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I am curious to hear other stories along this line. I have one of my own.
I have a "life long" (from birth) friend that I was raised with more or less as a "sister". We are both only children and our moms were best friends.
I am "along in years", so this story has a history, but most of it involves the last 20 years when she married a "creep". There, I said it. This guy is definitely creepy. No personality, negative, even creepy looking. Remember "Lurch"? I hate to say it, but sort of like that. Someone who when you are around them you just feel icky.
I remember over 20 years ago when she was dating him and I just could not for the life of me see what she saw in this guy even then. He was just nasty and negative in every way. The total opposite of her.
She was one of those women who somehow thought something was "wrong" with her because she was in her late 30s and single. So I think that is what set her off to seeking someone, anyone, to marry. And she picked a doozy.
Anyway, I moved away from the area (2 hours away) and our lives progressed. I married and have a happy relationship and have married friends and single friends. I am friends with both them and their husbands, in all cases.
Not so this other friend. I had tried over the years to befriend her spouse, to visit them in their home, or just to visit her, and everything is different. He hides in the basement when we visit, does not speak when he does come out, and then just addresses her, offering no acknowledgement of my presence.
Like I said, no personality. My DH said "it is like no one is home" in this creep's eyes. Just vacant and dull. She has more or less lived seperately from him in the house: seperate beds, TV, friends, interests. Yes, there was time when she confided in me, but that was about 10 years ago. Since then she just goes through the motions. Reminds me of the Stepford wives, I swear!
To make a long story short, I have basically lost this relationship due to her marrying this creep. I wonder how her other friends experience him, but I will never know as I would never dare ask. I don't think things are all "rosy" there, but she seems deep in denial and over the years has told me stuff about dealing with his behaviors and attitude, but no more.
She quite responding to my attempts to reach out as a friend over a year ago. Maybe a phone call every 6 months, a text response of a word or two if I initiate it. No more emails. Just a loss of interest in her part on remaining life long friends.
I've gone through the stages of grief and letting go, but still feel sad that it has come to this. I feel if she had not hooked up with this guy that I would still have my lifelong "sister" through old age, which is fast approaching.
I don't need any advice re this whole situation. Just wanted to share and see if others had gone through this kind of loss in their life due to life long friends marrying poorly.
Could it be that your friend's husband is abusive when others are not around? It's not uncommon for abusers to present a very different face to outsiders than they do within the family, and your description of your friend's marriage raises a number of red flags. It sounds as if he may be deliberately isolating her. Her flattening of personality may be an unconscious response to verbal and/or emotional abuse. His own behavior certainly sounds very odd. Their maintaining a separation within their house may be another tell-tale sign.
Does your friend work outside the home? Could you contact her there, perhaps take her out to lunch without her husband being around, and find out what's going on? Does she have any relatives nearby or even at a distance, to whom she is close? What about her husband - does he have relatives? Does he work outside the home? Do they have children?
Another possibility might be that your friend's husband is in the early stages (or even middle stages) of Alzheimer's - the flat affect, not addressing you (does he remember your name?), etc. could be attributed to this. Or mental illness might be involved - is your friend of a generation in which this might be viewed as shameful, or somehow reflecting badly upon her?
I see you don't want advice, but here's some anyway: whatever you do, continue to reach out to your friend, even if you don't get any response. You might be a lifeline to her...
He's just odd and withdrawn and she is the exact opposite
I know all the abuse signs..trained in that
She basically lives a seperate, outgoing lifestyle out of the house with friends, etc. I am just no longer included in that circle after 50+ years
She's got money too-lots of it-and our family has struggled over the past few years. She was never there for me as a friend, tho I never asked for help. Likewise, she refused my attempts to reach out in friendship to her. I quit trying years ago.
Don't read into my story, share yours if you have lost a friend due to their marrying. That is all this is about.
He's just odd and withdrawn and she is the exact opposite
I know all the abuse signs..trained in that
Then you realize why your description of your friend's situation sends up red flags.
She basically lives a seperate, outgoing lifestyle out of the house with friends, etc. I am just no longer included in that circle after 50+ years
Do you want to restore your friendship with this person?
She's got money too-lots of it-and our family has struggled over the past few years. She was never there for me as a friend, tho I never asked for help. Likewise, she refused my attempts to reach out in friendship to her. I quit trying years ago.
If she was "never there for you as a friend", refused your "attempts to reach out in friendship", and you "quit trying years ago", why is it important to you to find examples of similar friendships which seem to have ended as a result of one party marrying someone the other party perceives as a bad match? Do you think her husband is responsible for your friend's less-than-friendly behavior you describe? And what does money or lack thereof have to do with friendship?
Don't read into my story, share yours if you have lost a friend due to their marrying. That is all this is about.
Just trying to understand what's going on, as your description of this couple did raise red flags. When I see those, I am obligated to express my concerns. What you do with those concerns is your business.
I am glad to know that you seem very sure that your friend is not being abused or that her husband is suffering from Alzheimer's or any mental disorder, as many things in your initial post seem to imply that any of these things might well be possible.
