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I currently do not have a relationship with my ex-sister-in-law. But, I'll be visiting their city in a few months and need to navigate through the mess that is her divorce to my brother. I need some input as to best handle this.
Here are the facts:
1) I met my sister-in-law in high school when we were 16.
2) She met my brother through me.
3) We were the best of friends, almost like sisters.
4) She and my brother have two kids, similar ages to my two oldest. While we have not lived in the same city, we've taken family vacations together for years and I feel very close to my niece and nephew.
5) My brother was emotionally abusive - more so than I'd originally thought, after she began to confide his behavior to me. (The way he treated her and controlled her always bothered me and I often called him out on it. I even talked to him about it in private. But I didn't want to cause trouble, because for years she acted like she didn't notice it.)
6) Fast forward, twenty years of marriage, she got breast implants. This seemed to give her an ego boost and opened her eyes to attention she had not gotten from other men in the past. She'd grown up in an emotionally abusive household where her dad frequently told her she was ugly. She started dressing a lot more provocatively. As one of her best friends, she'd tell me quite a bit and she began talking about a co-worker in a manner that made me think something might be going on.
7) She began to reject my brother's abusive treatment. They both went to counseling. She said his behavior improved, but that she no longer loved him - too many years of emotional abuse.
8) Two years later, she moved out.
9) My brother then tells me she was having an affair for two years. The guy was her 8-yr old son's soccer coach. She and her kids hung out a lot with him, went to movies and dinners together (my brother works long hours). This isn't hearsay - a lot of what she told me matched up to events she was involved in. My brother had explicit emails, texts, etc.
It's been a year since their divorce. I haven't spoken to her. On the one hand, I feel for her because I know the emotional abuse my brother put her through for years. I hate that she had an affair with someone her son trusted and knew so well. It has scarred her kids. A lot of friends from their school know. The divorce has been horribly messy. She and my brother BOTH fill the kids' heads with too many details about things that simply don't concern kids. (I've talked to my brother about this, sent him articles.)
On a more personal level, I feel that my SIL lied to me and knew full well she was carrying on an affair but continued to victimize herself. I regret ever lending an ear to any of this - I should have had no role at all.
At the same time, it's been very odd having her cut out of my life so suddenly. It's almost as though she died. Very sad.
But back to my question here. When I visit in a few months, it'll be with my kids. I know my nephew wants my son to visit his "new" place, see his room where he lives with his mom half-time. Last month, when we vacationed together, my nephew asked if I was mad at his mom. Of course, I said "not at all." He said good because he's really tired of the families hating each other. Ugh.
So what to do when I go down there? Text her ahead of time and tell her that if we run into each other, everything is fine. That I hope for her happiness? All is history?
You are the only one who knows what you are comfortable with as far as any sort of relationship with the sister in law.
Contact her if you want to tell her that you will be in town and hope all is well with her and the kids would like to see each other. If she is agreeable to that meet in a neutral place and see what happens, she will either choose to bring the kids and stay or bring them and drop them off for a while.
I've been a mediator on more than one occasion and tragedy with my brother and SIL. I grew up in the same neighborhood with my sister in law and knew her mother very well and did things with her when my SIL was real little. While we care for one another, there was always some kind of distance between us like we never bonded totally. A part of this she revealed was because she found it difficult for her to talk to me about problems with my brother because he was my brother. We were discussing it and I was laughing and said, "You aren't without your faults, but I lived with that ass and know exactly how he can be."
A couple horrendous things happened through their marriage that would put a strain on anyone and I promised her years ago that I loved her as a sister and always would regardless of what happened between her and my brother and that she was the mother of my nephews - two very special people in my life and they learned a lot of love and compassion from her and different things from my brother. I would never discount her as no longer being my sister even if they should divorce or something.
Being neutral in these types of family dynamics is very tricky.
'Lil Miss Dangerous got a boob job (using your bro's cash), and decided indiscreetly to have sex with someone directly involved with her 8 year old.
Nice.
Class act there.
After the deed, she tried to justify it with you.....get YOU on HER side.
Pathetic.
She's an attention w***e.
Keep your kids away from her.
Keep in mind that while your brother was busting his arse trying to make a good life for his family, she was spreading her legs for anyone that would pay attention to her.
Last edited by YAZ; 11-02-2012 at 09:32 AM..
Reason: add
Arrange to visit for the afternoon...You do want to maintain some sort of open communication w/ the Mother of your nephew. I would not make an open statement...I would suggest that you do discuss maintaining communication for your children. Take it slow if she is open to seeing you all. I wouldn't do anything more until you've had a few visits in the future etc. Eventually you may get to the point where you can both really have a heart to heart...but right now just make everything nice for your nephew...if more is still there it'll come eventually.
