'There are consequences to ignoring your responsibilities in life, and the hate of your little sister would be the least of it...and a consequence I highly doubt they'll notice or care about.
If you are bottling this all up then you can not expect them to notice.
I promised myself I would always be kind to her, for the sake of my mom. My sister saps the life out of me and brings out deep frustration. I've learned that talking with her doesn't get me anywhere and causes me undue stress. I just avoid contact with her.
I am sure that the next time I will see her is at my mom's funeral.
I have cousins who refuse to have anything to do with me. As far as I can find out from the hints of a first cousin once removed, when my aunt died these two cousins read the mail they found in the room of her senior home. They did not like what we talked about, nor did they especially like what they felt were disparaging comments about them.
My thought is that once you stick your nose into a close relatives private corresponspondence, you better be armed with a nose guard and a thick skin.
But I already have the eulogy all planned out!! The last lines will be something like "For some of you, this will be the last day we speak. I want you to know that I have no regrets...but you should."
I'm (mostly) joking...while I do have my revenge fantasy eulogy, I know it would be deeply unkind to start cutting into people at a funeral, no matter how much I may wish to.
I think my problem is made more complicated by the fact that the problems DO involve another person, so there's almost no way I can discuss it without the great likelihood of getting her involved. And because of her mental health issues, she wouldn't be able to handle the fallout in a rational manner. She's very aware of how they have abandoned her and it hurts her, but she's also their mother and will naturally want to excuse and defend them if a true family war did erupt.
I think it is entirely possible to hate someone without being consumed by it, and I don't think forgiveness is all it's cracked up to be. I actually think society pushes forgiveness almost as a mandate and that it can be more destructive than helpful.
That said...I agree in this case that the anger I am feeling isn't healthy. The last time I felt this angry with another person, it directly lead to me quitting my job. I didn't like feeling that way and being that kind of person. I would leave work literally shaking with rage.
But that was a situation where escape was possible. Here I am thrust into situations where I have to 'play nice' with people. I don't know how to let it go when I've constantly having it put back in front of me. I don't know if I can continue to play nicely for possibly fifteen more years (despite her health, my mother is relatively young.)
I do understand how that level of rage can be unhealthy...I know my blood pressure was probably sky high last night! I was surrounded by people laughing and dancing and having a good time, and all I could think was how much I wanted to HURT them. That's not good, and I know it.
No, perhaps they don't love her less. Thing is, I don't think love is all it's cracked up to be either. I think love is a great excuse because people act like it's something special. I say this a lot when it comes to animals, but it applies just as much here. When someone neglects or abuses an animal, they very often bleat "but I loooooved Fluffy!" Like that absolves them...like it has any meaning.
Love isn't meaningful because love is easy. It costs you nothing. A five year old can love just as deeply as an adult. My cat doesn't care if I love him or not. He cares if I'm responsible for him. They might love her, but that isn't doing her a damn bit of good.
This is no easier for me than it is for them. That would imply that I somehow feel less for my mother than they do...after all, if I loved her just as deeply, wouldn't I be burying my head in the sand too? Doesn't this imply that the person who remains and actually steps up is the one who cares the least, thus giving them the capacity to handle it?
I do love my mother. Maybe they love her as much as I do, I don't know. But I'm also responsible for her. And there isn't a single moment of the day when that comes easy. I just can't feel a single flicker of sympathy for any of them when they're making the choice to run away from the situation.
Fact is, they have no idea how mom is actually doing. Every time they are around her, they're always so shocked when she repeats things or has a melt-down. They have NO IDEA. I did snap at my brother last night because mom wanted to leave after five hours and he kept asking why. Why? Because she's old and she's tired and I had to give her a Xanax to get her there in the first place. Because she actually did really well, and why push it? It was just such a stupid question from my perspective, and just illustrated how little they understand.
I'm fine with hating them at this point. I would like to be less ANGRY- they are two different issues. But they've earned the hate part of it, in my opinion, and I don't feel guilty for it. 'There are consequences to ignoring your responsibilities in life, and the hate of your little sister would be the least of it...and a consequence I highly doubt they'll notice or care about.
I LOVE IT! And I love that eulogy! I think it's classy, direct and honest.
Why fall all over people who have not supported tou and have given you grief, just because it's a funeral?
It is possible to be direct, honest and decorous at the same time.
We as a society hold way too much in for the sake of decorum.
I am all for being polite. I was raised that way, and I'm one of the few parents today who is raising their children to be polite and to adhere to the rules of etiquette.
However, not to the point where it gives one an ulcer or ...worse.
And decorum should never cross the line into hypocracy.
I also have a different out look conserning the deceased that the one with which I was raised.
I was raised with that old axiom "Do not speal ill of the dead". My motto is "speak of the dead to reflect as they were in life" - in other words, which honesty, and not with sentiment.
For those of you who are saying that its not worth the energy or that it's going to backfire in the face of the OP , I have a couple of points.
First, I understand what you mean. No one is saying that anyone should go ballistic at a funeral. We are implying however, that saying something, might make the OP feel better, and less taken advantage of.
As far as "embarrassing the offending parties" I have two words - SO WHAT!
Got behavior that you are ashamed of that could potentially be embarrassing? A few words CUT THE CRAP!
Because you know what? There are those of us out there who are sick of being used as doormats!
Being out spoken and being polite are not always antithetical.
The funeral is no time to make this about you, your feelings, your intentions. Talk about innocent people caught in the crossfire... I think you know this.
Before doing anything that can't be undone you will need to determine whether any type of communication will work at all or will serve any purpose other than making you feel better, which I might add usually doesn't work like you might want because as several others have noted, "they" won't get it. If it were me I'd be tempted to find a counselor to work through the issues before your mom dies. After the funeral and after you grieve then you can make some decisions about your sibling relationships.
Ask yourself...what would be gained?...They aren't going to have an epiphany at your angry outcry. You do what you should...Let them deal with their Karma.
If by different you mean one child cares for the aging parent and the rest don't left a finger, then yeah, we have 'different' relationships. If you were to ask them though, I'd sure they'd say they love her just as much as I do.
It's a fairly typical situation when it comes to these things. I did tell one of my brothers earlier this week that the next sibling who says ANY variation on "we're so glad you're there so we don't have to be" is getting punched in the face. He told me it was meant as a compliment, I told him in return that it was a cope-out. That's pretty much the furthest I've ever gone in terms of really snapping at them.
Well, that was appropriate. It was said in a timely manner, and was probably heard. It may already make a difference. That type sharing your feelings is productive imo But throwing a fit of anger at a funeral would never serve any such purpose.
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