Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Lots of people on this board complain about their siblings and parents. They describe them as cold, heartless and distant. If you could get inside the heads of these terrible parents what would they say? Do they believe they are cold and distant? Do they think they are good parents? How do they justify their behavior?
Have you ever sat down one on one or in family counseling with cold and distant parents and tried to understand their behavior towards you? What did they say?
They probably make the excuse that they don't know how to express their care or love. Another excuse is that love and care were never demonstrated to them so this cold and distant style of behaving is the norm.
Lots of people on this board complain about their siblings and parents. They describe them as cold, heartless and distant. If you could get inside the heads of these terrible parents what would they say? Do they believe they are cold and distant? Do they think they are good parents? How do they justify their behavior?
Have you ever sat down one on one or in family counseling with cold and distant parents and tried to understand their behavior towards you? What did they say?
Honestly? I suspect that quite a few of the people who complain on these threads about their siblings and parents being cold and distant are really just angry that they haven't gotten their way about something.
The clues lie in what they are complaining about. If the family doesn't come to the funeral or offer condolences when someone loses a spouse; if the family forgets to include someone in a tradition or celebration; if the family doesn't acknowledge someone's child; or the parents neglected the person as a child--and I mean neglect, like not enough food, no medical care, etc., NOT missing a Little League game or paying a ton of money to finance hobbies--that is cold and distant.
If someone is pissy because someone in their family didn't buy them something, go out of their way to do something for them that they could do for themselves just as easily, or acknowledge something that most people would consider to be pretty minor, then that is just self-absorbed brattiness.
Really, you have to take it on a case by case basis.
I think most parents like this wouldn't realise they are being cold or distant. To them their behaviour is perfectly normal and justified and they can't understand why other people find them so difficult to be around.
Perhaps many did not want children in the first place, but felt it was the "normal and human" thing to do, Only realizing upon becoming a parent it is no longer about just them. i am not saying a person who is a parent cannot have a life that is enjoyable. It's just that freedom to do as one pleases,(Go away on a moment's notice) is NOT there anymore. It is stressful for new parent's and this is no secret. No excuse not to take responsibility and not be the best damn parent one can. being a parent, By ALL technical standards while the child is living is not a state that changes. Knew a bunch of folks like this.
Why does someone have to justify their personality at all?
Nobody is going to fulfill our expectations completely and many will be way off the mark. If you find that to be the case with someone in your life then develop other relationships that fit that need.
My parents were cold (never hug or say I love you once my entire life) as well as emotionally and physically abusive. I've learned to accept that's just how they are. They dont need to justify it and I dont need a back story. I distance myself from them as much as possible, since they are often present in a destructive manner.
You'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why they are the way they are. Just let them be themselves and save yourself the heartache of trying to control the situation.
Perhaps many did not want children in the first place, but felt it was the "normal and human" thing to do, Only realizing upon becoming a parent it is no longer about just them. i am not saying a person who is a parent cannot have a life that is enjoyable. It's just that freedom to do as one pleases,(Go away on a moment's notice) is NOT there anymore. It is stressful for new parent's and this is no secret. No excuse not to take responsibility and not be the best damn parent one can. being a parent, By ALL technical standards while the child is living is not a state that changes. Knew a bunch of folks like this.
I think this is it.
My husband's parents aren't totally cold, but they are definitely different from my parents. My in-laws are all about themselves, all the time. They don't call us to ask about our lives, only to tell us about theirs. I know more about my mother in law's job and work issues than I do about my own husband's. When we go to his parents house it is nothing but awkward silence because they don't ask us anything about our lives and we already know all about theirs. It's odd, indeed. When I see and talk to my parents/family the conversation is endless. It seems like there's never enough time to really talk about everything we want to. Even though I am 30 my parents are still happy to do things for me (my dad will change the oil in my car, for example). I do a lot for my parents too (like anything related to electronics and decorating). With my in-laws, it is always us doing for them. Always. If they do/give anything in return it is very minimal.
