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I have been assessing my demeanor in social situations more thoroughly recently and I realize that a big issue I have is that I tend to shut down in large groups. This is not always ideal because it prevents me from forming future relationships. Anyway, I think the main reason I feel this way is because I do not thrive on small talk and hold superficiality in very low regard in general. I often sense people putting on fronts and feel like many interactions are pretty baseless and involve too much beating around the bush. I am an introverted person but I thoroughly enjoy meaningful interactions. The issue is that I have a hard time infiltrating into social situations to enjoy these discussions due to what I believe is an undesirable ambience. I am not pretentious and would like to have more success in relationships but I still seem to practice the same habits by default. I feel like having more comfort in large groups, even though I may not always desire them, would benefit me in the future. What are your experiences with this dynamic? Any insight is appreciated.
I tend to shut down in large groups. This is not always ideal because it prevents me from forming future relationships.
If you're an introvert I find it strange that you would you choose large group settings as a way to find potential friends rather than smaller group settings. If you appear ill-at-ease and bored, you're not giving off the right vibe for people to want to get to know you better.
I wouldn't go jumping right into diagnosing the OP with a developmental disorder. Lots of us are uncomfortable in large group situations (most introverts and shy extraverts). And lots of us introverts disdain small-talk but are fine with meaningful discussion.
Anyway, I guess my advice would depend on the setting; what is this "large group"? If you're talking a big bar full of people drinking and socializing, that's one thing. If you're talking an open-mingling period at a professional conference or workplace event, that's something else.
As I mentioned in another thread recently, I had to develop my small-talk skills in order to get a better result from professional relationships, and in order to feel more comfortable in big social gatherings (like a wedding for instance). I still can't stand small-talk, and I stay away from talking about celebrities, sports, trash-TV, and the stuff many people seem to small-talk about.
But I am very up on news and current events, so I could always find someone who is also knowledgeable to chat with. I'm a big history buff, and I would challenge myself to find 1-2 other people who could also talk about history. I love my pets, so I can be sure to find a couple other dog people or cat people at any event. It might still be small talk, but it's more meaningful small talk. If it's a professional setting, I learned to small-talk about issues that affect our professional field. I tend to be able to make jokes a lot, usually jokes that require some knowledge, so I found that rather than keeping the jokes to myself and making myself laugh inside (which I had always done), I could share those jokes and crack people up. After a bit of practice, I found that people could walk away from an interaction with me feeling like I was friendly, outgoing, and entertaining, when I would never describe myself that way.
I found it was also important to not be fake--the things I talked about and the jokes I made were really "me." I think acting fake can be draining, even more draining than the social situation itself can be to an introvert. Of course in the beginning of practicing, there's a little "playing a role," but just make sure the "role" is still you, just a you with more to say. I used to play a game in my head, mentally drawing a circle around people in the room, saying I will have at least one conversation with each of them, and then mentally checking them off my list. It was kind of arbitrary, people with blue shirts on for example, or one fat person/ one skinny person, or one old person/ one young person. In a room of like 75-100 people, set a goal of how many you'll talk to; start with 5, then ratchet it up to maybe 20.
Also, remember that social people love to talk, so if you just learn to listen to them, many of them will think you're wonderful, even if you ended up hardly saying a word. Develop some active listening skills, nodding, making facial expressions at what they say, occasionally saying "really?" or "wow I didn't know that." Talkers eat that up, and they start to think that you're a super friendly person. Yes, a lot of what they yammer about can be excruciatingly tedious, but if you learn to suck it up and deal with it, life gets a lot easier, both in the workplace and socially. Just make sure you give yourself adequate time alone to recharge after such draining social activity.
It does get easier. I think of it kind of like working-out. The more reps you do, the stronger your "social muscles" get. It's never actually enjoyable to us introverts (like I never find exercise particularly enjoyable either), but the benefits we get from these little workouts make things easier in other parts of our lives. I can still be a happy introvert with tons of time to myself, but I can now handle the "mandatory fun" social situations much better.
As a fellow introvert, I can sympathize. I too often feel uncomfortable in large groups. I feel way more comfortable in smaller, more intimate groups.
But I would say you would really benefit from learning to step back a bit and learn to embrace small talk. It really is a skill, and goes a long way in getting to know people. Yeah, sure, some of it is superficial, but so what? Life is not all serious and intellectual. In social settings, a lot of people (even those who enjoy intellectual conversations) just want to have fun.
I've read some of your other posts. I think the first step for you would be changing the way you look at people. Stop worrying about others in your age group being trendy or abrasive, etc. Be open to seeing the good in people even if you think less of them for wearing clothes from a chain store in the mall. There is a pattern to some of your posts. You say you are not pretentious but you do come across that way in some of your posts.
I'm also introverted but not as much as I used to be. In part that is because of my job. One of the soft skills necessary for me to be better in my job is the ability to make some small talk. Some times it is something I really almost have to cue myself to do, when I know for others it comes more naturally.
I also try to take ownership for my choices. If I decline going to an event a coworker has invited me to because it is a function I might feel awkward at, that is my choice, and I may have impeded a potential friendship by declining. I knew a long term introvert whose wife was bemoaning that fact that no one was there to support her husband when he was going through difficult times. She refused to admit that her husband had a role in cultivating and nurturing friendships as well.
I wouldn't go jumping right into diagnosing the OP with a developmental disorder. Lots of us are uncomfortable in large group situations (most introverts and shy extraverts). And lots of us introverts disdain small-talk but are fine with meaningful discussion.
