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Apparently she has no idea how she comes across. That's at least one thing she has in common with her MIL.
Another similarity is this - we could point out her dysfunctional ways of thinking and operating, and it wouldn't make a bit of difference in the long run. She'd go right back to doing things exactly like she's been doing them, in her own little world. It would be time wasted - about like the time she wasted with her MIL.
no, lol im not manic, lol im just fed up. i think seeing the pictures of her at the birthday party put me over the edge . all that help i gave her picking out clothes and helping her because she asked and i wanted to help her.. seeing those pics made me so mad. its like r u serious? what a waste of my efforts with her. totally done with her.
It seems to me that part of the problem that other posters are having with the OP's posts is that her style is that of texting, rather than the standard English writing style most use here at C-D. I'm trying to get past that, so I can focus on the issues she's writing about.
First of all, OP, is it possible that your MIL has early stage Alzheimer's - or perhaps has Asperger's syndrome herself?? Showing her how to do things, only to have her claim she doesn't understand or has forgotten, might indicate the first. The clueless dressing could indicate the latter. Of course, one doesn't rule out the other, and toss grief and a history of heavy dependence on her late husband into the mix, plus manipulative members of a sect, plus less-than-attentive relatives and apparently, few friends of her own generation - no wonder the situation is driving you bananas.
However - the thing about "hating" her and your husband isn't helpful to anyone. I'd suggest that you and your husband get counseling, asap, for the sake of your marriage and your children. Hate will eat you alive, from the inside out, and it's lethal.
As for your MIL, see if there is an assisted living facility nearby that she could afford. Look for one with meals and laundry facilities on the premises, along with bells or buttons to summon help if she should fall or need other assistance. A beauty parlor on site would be a bonus, along with lots of activities that would keep her active and socializing with others. If there are weekly religious services on site, that's good. Many such places offer biweekly trips to nearby shopping centers - nothing fancy, just supermarkets, Wal-Mart, Target, etc.
Could you visit her and help her weed out her wardrobe? Sounds like she needs to toss a lot of inappropriate stuff. If you could take her some nice basic things - mix and match tops and jeans in solid colors that she likes, things that she can't go too far wrong while wearing - that might make it easier for her.
Send her a very easy cookbook - one of those four ingredient or less titles. Does she have a microwave? Is her kitchen well-stocked with basics, both food and utensils?
You're going to have to develop tolerance for her crazy hair, but you could also provide some styling products that are easy to use - shampoos and conditioners, at least. Again, visit her and toss out anything that is unlikely to work. If she balks at getting rid of her familiar brands, you could even fake it a bit and put the good stuff in the old bottles. But her messy hair is the least of it, from the sound of things.
Also, check with your local senior citizen center or whatever agency provides services for seniors. They may be able to offer you good advice and provide info about feasible ways to help your MIL. They may even offer counseling or support groups for families of people with issue similar to those your MIL is displaying. Since she originally was Catholic, see if there are Catholic social services that might help her - along with counseling for you and your husband. He might want to get more involved - she's his mother, after all.
So - don't waste time on hating her, or your husband, or even the very unfortunate and complex situation - use that energy to learn more about what's available, and to think about practical, do-able ways to help your MIL. Once she's more settled, then you can see what you want to do about your marriage. It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy situation for anyone involved in it right now, and that needs to change. How that happens is up to you and your husband.
How sad it is that someone can reach the age of 60 and not know how to shop, dress, comb their hair, cook, write a check, etc. It's pretty obvious that the mother in law has some serious issues that won't be fixed by your attempts to help her. You mention her own daughter doesn't help; perhaps she, too, is frustrated by having no effect and has given up trying. Instead of hating your MIL, she really deserves your pity.
As far as staying in a loveless marriage....start making plans to leave it or pursue some counseling in order to repair the marriage. Anger, frustration and hate will eventually start to effect your health and no financial convenience is worth it.
