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You'd think at my age (58), I would have this friendship thing down pat, but I still get confused. After years of not socializing, I became interested in having friends. Reached out to a woman about eighteen months ago. She seemed interested, although she said her time was limited. I was good with that---just tried to get together once a month for lunch, with some e-mails and an occasional phone call inbetween.
But now we've not gotten together for two months. We were supposed to do something a month ago (I found a poetry reading, which she is really interested in), but she backed out at the last minute, citing knee pain. I was gracious about her cancellation...but haven't heard from her since.
For a while, I was on a quest to gain as many friends as I could. I've learned the hard way that it's about quality, not quantity. But this woman really did have a lot to offer in terms of her personality, intelligence, and similar interests. But----she is a very low energy person (she had a neurological disease almost 20 years ago, which she claims still has some residual effect on her). She works with kids as a tutor and is very personable with them---but doesn't seem to want any social contact outside of that (is just happy staying at home with her cats when not working and talking on the phone to mother and sister).
I felt good at first that I was encouraging her to get outside her comfort zone and develop a friendship. But it was becoming so one-sided on my part that I think I just need to let it go. Am I just taking the easy way out? Or is it a mark of grace, maturity, and good mental health to accept that some friendships are time-limited?
I think you have to take each friendship on its own merits and not lump them all together. This particular friend you were talking about either sounds too busy to contact you back or possibly dissinterested in this friendship. I think I would give her one more chance and try to set a day and time you can meet-up. If she cancels or doesn't want to, I would let it go and move on. You can't beat a dead horse.
Your friend likes being alone and not doing much. Sounds like she doesn't to push herself too hard. You sound like an interesting person who needs a friend that is a little more lively. You would have grown bored with this friend after a while. It's really just the fact that it seems to have been her choice to end the friendship (or maybe just not contact you a until she gets more energy). You need someone who is a little more "there".
Take it for what it is. A social friend and thats it. If she calls again and wants to do something, if you're available and up for it, great. Otherwise, keep looking for more friends.
Thanks, brokencrayola and lucky girl. Definitely I will keep looking for other friends----it's just that I saw enough in this person to want to continue a friendship with her, even though she can't be a BFF type, with her energy level. (When we have gotten together, she has lots of verbal energy and is entertaining and vivacious---it's just the physical energy deficit and the lack of much interest to connect).
I've been trying to just let it go, but for some reason I needed more closure (I laugh at the overuse of this term, but it does seem I needed it). In the past, I would have written a long e-mail stating what a good friend I've been to her and how she doesn't seem to appreciate. I've grown some and was able to just draft and send this:
"Not sure why we have lost touch----I really regret it. If things should change with you in the future and you are up for resuming our friendship, please feel free to do so! But in the meantime, take care....."
This way I'm not actually blaming her, but am noting that I acknowledge that she feels too stressed/busy/tired to do much (anything!) to maintain our friendship, but that it will require something on her part to continue it. I'm happy with the tone I struck. I don't think it's needy or desperate. Just giving her one last chance and letting her know I'd be open to trying in the future.
And now I think I am ready to detach. I've done all that I can do. There is a history of depression and lethargy with her parents (she has made fun of them about this, but she is twenty years younger and is exhibiting similar characteristics). I tried to be there for her, but needed something in return (not necessarily 50-50, but a little more interest and energy put into our friendship).
She's probably one of those who prefers sitting home with her cats to going out. I think it's time to move on if you need friends that want to go out and do things. It's like that, it's a matter of finding those people who have more in common with you. It's okay to let it go - no good or bad.
"Not sure why we have lost touch----I really regret it. If things should change with you in the future and you are up for resuming our friendship, please feel free to do so! But in the meantime, take care....."
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This is perfect! Great job. You left the door open and you have done all you could for her at this time.
Friendships are never 50/50, and sometimes you lose touch for a while only to come back together and find each other again.
She sounds like she was fun but has some serious issues. Unfortunately, unless she wants helps and exerts some effort to get help, it's not going to happen.
There is a great book by Liz Pryor called "What Did I Do Wrong?: What to Do When You Don't Know Why the Friendship Is Over". Great book which helps you look at friendships that are over but you can't figure out what happened.
Wow, You reach out after 18 years and you can't have consideration for her time constraints. It is you, not her. After working w/ kids all day you are peopled out, she just doesn't need you as much as you need friends. I would let it ride....You don't end a friendship because she isn't running w/ you at your beck and call. If you can, it is al about you. Friendship is mutual.
Some ideas though which may help You. Look at opportunities in your area for volunteering. I strongly believe that when we volunteer, we personally get more than we give.
Check into senior centers, meals on wheels, nursing homes, developmentally delayed daycare centers, pubic library, homeless shelters..Many more. There are so many folks that need a friend to just talk to once in awhile. There is nothing more personally enriching than doing selfless volunteering. I think you will be less bored and feel good about yourself, and possibly make some new friends along the way. I encourage you to try this.
Friends are like rivers and you have to go with the flow. I have friends that I consider family that I sometimes go years without seeing or speaking to. It doesn't mean that I don't care about them. They know I'm a workaholic and have very little time to socialize. They also know that if they need me I will drop everything and be there in a heart beat. I wouldn't dismiss her because she doesn't fit into your tight parameters of what a friend should be. Just go with the flow and try not to be so rigid. Every one has a different definition of the word friend. It also helps to have a lot of friends and makes you less dependent on one person.
It sounds like you're trying too hard to construct a friendship instead of letting it happen naturally. I agree with the above poster that you should try to expand your social circle so that you're not so dependent on this person to be there for you.
Luckygirl, thanks. I was pleased with what I wrote. As I said, it's much more evolved than what I would have written even a few months ago.
Trinley, yes, perhaps I am trying too hard----but I think many posters would agree that unless one person tries, nothing happens...and many people aren't willing to try.
Animalcrazy, I do understand what you are saying and agree to some extent, but I'm not sure I could consider anyone a friend/family if we didn't make an effort to speak and get together for several years. I understand about being tired after all day working with kids. Until I retired six years ago from a human service job, I was too drained to do much socializing. I would never expect to get together after she has worked all day. But she doesn't work out a regular eight hour day---just tutors a few hours after school. And she has a day off or two. So to me it isn't unreasonable to make the attempt to get together for lunch or coffee approximately once a month or so on a day off. I don't see it as wanting her to be at my beck and call! And yes, I agree with you that friendship is mutual. That's why with her showing such disinterest over the last few months I have let it die...
JanD, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I didn't reach out 18 years ago. I reached out to this person 18 months ago. She had posted a profile on a social site and I contacted her because I thought we had some things in common. I had never met her before. My point was that I did the initial reaching out----but it has continued with me doing almost all the work...until finally these last few months, all the effort is 100% mine.
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