Anyway, I guess my advice would depend on the setting; what is this "large group"? If you're talking a big bar full of people drinking and socializing, that's one thing. If you're talking an open-mingling period at a professional conference or workplace event, that's something else.
As I mentioned in another thread recently, I had to develop my small-talk skills in order to get a better result from professional relationships, and in order to feel more comfortable in big social gatherings (like a wedding for instance). I still can't stand small-talk, and I stay away from talking about celebrities, sports, trash-TV, and the stuff many people seem to small-talk about.
But I am very up on news and current events, so I could always find someone who is also knowledgeable to chat with. I'm a big history buff, and I would challenge myself to find 1-2 other people who could also talk about history. I love my pets, so I can be sure to find a couple other dog people or cat people at any event. It might still be small talk, but it's more meaningful small talk. If it's a professional setting, I learned to small-talk about issues that affect our professional field. I tend to be able to make jokes a lot, usually jokes that require some knowledge, so I found that rather than keeping the jokes to myself and making myself laugh inside (which I had always done), I could share those jokes and crack people up. After a bit of practice, I found that people could walk away from an interaction with me feeling like I was friendly, outgoing, and entertaining, when I would never describe myself that way.
I found it was also important to not be fake--the things I talked about and the jokes I made were really "me." I think acting fake can be draining, even more draining than the social situation itself can be to an introvert. Of course in the beginning of practicing, there's a little "playing a role," but just make sure the "role" is still you, just a you with more to say. I used to play a game in my head, mentally drawing a circle around people in the room, saying I will have at least one conversation with each of them, and then mentally checking them off my list. It was kind of arbitrary, people with blue shirts on for example, or one fat person/ one skinny person, or one old person/ one young person. In a room of like 75-100 people, set a goal of how many you'll talk to; start with 5, then ratchet it up to maybe 20.
Also, remember that social people love to talk, so if you just learn to listen to them, many of them will think you're wonderful, even if you ended up hardly saying a word. Develop some active listening skills, nodding, making facial expressions at what they say, occasionally saying "really?" or "wow I didn't know that." Talkers eat that up, and they start to think that you're a super friendly person. Yes, a lot of what they yammer about can be excruciatingly tedious, but if you learn to suck it up and deal with it, life gets a lot easier, both in the workplace and socially. Just make sure you give yourself adequate time alone to recharge after such draining social activity.
It does get easier. I think of it kind of like working-out. The more reps you do, the stronger your "social muscles" get. It's never actually enjoyable to us introverts (like I never find exercise particularly enjoyable either), but the benefits we get from these little workouts make things easier in other parts of our lives. I can still be a happy introvert with tons of time to myself, but I can now handle the "mandatory fun" social situations much better.
aspergers? I'm a psych major this was discussed as a major symptom from people on the autistic spectrum(not saying you are!) Just a possibility.
There has been some speculation on whether or not I have "high functioning" Aspergers, but I really think the whole diagnosis thing is quite silly and trite. If you were to observe me from a distance, you wouldn't notice anything remotely off kilter besides the fact that I am a little quieter. I don't think putting labels on someone because they don't fit the "ideal" behavioral structure is almost amoral and is often used as a tactic by doctors and therapists to make you pay for therapy and/or medications. This is not always the case, but regardless it is nothing I am interested in. There is also the logic vs emotion argument, where people who tend to be more logical and less emotional are labeled as Aspergers because they have a hard time reading social cues. Once again, it is undesirable to throw labels on people unless they genuienly are incapable of executive functioning.
Ok. One thing I have noticed is you tend to come off as very stiff in your interactions and your choice of words is a little strange and stilted. In a lot of cases it seems like you are trying to throw "big words" out there to show people how intellectual you are, but in reality it just comes off as strange.
Like this: "The issue is that I have a hard time infiltrating into social situations to enjoy these discussions due to what I believe is an undesirable ambience. I am not pretentious and would like to have more success in relationships but I still seem to practice the same habits by default. I feel like having more comfort in large groups, even though I may not always desire them, would benefit me in the future."
and this: "Once again, it is undesirable to throw labels on people unless they genuienly are incapable of executive functioning."
Your situation won't change much even when/if you move to a different area. Small talk is a fact of life, and I find it better to enjoy it and enjoy short small conversations, even thought it is "superficial" in your mind. You say you are not pretentious, but you are. You seem to write off anyone who talks about anything other than serious, intellectual conversations as being superficial, tedious, and just hold a general disdain for them. If people are at a social event, in general they want to have fun.
In a nutshell: there is nothing wrong with wanting to have intellectual conversations. There is nothing wrong with being trendy.
Even in book clubs, for example, when they are set up initially because people want to have a conversation with others about books they are reading. However, usually these end up being monthly get-to-gethers to drink wine and talk about what is going on in each others lives. And you know what, it is O.K.
There has been some speculation on whether or not I have "high functioning" Aspergers, but I really think the whole diagnosis thing is quite silly and trite. If you were to observe me from a distance, you wouldn't notice anything remotely off kilter besides the fact that I am a little quieter. I don't think putting labels on someone because they don't fit the "ideal" behavioral structure is almost amoral and is often used as a tactic by doctors and therapists to make you pay for therapy and/or medications. This is not always the case, but regardless it is nothing I am interested in. There is also the logic vs emotion argument, where people who tend to be more logical and less emotional are labeled as Aspergers because they have a hard time reading social cues. Once again, it is undesirable to throw labels on people unless they genuienly are incapable of executive functioning.
It's just another example of the common tendency to try to pathologize us introverts.
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