Frustrated with long time friend. (husband, female, male, talks)
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I usually can handle situations with people quite well, having worked in customer service and health care for decades.
But I am having a problem with a long time friend. We're both in our mid 50's, female, known each other since college undergrad days. We live about 300 miles apart, me in Syracuse, she in NYC. We saw each other about 4 years ago, and prior to that it was about a 10 year gap. She's married, and I'm in a relationship.
For about the year, this friend has become increasingly needy. She's been calling me with increasing frequency and expecting me to stay on with her for 1-2 hours. Then after that LONG call, she'll call back the next day and expect to have yet another LONG call. If I cut the call short, she'll call back in a couple of hours. She's now starting to do this on a daily basis. I've been trying to just let the calls hit my voicemail, but if I don't respond, she'll just start calling more, and leaving more voicemails, up to 9 a day, with the message becoming "where are you?"
Additionally, the topics of her calls are becoming equally irritating. She blows things out of proportion at work. If someone says "boo" to her, her feelings get hurt, and she'll talk about it for weeks/months. She also acts like she is going to the poor house, although she and her husband make over $200k a year and generally brags about saving and how much money she has saved. She's becoming increasingly pleased with herself about how cheap she's become, which I've explained to her, is also impacting her status with her employer. She's a doctor, yet refuses to donate any money to charity such as her hospital employer, which reflects poorly on her. Dumb move on her part. She also asks me all the time how much things cost me, how much I have saved, how much I make, how much my bf makes, and what I spend my money on, what my bf spends his money on, how much I have in my retirement accounts, etc. I tell her on those things that I don't discuss but she just keeps at it
The last call I had with her, she asked for me cell number. I refused, she was hurt and asked why not? Told her that you talk to much and will eat up all my minutes. That's the last thing I need, her having my cell number. That was this past Wednesday, she didn't call Thursday at all, but left two hangups on on voicemail.
I am so frustrated with this situation. She doesn't get the social cue that when I don't answer/return her call, that I don't want to deal with her. I am not a mean person, but I cannot cope with her expectation of a long boring yet irritating daily phone call from her. I feel suffocated by this person, and frankly if she can't accept my boundaries, she'll be put out of my life for good. I hate to do this to someone, but if it's my sanity vs her endless need to vent/brag, I have to take care of me. Too bad for her.
You pretty much handled it the way I would/the way I think you should have. It sounds like she's losing her marbles a little bit and is probably lonely in life.
Perhaps, you should take it a step further besides telling her she talks too much. Ask her whats wrong with her? Why does she call you so much? What is she missing in her life? Tell her its affecting your friendship and that you are getting annoyed by it. It might sound harsh but sometimes you have no choice but to tell people how it is and be straight forward.
This is probably going to make me sound just awful...but I've dealt with people like this in the past. They can't take hints, so you're forced to lie. **KNOCK, KNOCK** (on your own door). Hey Sally, I've got someone at the door....I'll call you next week, sometime. Have a great day, buh bye!
You have to set those boundaries and if they refuse to stick to them, it's simply a change of plan. Frankly, I can't handle those one-sided relationships anymore. Mean as it sounds, they either learn to accept the friendship on MY terms or not at all. Wow...that sounds mean. Do what you have to do.
I'm not clear from your post how much you value this friendship. No judgement from me on that, though, but I think its going to determine what you should do at this point.
I would say that if you really care about this person, and you feel that her behavior recently is a great deviation from how you have known her to be all these years, then perhaps plan a face-to-face meeting and sit down with her and tell her you are concerned about her. And then try to find out what is driving this change in her behavior.
If you feel that this change in her behavior is merely an exacerbation of her general personality traits, and this is a situation of "the straw the broke the camel's back" then you will just have to enforce your own boundaries and deal with the fallout, which might mean the friendship will end.
Something doesn't add up about her behavior but I don't know if it's mental health issue, a relationship problem with her husband or something else. However, apparently she's lonely and unhappy and is expecting you, a long-distance friend, to fill a big social hole in her daily life.
Can you guide her towards therapy? I don't know if she needs it but at least the therapist would be paid to listen to her!
What phone company do you have? Find out the features that your phone service comes with. I have Verizon and it comes with different features like call block, call forwarding, do not disturb, etc.
You can always turn your voicemail off or change your number.
You pretty much handled it the way I would/the way I think you should have. It sounds like she's losing her marbles a little bit and is probably lonely in life.
Perhaps, you should take it a step further besides telling her she talks too much. Ask her whats wrong with her? Why does she call you so much? What is she missing in her life? Tell her its affecting your friendship and that you are getting annoyed by it. It might sound harsh but sometimes you have no choice but to tell people how it is and be straight forward.
Im thinking the same, i'd be mailing this woman a bag of marbles
see if she takes the hint
The next time she calls I would go on and on about this wonderful medication I'm taking for depression and how good it makes me feel. It sounds like she has anxiety issues. Do you have caller ID? Or let the answering machine screen your calls and only talk to her when you're up for another draining experience.
I like the idea of talking about your wonderful meds. Have you tried a filabuster? Take over the conversation and empty yourself of every little detail of your life-"I have this plant? Inside my house? And lately? It kind of seems like it's not doing so well? I'm not sure but it seems kind of lifeless, you know? So I went online? And looked up plants?" I'm sure you could do this, just think stream of conciousness. Complain about grocery prices, whatever. As soon as she starts to talk about herself, steer her away and to world events or possible pastimes such as the library.
I think a combo of sounding the same way she does on the phone and your friend the answering machine should do the trick
You can dance all around this problem, but the bottom line is you need to set very clear boundaries with her, and if she ignores you, then end the friendship. Decide how many times a week you can talk to her and for how long. Tell her that you are becoming overwhelmed with these long calls all the time and that you want to set up a call schedule. For example, say I will talk with you one day a week for an hour, maybe even choose the day and time if that works for you. If she ignores this and keeps calling and leaving messages then end the friendship. Change your phone number and be sure it is unlisted. Your sanity is worth more than this relationship. Not answering the phone after tons of calls, making up excuses why you have to hang up etc. is not really addressing the problem. Make it very clear to her that things are going to change for you to be able to continue this friendship. Then the ball is in her court whether she can respect that. If not then move on with your life.
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I refused, she was hurt and asked why not? Told her that you talk to much and will eat up all my minutes. That's the last thing I need, her having my cell number. That was this past Wednesday, she didn't call Thursday at all, but left two hangups on on voicemail.
