Mom's living with me... and I hate it! (inlaws, affection, girls)
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have some respect for me,as another member and stop with the "you're acting like a know it all". I'm entitled to respond to the OP with my own opinion ,just as you are. You don't really need to critique me and resort to name calling.
I did not address anything directly to YOU so was not talking to you.
IF the OP ever rejoins the thread,then she can respond.
I would love for her mom to join the thread and give her side of the story. There are always 2.
You misquoted me, in bold even. Nice.
Are you of the opinion that forum members are not allowed to or not supposed to respond to or comment about other users' comments? My understanding and observation is different. But I'd be glad to read the rules.
Or do you image the online forum as if it were a large room, with the OP sitting at the "head" of the room, facing a large audience, and audience members are only allowed to make eye contact with and speak directly to the OP? That seems to be what you're saying, in response to my comment, ironically.
Of course, since your perfect loving parents live with you most of the year, they'd be sitting along side you nodding in approval at everything you say, marvelling at how well you turned out. I bet that feels good. The OP has a different situation though.
1. Change your attitude.
2. Giving you money every month toward groceries and utilities is a responsible action. Keeping the house clean, cooking and running errands frees up a tremendous amount of energy and comfort for you.
3.Your blaming you mom for why you don't have a life. You're a grown woman. If you want to date or bring friends to your house, do it. You mom keeps the house clean and cooks. You get to invite friends to a clean house with the possibility of a nice dinner. The negative view of "living with your parents" is something you have decided in your mind. Your mother lives with you in your place. She needs help if she's older with no savings and retirement. Why withhold this information?
4. Don't the guys you date have a place of their own? Spend more time there and let your mother have some time at your place alone. Maybe the mental and physical space alone will help her regroup and figure out how she wants to go about things.
5.Stop fighting with her and thinking she's treating you like a child etc... Do any of her opinions or criticisms have merit? She is your mother and raised you alone from a toddler. She does know you. Think honestly about this. If they don't have any merit let it go. If it doesn't apply , let it fly.
6.Rework this situation and turn it around for your benefit. Work hard at the positives in your life and maybe you'll end up with a promotion and a fiance. Then you'll move out and your mom can have the apartment.
This is simply food for thought. Good luck to you!
+ 1
I can appreciate this food for thought because it doesn't take the moralistic stance of "admiring" a philosophy and actually does help to provide the other side perspective.
Either way, the OP needs to decide what living situation works for her. Having a one bdrm apt and having to share that with a person, especially one who is difficult, does a lot to strain a person's patience-- so that's pretty understandable. If there is conflict some perspective and space will do a lot to diffuse a situation. OP just needs to be brave and find the way to make this work for both her and her mother... whether it be a tough love or talking it out solution.
I would hire a social worker - you have the initial session, then bring your mom in at which time give her notice to move (30 days or whatever is "fair"). You are entitled to your life.
THIS ^^^. I have a lot of empathy for you. My mother has lived with me for more than seven years. But she is 86, has physical disabilities, and can no longer drive. I don't know how old your mother is, but this could possibly be her future and then she won't have to guilt you to let her move in. You'll do it yourself and then you'll be a caretaker in addition to all your own personal responsibilities. You have a right to have at least a couple of decades to make a real life for yourself.
As for your mother "pitching in" for food and utilities SHE'S USING THOSE THINGS. This is not a "contribution," this is her debt to you. If she tries to imply that you "owe" this to her because she raised you, I remind you that you didn't ask to be born. And once someone gives birth, they are morally and legally obligated to raise their child for a minimum of 18 years. After all the time she's depended on you for basic needs, you have more than repaid anything she did for you above and beyond her legal obligations. In fact, I'm not even sure she was providing you with basic needs. It sounds possible you were both living off your child support.
The fact that your mother has alienated every other relative you have, and threatens suicide when you tell her she has to leave your house, indicates to me that she has serious psychological issues. She is not just lazy or inept. Her issues needed to be addressed years ago but since they were not, now's the time. The details of your story make it clear she has the psychological make-up of people who become homeless when they don't need to be. It's very hard for me to imagine what that kind of thinking process that is, but the streets of most major cities are filled with people who can't keep a roof over their heads. Some of them are schizophrenic and some are chronic drug and alcohol abusers (you haven't indicated your mother has any of those problems). But there are people in her state among the homeless, too. They have abused all family help to the point that they have no options left.
There IS help available for the homeless. And that's really what your mother is, since she has no home other than what she coerces family members to give her. Whether or not your mother is willing to admit it, she needs some serious structure in getting back in the job market and learning how to live within her means. Some of the resources for the homeless involve this kind of training. It's likely she's too proud to admit that this what she needs, but it is.
Depending on how old your mother is, you/she might be eligible for free help from your area's assistance program for older citizens. Where I live, it's a County Council on Aging and people over 60 are eligible. If your mother is not yet whatever age is the minimum where you live, I'd still start with a call to their hotline. They should be able to direct you to some other appropriate social service agency.
I think your first goal should be to get, as imcurious suggested, first a session for you to determine what YOUR needs are. Then a joint session(s) with you and mom to begin to hash out what her future will be. It will be very hard for her to act out in front of a professional because if she threatens suicide in a situation like that, she'll be sent to a psych facility for an evaluation (which may not be a bad outcome).