Everything you do right now, focus on your nephew's best interests. He needs his family, including his cousin and Aunt.
I agree that eventually you guys can have a heart-to-heart. Please just keep it focused on the kids for now. You sound like a very caring sister, I really hope you can get through to your brother also someday. Both of them need to stop hurting their children through their hatred for eachother. Let your caring self be an example to the kids.
You lost your best friend. You two were very close. If I were in your shoes, I would either call/text/email her and let her know you'll be in town. Do you want to see her, have lunch or something? I think that would be a good thing.
What happened in their marriage is between them. Her life sounds hard, even before her marriage. If she came from an abusive home, how could she learn the proper skills on how to be in a relationship? To her, she was always a victim. Hopefully she has gotten some counciling and worked through her childhood.
Try not to judge her, even for the affair. People do things to make themselves feel better, whether it's right or wrong, and they really aren't trying to hurt other people.
Good luck to you. Hope this works out for eveybody.
I'm not putting the blame squarely with your brother for the affair, but when you emotionally abuse someone over an extended period, usually there are unpleasant consequences. You think he wasn't damaging the kids BEFORE this stuff blew up? When a child witnesses one parent controlling and running down the other for YEARS, it's going to completely warp their view of relationships and how to treat other people. It's going to mess with their OWN self-esteem and self-image. Those kids were damaged long before your SIL had her affair - please don't pretend otherwise.
Your brother is a weak man who deliberately married a damaged woman because he liked her weakness - it made him feel stronger. He used her this way for TWENTY YEARS. She extracted herself messily, but that's what happens sometimes when lifelong victims have to figure stuff out on their own. They get kind of desperate and "the kids" no longer get put first, and they just claw their way out. I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, but this really isn't about you.
You didn't cut things off with your brother even though he was treating your best friend like dirt for 20 years, but she has an affair and spares you the gory details and suddenly she's excised from your life, even though she's the mother of your niece and nephew? Wow.
Oh, and guess what! Now that your brother doesn't have your SIL around, his kids are the next obvious targets. If they haven't been already. Fun times for all.
And another thing... How could you expose your OWN children to that? You've spent extended periods of time with your brother and SIL as families, and so your kids have undoubtedly absorbed the relationship dynamic between them. Unless you're debriefing them after every visit, they simply think "controlling and emotionally abusive" is just another lifestyle choice.
I'm not putting the blame squarely with your brother for the affair, but when you emotionally abuse someone over an extended period, usually there are unpleasant consequences. You think he wasn't damaging the kids BEFORE this stuff blew up? When a child witnesses one parent controlling and running down the other for YEARS, it's going to completely warp their view of relationships and how to treat other people. It's going to mess with their OWN self-esteem and self-image. Those kids were damaged long before your SIL had her affair - please don't pretend otherwise.
Your brother is a weak man who deliberately married a damaged woman because he liked her weakness - it made him feel stronger. He used her this way for TWENTY YEARS. She extracted herself messily, but that's what happens sometimes when lifelong victims have to figure stuff out on their own. They get kind of desperate and "the kids" no longer get put first, and they just claw their way out. I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, but this really isn't about you.
You didn't cut things off with your brother even though he was treating your best friend like dirt for 20 years, but she has an affair and spares you the gory details and suddenly she's excised from your life, even though she's the mother of your niece and nephew? Wow.
Oh, and guess what! Now that your brother doesn't have your SIL around, his kids are the next obvious targets. If they haven't been already. Fun times for all.
But go ahead and keep feeling miffed.
The question on this post was never "Am I right to feel miffed?"
The question was how to handle visiting my niece and nephew and seeing my SIL. I gave some background info, but obviously, there are more details. Very rarely is there a blatant victim - every person is dynamic with good and bad.
As the situation stands right now, there is absolutely no way that a relationship could exist between my SIL and myself. As I mentioned, it has become a very messy divorce. She would not want to have contact with me (lots of legalities involved) it would definitely be a conflict of interest. The woman has bigger fish to fry in her life right now.
For some odd reason, you're assuming a lot in your post. Yes, my niece and nephew are going to counseling. They have lots of family around who give them support. That being said, everyone is quite aware of the craptastic job their parents are doing in this mess and they are calling them on it.
As for subjecting my kids to arguments between brother and SIL when we'd vacation together: I don't regret vacationing with them. My kids love their cousins (they're the only first cousins they have). I don't ascribe to the thought that we have to raise our kids in a pristine, perfect world. My kids have their parents as examples and yes, they see how people we know go through divorce, and they seem to understand why something crumbles when people treat each other like crap.
Lots of anger and other comments in your post that I won't address because it has nothing to do with the thread.
Best of luck to you.
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