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Let me start off by saying that I love my family with all my heart. I have two older brothers and one older sister. I am the baby of the family.
I used to have very good relationship with my sister until she got married. She is now incredibly needy and clingy.
Her husband has cheated on her at least three times with three different women. Under normal circumstances, I would stay out of her business because obviously, she is a grown adult and made a conscious choice of marrying her unfaithful husband.
My brothers and I had shown her unconditional love and my parents did all they could to help. We have family businesses and she never offered to help out.
Her husband has quit his job as a college professor because he "cannot get along with his colleagues." My sister is always a stay at home mother and now their family finance is suffering. My parents are giving them $3000/month because they refuse to work.
I have lost respect towards my own sister. I cannot believe she chose to stay in that abusive relationship and never had the courage to leave. She and her husband look like two pathetic losers who are in this highly toxic codependent relationship.
My question to you is: How do I cope with the pain of disliking my own sister? Should I move on with my own life and stay away from her or should I knock some senses in her head? She doesn't work, her husband doesn't work. He keeps on cheating on her and using my parents' money. I am so sick of these two. How do you cope with the feeling of disliking somebody whom you also love with all your heart?
You stay out out of it and move on with your own life. You can't knock sense into someone. Basically as the old saying goes, you can't fix stupid. Your sister knows what is going on, she chooses to accept it.
Whatever the reasons, she is co-dependent . She got herself into the mess, she'll have to get herself out of it in one way or another. If she wants to, of course, and she maybe content to go on like this.
Rather, you might like to try to work on your parents. They are causing the situation to continue. By enabling the sister & husband, then are letting the mess fester. And fester it will forever. Obviously, they're worried for the children involved.
Perhaps you could discuss with them how to slowly disengage from supporting that family. Maybe giving sis and her husband a time line to get jobs and become self supporting, while they slowly start to draw down the amount they give them each month. Say start at three thousand this month and go down to zero in a year's time.
I suspect it won't work. Sis and her hubby will hold the kids hostage to keep the cash cow flowing and may call your parents bluff. Much depends on how strong your parents are.
However, it's all a moot point as this whole situation is out of your hands. Sometimes, all you can do is throw your hands up in the air, shake your head in disbelief and walk away. At the same time you leave the door open for your sister if she ever does come to her senses and wants help with counseling or wants to leave. As far as their day to day life now and in the near future, just stay out of it. It will only make you upset, while sis and hubby go on their merry way. People can't make you miserable unless you let them.
I agree with Willow's suggestion about talking to your parents, and, to a certain extent about staying out of it.
However, I would take my sister out and have a long, heartfelt discussion with her one-on-one, first.
My suggestion is to go somewhere public (so she'll be less inclined to cause a scene), and just ask her open-ended questions that force her to really think about her situation. You can open by telling her that you love her very much, and that you wanted to spend some time with her because it seems like she's going through a really tough time. See what she says and take it from there. She may just need to talk it through with someone she loves and trusts, because she may be feeling beaten down and incapable, not to mention ashamed of both her situation and he inability to leave it.
I mean, you know your sister better than we do, but you might be surprised at how she feels about herself and her own actions in all of this. You might be able to suss out whether he is putting her up to taking your parents' money or coercing her in any way.
Regardless, chances are she won't leave unless she feels she has a safe place to go and the support of those she loves. So here's your chance to make her understand that she has that support from you. You can offer non-monetary help to her, like helping her put together a resume or giving her resources to help her find work. If you're close by, and depending on your work hours, maybe you could babysit the kids while she goes on a job interview or gets counseling.
If she still continues to sabotage her own life by staying with him, that's when you throw your hands up and walk away. But at least then you can say you tried to help, too.
My question to you is: How do I cope with the pain of disliking my own sister? Should I move on with my own life and stay away from her or should I knock some senses in her head? She doesn't work, her husband doesn't work. He keeps on cheating on her and using my parents' money. I am so sick of these two. How do you cope with the feeling of disliking somebody whom you also love with all your heart?
Don't bother knocking some sense in her head. It looks like your parents are in need of it though. Seriously, 3K a month to someone refusing to work? Oy, I think all of us would like that deal. However, that's your parents' situation with your sister.
Just move on and be grateful that you're not a drain to your parents. Your sister may or may not wake up, but you shouldn't hold up your life for that issue. Pity your sister because she's made a hot mess of her life.
Honestly, I'd lose all respect for my parents for giving people like that monthly infusions of $3K. They're not helping your sister, and their enabling behavior makes me think that maybe that's why shes staying in the relationship partially.
She's married to someone who's either a narcissist or has a mental health disorder. But she might have one too. Talk to her, as others here have suggested. But leave it at that and get on with your own life. You can be there for her if she decides to turn herself around.