It seems to me that part of the problem that other posters are having with the OP's posts is that her style is that of texting, rather than the standard English writing style most use here at C-D. I'm trying to get past that, so I can focus on the issues she's writing about.
First of all, is it possible that your MIL has early stage Alzheimer's - or perhaps has Asperger's syndrome herself?? Showing her how to do things, only to have her claim she doesn't understand or has forgotten, might indicate the first. The clueless dressing could indicate the latter. Of course, one doesn't rule out the other, and toss grief and a history of heavy dependence on her late husband into the mix, plus manipulative members of a sect, plus less-than-attentive relatives and apparently, few friends of her own generation - no wonder the situation is driving you bananas.
However - the thing about "hating" her and your husband isn't helpful to anyone. I'd suggest that you and your husband get counseling, asap, for the sake of your marriage and your children. Hate will eat you alive, from the inside out, and it's lethal.
As for your MIL, see if there is an assisted living facility nearby that she could afford. Look for one with meals and laundry facilities on the premises, along with bells or buttons to summon help if she should fall or need other assistance. A beauty parlor on site would be a bonus, along with lots of activities that would keep her active and socializing with others. If there are weekly religious services on site, that's good. Many such places offer biweekly trips to nearby shopping centers - nothing fancy, just supermarkets, Wal-Mart, Target, etc.
Could you visit her and help her weed out her wardrobe? Sounds like she needs to toss a lot of inappropriate stuff. If you could take her some nice basic things - mix and match tops and jeans in solid colors that she likes, things that she can't go too far wrong while wearing - that might make it easier for her.
You're going to have to develop tolerance for her crazy hair, but you could also provide some styling products that are easy to use - shampoos and conditioners, at least. Again, visit her and toss out anything that is unlikely to work. If she balks at getting rid of her familiar brands, you could even fake it a bit and put the good stuff in the old bottles. But her messy hair is the least of it, from the sound of things.
Also, check with your local senior citizen center or whatever agency provides services for seniors. They may be able to offer you good advice and provide info about feasible ways to help your MIL. They may even offer counseling or support groups for families of people with issue similar to those your MIL is displaying. Since she originally was Catholic, see if there are Catholic social services that might help her.
So - don't waste time on hating her, or your husband, or even the very unfortunate and complex situation - use that energy to learn more about what's available, and to think about practical, do-able ways to help your MIL. Once she's more settled, then you can see what you want to do about your marriage. It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy situation for anyone involved in it right now, and that needs to change. How that happens is up to you and your husband.
wow i never thought alzheimers. shes about 61 so i thought that was too young. when she started telling me how arnold, her husband, did everything for her, i asked her if there was ever a time when she did stuff for herself ? she said yes when she was in her twenties and single. i told her that nothing is impossible. but im starting to think its her extreme laziness that makes her not do anything for herself.
her clueless dressing and hairstyle is embarassing but according to her, she thinks the dora hat and dora shirts are cute and trendy but any grown up clothes is old and big. there is definitly something psychologically wrong with her and more so since her husband died. i mean, this is a woman who once pushed me down a flight of stairs.
maybe i am dysfunctional for actually being nice to this old bag of wrinkles. i just felt like being nice and helping her was the rite thing to do. but it wasnt.
i think she needs the help, she needs the advice, but her laziness to get stuff done is just because her husband aint around to do all her work. he did everything, she was a stay at home mom all her life and he still did the housework, seriously, he did everything.
we looked at senior complexes. and they have transportation, which is good for her and me because she wouldnt have to rely on me but im seeing that it wont be a good idea for her living nearby. i didnt like her autism comment,. even though i cant stand my husband, i knew that he wanted me and his mom to get along so i was cordial and didnt fight wit her. i did everything for her while she was here.
i cannot visit her in californina, i have twin daughters who are in school and i am a stay at home mom. i do everything in my house and if im not there, the house will fall apart. one night his mom and myself were out late at the store and i called him up and asked him if the girls were in bed he said yes. i asked him what book he read them and if he brushed there teeth.. his answer was "HELL NO" hes lazy too.