I have had friends who married people about whom I had doubts, and yes, it did affect the amount of time we spent together and led to more distance between us. But I never completely lost a friendship because of another person's marriage, although the friendships changed somewhat, as each of us moved in different directions. Still, fondness and shared interests and experiences mean that these friendships continue. Marriage is an intensely personal thing, and it's not uncommon for others to wonder what on earth one person sees in another - yet such couples can be very happy and their marriages solid, as I sometimes have to remind myself.
Is this sort of anecdote what you are looking for from other posters?
I am curious to hear other stories along this line. I have one of my own.
I have a "life long" (from birth) friend that I was raised with more or less as a "sister". We are both only children and our moms were best friends.
I am "along in years", so this story has a history, but most of it involves the last 20 years when she married a "creep". There, I said it. This guy is definitely creepy. No personality, negative, even creepy looking. Remember "Lurch"? I hate to say it, but sort of like that. Someone who when you are around them you just feel icky.
I remember over 20 years ago when she was dating him and I just could not for the life of me see what she saw in this guy even then. He was just nasty and negative in every way. The total opposite of her.
She was one of those women who somehow thought something was "wrong" with her because she was in her late 30s and single. So I think that is what set her off to seeking someone, anyone, to marry. And she picked a doozy.
Anyway, I moved away from the area (2 hours away) and our lives progressed. I married and have a happy relationship and have married friends and single friends. I am friends with both them and their husbands, in all cases.
Not so this other friend. I had tried over the years to befriend her spouse, to visit them in their home, or just to visit her, and everything is different. He hides in the basement when we visit, does not speak when he does come out, and then just addresses her, offering no acknowledgement of my presence.
Like I said, no personality. My DH said "it is like no one is home" in this creep's eyes. Just vacant and dull. She has more or less lived seperately from him in the house: seperate beds, TV, friends, interests. Yes, there was time when she confided in me, but that was about 10 years ago. Since then she just goes through the motions. Reminds me of the Stepford wives, I swear!
To make a long story short, I have basically lost this relationship due to her marrying this creep. I wonder how her other friends experience him, but I will never know as I would never dare ask. I don't think things are all "rosy" there, but she seems deep in denial and over the years has told me stuff about dealing with his behaviors and attitude, but no more.
She quite responding to my attempts to reach out as a friend over a year ago. Maybe a phone call every 6 months, a text response of a word or two if I initiate it. No more emails. Just a loss of interest in her part on remaining life long friends.
I've gone through the stages of grief and letting go, but still feel sad that it has come to this. I feel if she had not hooked up with this guy that I would still have my lifelong "sister" through old age, which is fast approaching.
I don't need any advice re this whole situation. Just wanted to share and see if others had gone through this kind of loss in their life due to life long friends marrying poorly.
Stories?
This happened to me too, only in my case it was with a friend from High School. He went on to marry this very snobby woman, from a foreign country. She basically went on a mission to alienate all of my friends old friends through rudeness, ignoring invitations, not letting him go to basket ball games when we had always done this. None of the other wives complained but this one had real control.
And I know what you mean by the Stepford reference. Sometimes it seems like he's a robot.
Very sad when this happens. As snobby as this woman is, she came from nothing. She is basically a gold digger.
I'm sorry this happened to you and here's a case where I can say "I know how you feel."
I wish I had advice. Consolation maybe that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. It's the only hope I can give you.
I had a cousin who also married a woman who basically set about to cut him off from all family ties. He allowed it to happen and he changed from being an outgoing, sweet guy to a bitter, withdrawn grump. This was 30 years ago and he just dropped off the radar. Talk about ''toxic''!
My friend married an oafish fellow, and I even helped setting them up, without knowing how he was. After a few years I noticed he bristled whenever I was around. Didn't know why, but he would be rude and get offended if I didn't allow him to pick out the table at the restaurant or if I asked if we go to a different restaurant than he normally went to. He would be like a little boy who was mad. I was barely aware of how he was seething until one day at a party he dropped something and then got mad and stood up and berated me for it, and I was standing in the other side of the room. He just exploded and the whole room fell silent. I left. They called and apologized but I refused to talk to him. She told me that is how he is, he feels inferior and explodes to the poor soul who provokes his insecurity and that is how his family is as well. I told her that it wasn't my problem and I would not be allowing myself to be put in that position ever again.
Suddenly I could see his past behavior in this new light. I told my friend that there was no way I would ever be in his company again and if she wanted to remain friends with me that was fine and it was fine if she wanted to call it quits. That was 5 years ago. We have remained casual friends but I still won't be in his presence. I know we would have been closer friends had she married someone else and that is painful. But I think that my insistance on refusing contact with him has had an affect on him and he has rethought his ability to control himself or loose more friends.
I had another close friend I grew up with who after her divorce married a quite well to do fellow and she changed overnight. Going on expensive vacations right and left, moved away and entered his country club world never to be seen again except for an occasional email showing her newest purchase. C'est la vie.
I had a good friend who married a drunk loser. I disliked the guy so much, I refused to be in her wedding and divorced her as a friend.
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