People who joke/use sarcasm ALL the time (husband, person, present)
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You know those people who are ALWAYS joking and being sarcastic? You can never have a real, authentic, straight forward conversation with them, because they're always "on" and you can never get to the real person underneath the show. People like this drive me nuts.
I've been trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. I know that many people use humor as a giant defense mechanism. Like other defense mechanisms, it keeps people from getting close to the "real" self which is damaged or fearful in some way. But for me, in my life, I really value honesty and truth in all relationships. If you always have a mask on, how are you supposed to get to know and connect with other people? How will you ever actually work out your demons if you won't even let yourself be vulnerable enough to try? How can anything really grow between two people if one of them isn't even actually present?
I don't understand why people would want to stunt the growth of their relationships, and their own personal growth, by refusing to be who they really are. It doesn't make sense to me, and I come away from interactions with this kind of person feeling exhausted.
They are usually very shallow and that is how they deflect any unwanted attention, put others on the defensive first, show their superiority, and can't be cornered with facts. I find these people very intriguing and easy to manipulate once I get the feel of their routine and games.
They are usually very shallow and that is how they deflect any unwanted attention, put others on the defensive first, show their superiority, and can't be cornered with facts. I find these people very intriguing and easy to manipulate once I get the feel of their routine and games.
Good point. I'd imagine once you beat them at their own game, they'd just crumble because there's nothing of actual substance underneath all that bullsh**.
You know those people who are ALWAYS joking and being sarcastic?
No I don't. I've never met anyone who is ALWAYS that way. I've met people who are joke around and are sarcastic more than others. I like people who joke and are innocently sarcastic in a humorous inoffensive way (if that's possible, then maybe it isn't really sarcasm).
No I don't. I've never met anyone who is ALWAYS that way. I've met people who are joke around and are sarcastic more than others. I like people who joke and are innocently sarcastic in a humorous inoffensive way (if that's possible, then maybe it isn't really sarcasm).
I dated someone who was ALWAYS that way. 90% of the time anyway. He could never slow down and was always "on". When I first met him I got this feeling like he was running from himself, like he couldn't just sit and "be" with himself. Like he wasn't comfortable in his own skin. I thought I was reading too much into it, so when he asked me out I said ok. But my gut feeling was right all along.
My husband is like this. 100% of the time always joking... or he mentally checks out. He'll either be on his phone, computer or whatever... he'll come back to planet Earth just to make some snarky remark.
To answer your questions: If you always have a mask on, how are you supposed to get to know and connect with other people?
You don't.. and if you do, it's on superficial basis.. like movies, food, etc
How will you ever actually work out your demons if you won't even let yourself be vulnerable enough to try?
You don't.
How can anything really grow between two people if one of them isn't even actually present?
It doesn't... I've been wanting a divorce by the end of the first month we were married. I stayed so long because one of our daughters is on life support.. and when I did ask for one he completely flipped on me and threaten what guys usually threaten.. so here I am. Miserable and lonely. Just waiting for an opportunity.
People like that don't ever change.. am I his second marriage and he will never change.
Defense mechanism and it can be a bit much. I had a friend years ago who could never be real w/ her feelings, it was always a remark, a sarcasm, humor all the time. It got on my nerves actually. You're going through whatever and all you get is a joke or flippant remark? And, she was a psychotherapist! Not my cup of tea, although I really like people w/ a sense of humor, as appropriate.
I wouldn't go overboard and decide that people who joke all the time are not being genuine or are hiding behind humor. I tend to make jokes a lot, usually because I always see connections between things, and when I point them out, people laugh. I'm not "trying" or "acting" or "on"--I'm not doing this on purpose or using defenses. I just use connections, often humorous or witty connections between ideas, to make a point. It comes naturally, and to stop doing it would be ingenuine. We also had previous conversations here about "sarcasm" and how too many people define sarcasm always negative or cutting. I use sarcasm in a non-attacking, humorous way, and that also pops up naturally. It's not an act or trying to impress or being defensive. Some of us are just naturally like this.
I also don't talk a lot, so I imagine if I were a "talker," people could see my always using humor as "too much." But as an introvert I tend to keep my mouth shut, and keep to myself, not wasting communication on chit-chat. So when I do open my mouth and say something funny, it's usually appreciated. But even when my mouth is shut, be assured I'm making these little jokes to myself and enjoying my own company
My husband is like this. 100% of the time always joking... or he mentally checks out. He'll either be on his phone, computer or whatever... he'll come back to planet Earth just to make some snarky remark.
To answer your questions: If you always have a mask on, how are you supposed to get to know and connect with other people?
You don't.. and if you do, it's on superficial basis.. like movies, food, etc
How will you ever actually work out your demons if you won't even let yourself be vulnerable enough to try?
You don't.
How can anything really grow between two people if one of them isn't even actually present?
It doesn't... I've been wanting a divorce by the end of the first month we were married. I stayed so long because one of our daughters is on life support.. and when I did ask for one he completely flipped on me and threaten what guys usually threaten.. so here I am. Miserable and lonely. Just waiting for an opportunity.
People like that don't ever change.. am I his second marriage and he will never change.
I'm so sorry, Sweetness. I do feel (at least some of) your pain because my ex was like that. Sometimes I think men like that are attracted to women like us because we're take-charge and assume responsibility easily. We think they're going to meet us halfway, but then it turns out we're the ones doing all the work.
It is such a lonely existence and the thing is, they just don't get it! I started many conversations with my ex telling him that I felt so lonely in the relationship, and he'd be like, "But we spend so much time together" and "I take you everywhere you want to go". I said, yes, but I'm emotionally lonely. And of course no amount of explaining could make him understand where I was coming from. They just don't get it. His relationship with his son was a joke too. Everything was sarcasm and half-truths and the poor child was so insecure because of it.
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