i do everything for my girls, and i would be completely terrified to leave anything in his care. hes so lazy.
nothing would get done or it would get done half a$$.
when she went home i sent her home with a bottle of gel and showed her how i did her hair. took less than 5 mins and all i did was run gel thru her hair with my hands. nothing fancy. i used an ectric razor on her face that she bought specifically for her face. she said how happy she was and that she never felt so great in her life. i was actually very happy for her.
i felt like, even though i had alot of things to do that week, and even though my husband didnt seem to care about the work i had to get done and would not reschedule his moms visit, i put a smile on my face and took care of his mom and helped her.
i even told her that i have so much to do and that when she leaves im going to be very busy because im putting off alot of work now. and she was very happy. she was like thank u so much. i really need all this help. and she was crying the blues that no one helps her.
i told her what clothes she should be donating or throwing out. she said she threw them out instead because its easier. but i think the shirt she is wearing was the same one she said she threw out. thats the one with the holes along the seams and neck of the shirt.
im not going to stress out about my time wasted instead im going to see it as a learning experience, as in , u can only help someone so much but they have to learn to help themselves too.
i give up on trying to help her and im not going to feel so bad when shes like, oh amanda please help me. or amanda, do u know how to make french toast? or amanda, how does body sprays work? can you spray them only on your neck ugh? she never wore perfume either or wore makeup. she didnt even wear a bra to her daughters wedding. please. ugh im so done with her.
i just live my life, i take care of my girls and im usually hanging out with my dad or mom. my husband doesnt like to do any family outings or go anywhere. he doesnt like doing any of that. i can count on my hands how many times we did grocery shopping together. we dont hold hands. i always see couples together all lovey dovey but thats not me and him.
i stay married because of financial reasons, he works and financially supports us and with my children and the level of care they need, i also get medical benefits plus it would be very hard for me to work due to therapy appointments and the attentive care they need. my mom and dad live about 45 mins away. my husband is a marine who gets stationed away alot which is good because i dont have to see his face much.
anyways, i cant see myself dating anyone, im a package deal and alot of guys wouldnt date someone who has twin daughters with autism. im realistic about that plus rite now im just focused on me helping my twin girls find their way thru autism. they are both talking now which is great and omg i get so happy about those little things that all this stress about my husbands mother just flys out the window.
im still mad that i spent alot of time helping her, but i have way more important things to be focused on.
Your mother in law did was not unappreciative of your time. You did a really nice thing for her and clearly made her feel better about herself. When she got back to her other environment, she did not feel empowered to implement those changes for herself. If she could, don't you think she would have?
She has problems that are so much larger than something that can be solved with a makeover. Sounds like she has psyciatric needs and/or dementia. You and your husband need to set boundaries that protect your own relationship, but don't expect him to be able to manage or change her. Sounds like you tried...but you cannot fix this kind of crazy.
Meanwhile, if you don't love your husband, why stay with him? It sounds like you might be focusing on the MIL and avoiding your own marriage issues.
Your mother in law did was not unappreciative of your time. You did a really nice thing for her and clearly made her feel better about herself. When she got back to her other environment, she did not feel empowered to implement those changes for herself. If she could, don't you think she would have?
She has problems that are so much larger than something that can be solved with a makeover. Sounds like she has psyciatric needs and/or dementia. You and your husband need to set boundaries that protect your own relationship, but don't expect him to be able to manage or change her. Sounds like you tried...but you cannot fix this kind of crazy.
Meanwhile, if you don't love your husband, why stay with him? It sounds like you might be focusing on the MIL and avoiding your own marriage issues.
God Bless!
ure rite i cant fix this kind of crazy. at least she was happy for a brief moment. i love my husband like a friend. not a romantic lover or anything like that. to think of him in that way makes me cringe. he has ruined the way i used to feel for him.
You first post you talked about how her family does nothing for her, maybe they have done everything you have tried but have given up.