When I became, after four years, overwhelmed with the challenge of being with my mother 24/7, I called my Council on Aging hotline. I got a free session with an excellent trained social worker who not only offered me options for my fragile mental state, but laid out what my options were for getting my mother appropriate activities that would enable me to have some down time. As you can see, I feel your pain. I understand how draining it is that you have no privacy. And you can't have normal social relationships when you can't invite people into your home and you cannot spend any of your spare funds on vacations or basic entertainment.
I know you feel the serious pain you're in, but perhaps you have yet to admit how serious your mother's chaos is and how unlikely she is to do anything to take care of herself. She has herself convinced that all her crises are someone else's fault so, to her, these situations are temporary and she will be magically in a new and better state at any moment. And to some degree, everyone in your family has bought into this fantasy. She doesn't have the honesty you have shown to admit that your financial problems were your own fault and the gumption to take steps to address that.
Everyone in your family has had their generosity abused and your mother has paid no price for this. This situation will be permanent unless you make the heroic effort to change it. Don't feel guilty about doing it. Your mother is not helpless, as mine is, but she is mentally disabled.
You have a right to have this time of your life be your own. I was lucky to have freedom and choices when I was your age, so the sacrifice I'm making now has not been my whole life. I don't want this confining lifestyle to be yours for the rest of your mother's life.
it has everything to do with the OP or anyone in the same situation. Respect for the elders. Rarely seen in the U.S. but an integral part of the Asian culture; where the elders are revered and all live together in harmony. Pity it isn't catching on here.
My parents live with me most of the year. Whenever they want to-they stay here. They raised me,loved me and best of all they taught me to respect my elders. They don't hinder me at all.
Dear PippySkiddles, re: the comment above,
For people to expect to live a private life after they leave their parents' home has become the American way, even if you would prefer that we keep the Old World model. The great thing about this being a free country is that you are free to honor your parents any way you wish. But other people are not inherently cruel or evil if they don't share your attitude or adopt your behavior.
You know perfectly well that I don't neglect my parents — I've written here extensively about my challenges. I was devoted to my father when he was dying and I now have had my disabled mother living with me for nearly eight years. No one could possibly say I don't show respect for my elders. But I did not interact with my parents every day when they were of the age to be independent adults and I wouldn't have. Furthermore, they would not have wanted me to be engaged with them every day of the year. They made their own way in the world and they raised me to make my own way. If they had had the mental problems the OP's mother exhibits, or if they were alcoholics or abusers, I would certainly try to help them, but I would feel no obligation to FIX THEM, make their issues my own permanently, or even take care of things they could be taking care of themselves. That's what psychologists call "co-dependence" and I agree with them.
If you don't feel your parents "hinder" you at all, that's your perception OF YOUR LIFE and I'm happy for you and them. But that's not how the OP feels, it's not how I feel, and it's not right for you to take "pity" on us because we don't embrace the ways of Asians, Italians, or millionaire movie stars.
it has everything to do with the OP or anyone in the same situation. Respect for the elders. Rarely seen in the U.S. but an integral part of the Asian culture; where the elders are revered and all live together in harmony. Pity it isn't catching on here.
My parents live with me most of the year. Whenever they want to-they stay here. They raised me,loved me and best of all they taught me to respect my elders. They don't hinder me at all.
An addition here, in response to this particular post... Has it not also been known, in certain sectors of "Asian" culture, for young girls to be prostituted, in order to help support their families? Those girls would NEVER dream of disrespecting their "elders" by refusing, would they? Is/was it not also customary for young girls to be married off to old men, in order that they NOT be a burden to their families, but rather, financially able to care for their less wealthy or unhealthy family members? Are/were unfortunate "mixed" children of women who were "used" by foreign solders still shunned by much of the "pure" Asian members of society? Hmmm perhaps we Americans should embrace ALL of the Asian customs and culture? ...or hey, maybe we could just cherry-pick.
Again, a great many parents don't deserve to be revered OR respected. The best and most humane thing that some people can do is simply walk away and never see or speak to them again.
In my opinion, one of the very worst reasons to bring children into the world is because you want free care-givers for yourself or expect they will always be handy as your last-resort roommates, when no one else wants you around, your kids will have to have you.
It's fine to live with your children or have your children live with you as long as it's a happy relationship and not using family as people you can take advantage of. It should be by invitation - just like it would be with anyone else. You as an adult don't just show up on your kids or your parents doorsteps figuring they can have no say in the matter. It's okay to work out some roommate arrangement with a relative. Sometimes finding a bigger apartment with separate rooms or a shared home can work -- it sounds like in the OP's case, mom moved in to take over her couch and didn't care one iota about her daughter's privacy or need to make her own life.
And those parents who believe in the Old World ways should think twice about coming here because very likely their children will pick up some of the independence and cultural ways of this country and not want to live like they would have to somewhere else.
I realize that I don't know your mother, but that sounds an awful lot like Borderline Personality Disorder. I would recommend that you take a look at this book:
I love my mom to death and she is truly my best friend, but I wouldn't want to share a one bedroom apartment with her. And my mom is responsible with money and would do her best to be respectful and give me my personal space as best as she could if we were in that situation.
Your mom is an adult. I don't think you should feel responsible for her. I don't have any great advice, but I don't think you're overreacting or you should just deal with it. Your mom needs to get out of your place and learn how to be self sufficient. Maybe some tough love is in order here.
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