I think my in-laws had kids because they thought that is what you were supposed to do. They didn't want to give up their lives to do it though and they don't seem to really have any interest at all in their kids. The part I find sad about this is that as a result his family in general is not close. My husband never talks to his siblings on the phone at all and both live in other states so he doesn't see them either. He has no idea if his brother or sister are dating, who their friends are, what their apartments are like, etc. It is very weird to me and I don't enjoy spending time with them as a result. On the other hand, my mom really facilitated things between me and my sisters. When we were far apart distance wise, she'd keep us in the loop about each other and now that we're physically in the same area again, we see one another a lot. I'm just happy my family lives a lot closer than my husband's.
Lots of people on this board complain about their siblings and parents. They describe them as cold, heartless and distant. If you could get inside the heads of these terrible parents what would they say? Do they believe they are cold and distant? Do they think they are good parents? How do they justify their behavior?
Have you ever sat down one on one or in family counseling with cold and distant parents and tried to understand their behavior towards you? What did they say?
Contrary to some on here who believe that it's because we didn't get our way, cold and distant parents are a very real thing.
What would mine say?
Yes, they do think they are very good parents.
Yes, they do think they have done about everything right...they do have their regrets and I was shocked when they admitted one of those regrets to me for what they did to me. (I told her I forgave her and she was so relieved, it was the most feeling I ever got from her.)
They live in a black and white world. It IS or it is NOT. There is no in between.
Do they think they are cold and distant? I believe they do not think that. My dad has NO clue how to show me affection...and that started as soon as I hit puberty. Before that, he showed me affection openly. Once I became a teen...it was like he was embarrassed to hug me. He was embarrassed to say he loved me. That's a little hard to take when you're a teen girl who loves her dad.
My mom tells everyone else on earth how proud she is of things I've done, but never tells me. Ever. EVER! I have no idea why. When I hear from someone that my mom was proud of me for this or that, I'm stunned. "She is?!?!" Why won't she tell me? I don't know. But I'll bet you she doesn't think she's cold and distant.
When it comes to practicality, there is no budging. Every single thing, every last tiny thing that happens to you is your own damn fault. If someone assaults you, they will find a way to blame you for it. I'm not even kidding.
You are to get a job and never leave that job until you retire. If you find another job, even if it pays better, even if it's better for you, you failed because you left your job that you should have had until you were 65.
If your boss rips you off and doesn't pay you correctly to the point that all the employees file a suit, according to them, you will not "see one thin dime". In their eyes, don't even try, wth are you thinking, trying to win your own damn money? Who are you kidding? You're a nothing, they are the employer, they are right.
When you do win and tell them to prove to them that you should always at least TRY, they will say only, "You were lucky". That's it. (True story)
But in their eyes, that is not cold and distant. That's just practical. In their eyes, "Do not try" IS practical.
Their parents loved them very much. There was a lot of affection on both sides...where the hell did they get their cold, distant nature? I. don't. know. I just know that they would never believe for a second that they are.
Honestly? I suspect that quite a few of the people who complain on these threads about their siblings and parents being cold and distant are really just angry that they haven't gotten their way about something.
The clues lie in what they are complaining about. If the family doesn't come to the funeral or offer condolences when someone loses a spouse; if the family forgets to include someone in a tradition or celebration; if the family doesn't acknowledge someone's child; or the parents neglected the person as a child--and I mean neglect, like not enough food, no medical care, etc., NOT missing a Little League game or paying a ton of money to finance hobbies--that is cold and distant.
If someone is pissy because someone in their family didn't buy them something, go out of their way to do something for them that they could do for themselves just as easily, or acknowledge something that most people would consider to be pretty minor, then that is just self-absorbed brattiness.
Really, you have to take it on a case by case basis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow
Contrary to some on here who believe that it's because we didn't get our way, cold and distant parents are a very real thing.
As I am the only one who mentioned this, I assume this line is aimed at me. All I can say is that some of us know how to read an entire post. Stop being so sensitive and attempting to make snotty snide comments because I dared to disagree with you on another thread. That's just lame.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