That being said I'd probably suggest to her kids that their mom might have early signs of dementia or Alzheimer's, her behavior is consistent with someone who forgets how to take care of themselves. She probably wears the old clothes because she can't remember she has new ones, etc.
Maybe it would be more in order for you to go where she lives and remove all her old clothes and keep the new ones there. I'd also look into getting her on disability and getting her a caretaker. If she is disabled then the state may provide for all that for her so someone can feed her clothe her, bathe her, etc.
ure rite i cant fix this kind of crazy. at least she was happy for a brief moment. i love my husband like a friend. not a romantic lover or anything like that. to think of him in that way makes me cringe. he has ruined the way i used to feel for him.
Then do love your husband as a friend. Do you talk about/write about your friends as you have written about your husband here?? Obviously, he's not perfect - but stating that you hate him isn't exactly helpful to your relationship, be that a true marriage or more of a friendship.
If your husband is away much of the time, perhaps he doesn't realize how you feel about him, what your expectations for caring for your children are, just how badly off his mother is, etc. That's why marriage counseling would be a good idea for both of you (and by association, also good for your children and extended families). Even if your relationship continues to be more of a friendship than a romantic marriage, wouldn't it be better to improve communication and mutual understanding, so you could be more supportive of one another? It would surely be far less frustrating and lead to more mutual support and better understanding and probably more closeness and affection, if not hot and heavy romance.
Without this, it seems to me your marriage is pretty much a sham. No one can guarantee the return of romance, but surely you both can work on being better friends and partners. But you're going to need to voice what you want out of the marriage first, and do it without excessive blame and anger. That's why I'd suggest a good marriage and/or family counselor.
And - back to your other main problem - even if you can't visit her in person, you can always send your MIL shampoo and hair gel, appropriate new clothes, that simple cookbook, etc. If she likes cutesy clothes, then send her cutesy short socks or scarves or inexpensive cutesy jewelry - that way, she'd get her cutesy fix without going way over the top or looking too ridiculous. Keep her basic clothes colorful but simple. You might also send her some fashion magazines that include appropriate styles - Oprah's "O" magazine rather than "Harper's Bazaar" or "Vogue".
You can't control her or force her to make use of any of these things, obviously - but you can make it possible for her to choose to use them. That may be all you can do for her, for now - so do it, then focus on your marriage and your children.
You are still very young, and I expect your husband is around your age as well. Do realize that you have a lot of time ahead of you, and a lot of future experiences, and that change is inevitable. Be open to learning from those future experiences, but also educate yourself (just as you are doing about autism) so you will be better prepared to deal with them (good and/or bad; expect both) when they arise.
It seems to me that part of the problem that other posters are having with the OP's posts is that her style is that of texting, rather than the standard English writing style most use here at C-D. I'm trying to get past that, so I can focus on the issues she's writing about.
First of all, OP, is it possible that your MIL has early stage Alzheimer's - or perhaps has Asperger's syndrome herself?? Showing her how to do things, only to have her claim she doesn't understand or has forgotten, might indicate the first. The clueless dressing could indicate the latter. Of course, one doesn't rule out the other, and toss grief and a history of heavy dependence on her late husband into the mix, plus manipulative members of a sect, plus less-than-attentive relatives and apparently, few friends of her own generation - no wonder the situation is driving you bananas.
However - the thing about "hating" her and your husband isn't helpful to anyone. I'd suggest that you and your husband get counseling, asap, for the sake of your marriage and your children. Hate will eat you alive, from the inside out, and it's lethal.
As for your MIL, see if there is an assisted living facility nearby that she could afford. Look for one with meals and laundry facilities on the premises, along with bells or buttons to summon help if she should fall or need other assistance. A beauty parlor on site would be a bonus, along with lots of activities that would keep her active and socializing with others. If there are weekly religious services on site, that's good. Many such places offer biweekly trips to nearby shopping centers - nothing fancy, just supermarkets, Wal-Mart, Target, etc.