Wow, I'd be more inclined to be angry with your parents than your sister. They are enabling this behavior! I have someone like this in my family. She just doesn't want to work or take responsibility for her decisions and she gets enough help from other people that she doesn't have to. What can you really say to her that will make any difference? If she didn't leave after the first round of cheating, or the second, or the THIRD, then is a sisterly chat really going to make any difference? I tend to think some people enjoy the drama of situations like those and they really don't feel any remorse letting someone else take care of their living expenses. I'd distance myself and stay the heck out of it. I doubt she'll ever change.
Good suggestions here and I am basically repeating what has been said.
Try to talk privately to your sister alone in public somewhere. It will probably do you no good. You need to distance yourself from her since she is an adult.
If the situation stays the same, distance yourself from her and your parents. Your parents should not be supporting a family like this as you already know (and you know many more details best anyway).
Just keep in mind, your parents are enablers of "their" awful behavior (avoiding work) by agreeing to pay money out each month. It is very sad that children are caught in the middle of these toxic "relationships."
Let me start off by saying that I love my family with all my heart. I have two older brothers and one older sister. I am the baby of the family.
I used to have very good relationship with my sister until she got married. She is now incredibly needy and clingy.
Her husband has cheated on her at least three times with three different women. Under normal circumstances, I would stay out of her business because obviously, she is a grown adult and made a conscious choice of marrying her unfaithful husband.
My brothers and I had shown her unconditional love and my parents did all they could to help. We have family businesses and she never offered to help out.
Her husband has quit his job as a college professor because he "cannot get along with his colleagues." My sister is always a stay at home mother and now their family finance is suffering. My parents are giving them $3000/month because they refuse to work.
I have lost respect towards my own sister. I cannot believe she chose to stay in that abusive relationship and never had the courage to leave. She and her husband look like two pathetic losers who are in this highly toxic codependent relationship.
My question to you is: How do I cope with the pain of disliking my own sister? Should I move on with my own life and stay away from her or should I knock some senses in her head? She doesn't work, her husband doesn't work. He keeps on cheating on her and using my parents' money. I am so sick of these two. How do you cope with the feeling of disliking somebody whom you also love with all your heart?
I just put up a wall with people like that. I let them know how I feel and what I believe they should do, and I do not FINANCE grown friggin' adults who ought be supporting themselves! "Your problems are YOUR problems. YOU are the ones who made them. Your problems are not MY problems. Sorry you're having a bad day. Start earning a paycheck and things will get so much better for you. "
Personally, I don't like to hide feelings. It KILLS me to have to be phony...pretend everything's just FINE...have something I've been wanting to say to someone SOOOO bad, that I end up walking away from the encounter, sick to my stomach from adrenaline and repulsion...that once again I didn't put it out on the table!!!!!!
Nope! I don't do that NOOOO more! When I've got something to say, I just SAY it. There's no more sitting around, wondering what the reaction would be. It's just OUT there.
If she gets ticked and won't talk to you, problem solved. If she listens to you and gets rid of the F**ktard....problem SOLVED!
OMG...and please try to talk some sense into your PARENTS! Are you kidding me?! They're forking out $3,000/mo, on the deadbeat losers? OMG! Hm...tolerating their nonsense and paying them for not working.....and their daughter tolerates her husband's nonsense and stays with him. Wonder when she got the idea?
My question to you is: How do I cope with the pain of disliking my own sister? Should I move on with my own life and stay away from her or should I knock some senses in her head? She doesn't work, her husband doesn't work. He keeps on cheating on her and using my parents' money. I am so sick of these two. How do you cope with the feeling of disliking somebody whom you also love with all your heart?
She has kids with him. He is a smart charming guy. It's not that easy to just pack your bag and leave.
You're not in her shoes. You can't fully understand.
You do well, have a functional social life, and flourish. Your doing well will be a comfort to your parents who must be beside themselves because of their daughter. But you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, so you work, socialize, have a family in a responsible manner.
On how you feel about your sister, I'd say she might need support right now. Sure she stayed in a bad relationship, but it is possible that her husband has used psychological abuse to make sure she stays the way he wants her. You might want to signal that you will be there for her if she decides to make a break with him. Doing so might be really hard for her.
But stay on speaking terms with everyone. Your family does not need any more drama than what is already there. I wonder if your parents are worried and wondering what to do about this situation. You didn't mention their role in this except to say they are supporting both of them.
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My sister is always a stay at home mother and now their family finance is suffering. My parents are giving them $3000/month because they refuse to work.
Oy, I think all of us would like that deal. However, that's your parents' situation with your sister.
