How to survive in multigenerational household?

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker

She is in her 70's, has macular degeneration, on anti-depressants for the past 10 years (after a breakdown because I moved out of the house and other things), and has trouble walking straight because of the medicine she's on.

Originally Posted by CraigCreek

How long has it been since your mother has seen the doctor and had a complete physical and work-up with labs? Clearly her meds need adjustment, if she cannot walk straight.

Are you perhaps blaming yourself for your mother's breakdown? Did she expect you to live at home with her and never leave? Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps?

Are you an only child, and do you - and your mother - have any other relatives nearby? She sounds as if she could greatly benefit from a variety of senior services - what is available in your community?

I agree that a complete physical is probably needed. Of course, everyone is different, but my brother's MIL had very severe macular degeneration and could still watch TV and use a computer (with some type of oversized adaptive screens and equipment) plus play cards and other games with the other seniors in her senior living unit. She also fixed her own breakfast and snacks.

Using a walker or even a wheelchair or electric scooter may be a way that your mother could expand her activities (in case her walking problems are permanent and not temporary).

Again, please visit the caregiving area of C-D. Most posters are amazingly knowledgeable and helpful. They would immediately know who to contact to get information.

If she is in her 70s now it is pretty unlikely that it will be 30 more years (unless most people in your family live to be past 100). However, don't forget that if she lives another 20 years, you will be 20 years older as well. Will you have enough money saved so that you can retire and support yourself until you are 95 years old? Just something else to consider.

Good luck.

[HappyHitchhiker]

Dizzyness and lack of focus are side effects of her medicine. Many of our family live into their 90's and most die by stroke.

She is antisocial and will not go to a senior center. When she was in intensive counseling (daily for over 4 months) they made her participate in ceramics. When we go out she is outspoken then raises her voice just to say that she waited over 70 years to be able to voice her opinion and she will not be told to be quiet. Well, some of what she says can be quite offensive.

I have an older brother but we never speak. He has his own family and does not even acknowledge his nephew. My mother's motto when I was growing up was "I know I will have one of you with me until I die". Gee, lucky me.

Her eye sight has gone downhill for the past few years.

She is a micromanager who refuses to see how she starts things between us. She insists on going in my son's room and waking him up in the morning, making his bed, opening his drapes, getting him dressed, and then complains if he takes too long, makes too much noise, or doesn't do things the way she would. I constantly remind her that he is my son and we do things differently. We have not always lived together for the last 9 years. It has been off and on but I still had to do things for her.

She refuses to see a new therapist out here (her other one retired) and says she is "fine". She lives the way she wants finally.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker

Dizzyness and lack of focus are side effects of her medicine. Many of our family live into their 90's and most die by stroke.

She is antisocial and will not go to a senior center. When she was in intensive counseling (daily for over 4 months) they made her participate in ceramics. When we go out she is outspoken then raises her voice just to say that she waited over 70 years to be able to voice her opinion and she will not be told to be quiet. Well, some of what she says can be quite offensive.

I have an older brother but we never speak. He has his own family and does not even acknowledge his nephew. My mother's motto when I was growing up was "I know I will have one of you with me until I die". Gee, lucky me.

Her eye sight has gone downhill for the past few years.

She is a micromanager who refuses to see how she starts things between us. She insists on going in my son's room and waking him up in the morning, making his bed, opening his drapes, getting him dressed, and then complains if he takes too long, makes too much noise, or doesn't do things the way she would. I constantly remind her that he is my son and we do things differently. We have not always lived together for the last 9 years. It has been off and on but I still had to do things for her.

She refuses to see a new therapist out here (her other one retired) and says she is "fine". She lives the way she wants finally.

So, your mom probably will live another 20 years and probably will get more and more demanding as she ages (just my speculation).

Look at your life 20 years from now, will you be able to support yourself? Will you be able to have a career after caring for your mom all of those years? Will you have a pension or social security for your old age? Will your son even be speaking to you after being forced to live with a demanding, micromanaging grandmother for almost his whole childhood?

What about your brother. Is he contributing time or money to the care of your joint mother? Is this effecting him at all? Is that fair? Will he have trouble supporting himself in his old age because he spent 20 plus years caring for your joint mother?

BTW, not all parents demand that their adult child be a virtual slave to them in their old age. On C-D you will find many people who just leave & move to a different far away state, sometimes not even letting their parents knew where they are to avoid over-demanding or toxic parents. I'm not suggesting that you do that but I just wanted you to be aware that just because you mother says that "a child will live with her until she dies" you do not have to agree and you do not have to be that child.

Perhaps, meeting with a counselor or elder care attorney and work out some type of written contract or agreement would be helpful. You can even include things like raising your son is your responsibility and your mother can not interfere. You can even put in things like three evenings a week you have "off" to have a break, to take classes, go to the library, or do things with your son. Or are you truly "on call" 24/7? You can include things regarding meals (such as you will plan family meals in advance with your mother but then will not make her a different meal if she complains about the one that she agreed to eat). Maybe she can order Meals on Wheels for lunch and see what it is like to have absolutely no control over what she eats. You eat the meal or you go hungry.

Definitely financial needs to be discussed and worked out. Does your mother have money to pay you, at least something, for your services? Or is she considering free room & board your total compensation for giving up your entire life to be with her? Is that fair? Again, what about your brother. Since he is not caring for your mother maybe he should be paying you to do it? Just something to consider.

What if your mother dies tomorrow? Do you get the house and her estate or is it 50/50 with your brother or even totally to your brother? Will you get kicked out in the cold when your brother decides to sell the house? All things to discuss and to be clear about.

Do you and your son have health insurance?

There are manys thing to discuss with a counselor or with someone with your county commission on aging.

[CraigCreek]

^^ This. Well-put and very comprehensive. Sorry I couldn't rep you germaine2626.

OP: I hope you will print out Germaine's post and follow through some of her excellent suggestions.