Could you visit her and help her weed out her wardrobe? Sounds like she needs to toss a lot of inappropriate stuff. If you could take her some nice basic things - mix and match tops and jeans in solid colors that she likes, things that she can't go too far wrong while wearing - that might make it easier for her.
Send her a very easy cookbook - one of those four ingredient or less titles. Does she have a microwave? Is her kitchen well-stocked with basics, both food and utensils?
You're going to have to develop tolerance for her crazy hair, but you could also provide some styling products that are easy to use - shampoos and conditioners, at least. Again, visit her and toss out anything that is unlikely to work. If she balks at getting rid of her familiar brands, you could even fake it a bit and put the good stuff in the old bottles. But her messy hair is the least of it, from the sound of things.
Also, check with your local senior citizen center or whatever agency provides services for seniors. They may be able to offer you good advice and provide info about feasible ways to help your MIL. They may even offer counseling or support groups for families of people with issue similar to those your MIL is displaying. Since she originally was Catholic, see if there are Catholic social services that might help her - along with counseling for you and your husband. He might want to get more involved - she's his mother, after all.
So - don't waste time on hating her, or your husband, or even the very unfortunate and complex situation - use that energy to learn more about what's available, and to think about practical, do-able ways to help your MIL. Once she's more settled, then you can see what you want to do about your marriage. It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy situation for anyone involved in it right now, and that needs to change. How that happens is up to you and your husband.
Craig creek hi and thanks for your response. i thought about sending her stuff but then i will be wasting my money. she always talks about her new clothes. she knows she has them. but i guess shes just lazy and wants to wear her old things.
its very scary that shes 60 something and hasnt learned how to do much. i wrote down easy recipes for her when she came here. she didnt even know what a whisk was. my husband said as a child, he would often come home to find her on the couch watching soap operas and oprah and he often made his own snack. she would tell him where the food was.
the only thing she knows how to make is cinnamon rolls. shes just really lazy. u know it just dawned on me,,, she said she was never involved with the pta when my husband was a child because the mothers were very cliquey and they would look at her strange and that my husband as a child used to ask her why she didnt dress like the other moms.
she said she would wear dusters and totes slippers to pick him up. dusters look like moo moos and totes slippers look like house slippers, def not something to go out in. being that she never did her hair or anything like that she probably looked like a trainwreck.
i first met her years ago and thought she was odd. her jacket pocket was ripped and hanging. her sneaker sole was coming off in the front. and that was it. this was my first time sseeing her many years later and u know what.. i think she is a pig. her house is a pig sty/ she smells like moth balls. any woman who has never used a razor, makeup , skin care products, hand lotion, hair styling products, perfume is just strange to me.
this is something beyond my help. and my husband takes her side for anything. when i showed him the pictures, he was like , no one is there to help her, but if she was here with u that wouldnt happen. i was like, look i have my own life and cant be her life guide 24/7. hes like thats not really nice,. my mom is old and frail blah blah blah.
his mom lost alot of weight because her dead husband cant cook for her anymore. she has everything she needs to cook but wont. i think she just shops to fill a void. she bought a kitchen bakeware set and its still in the bag. buys dora stuff, hello kitty stuff travel stuff like sleeping bags and piggy banks yet she doesnt go anywhere and cant save a dime.
she went on to say that she wanted to be independant and move but just 2 weeks ago renewed her 1 yr lease and bought a dining room and living room set. because she wanted to be independant and she used the money from her husbands lump sum widow pay out. she is such a moron. i was wven telling her .. dont renew your lease if you want to move here. dont buy anything big bulky or heavy. start throwing out or donating stuff u dont want.
now shes like amanda, how can i break my lease to move by december?, i was like, u shouldve never renewed it. shes like i guess. but then shes like can u find out for me whta rites i have as a tenant ... i told her she needs to get online and do that herself because no one told her it was a good idea to renew.
i mean, this woman has no common sense.
i cant help her anymore. shes completely a lost cause.
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