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In this instance, mother (your sister) is trying to gloss over the seriousness of son's offenses (that is BS that your nephew "doesn't remember." He remembers. And even if he doesn't, he has been informed) Your sister is trying to smooth things over and holding you responsible for accepting a non-apology as if YOU were the problem. Once again, rather than focusing on her son being a thief, your sister changes the focus and says you have too high expectations of everyone else's behavior. Well, NO! Your sister just wants an easy way out and you are not making this easy for her - and you shouldn't. So instead of focusing on how son needs to makes amends . . .she turns the tables.
But if you give in and just pretend all is well, then you are playing your nephew's game and letting your sister get away with using emotional blackmail with you (putting you in the position of needing to BE NICE and FORGIVE AND FORGET so she doesn't feel bad!!!!)
I would not be fast to have a relationship with your nephew and if this means pulling back from your sister, so be it. This is not your issue; you were ROBBED. It doesn't matter that it was your nephew as far as the seriousness of that incident. He is lucky you didn't press charges and have him arrested for larceny. The fact that he is your nephew, and someone you have been kind and generous to in the past, makes it even MORE heinous. There is simply no way this young man should be in your life til he has proven he is worthy. And if that upsets your sister . . . maybe you should remind her that if it had been anyone else, they would probably be in jail right now.
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Originally Posted by armory
Lower the boom on the kid. They have yet to see the real problem this kid is going to be in the future as he will steal again and again as well as ruin a lot of relationships in his life.
This 'kid' fits the mold for sociopath if he has a history.
I agree on the sociopath statement. He showed you the necklace and then the cash - and he smiled - at which point did he not remember? He got a kick out of stealing from innocents in his family. The grandmother's robbery makes me the maddest of all - he stole from his grandmother and thought it was great. If you give an inch on forgiveness before it is earned, you are only adding to the mother's stupid enabling. If she keeps it up, he will eventually go down for something major and spend a long time in prison. She is not doing him any favors.
I have to say . . . I have had a similar situation occur (with a stepchild) and I only wish I had pressed charges. At the time, I wanted to keep the peace but in the 17 years that have transpired (the thief was 23 at the time!), and the behaviors have only escalated, I truly wish I would have pressed charges. This adult child forged my signature on a check for $5000 and the bank wanted to press charges. I regret to this day I didn't do it, as it would have been at least one step towards forcing some recognition of taking responsibility for one's own behaviors, something this now-40 year old continues to be incapable of doing.
This. You should files charges against him, especially since he was given the choice of therapy or jail and did not follow through on therapy.
My brother was the same kind of teenager/young adult. He got away with murder because my family let him, didn't want to hold him accountable. For 10 years he carried on until he got caught by the big boys and had his ass handed to him (jail and rehab for a total of 2 years, and then probation). He said it was the wake up call he needed.
You're doing him a disservice by letting him skate without some kind of punishment (silent treatment isn't going to cut it). Tough love is sometimes the best kind of love.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. From what you said in your initial post, he never tried to make it ok. Just downplayed it or pretended it did not happen. I would tell him to apologize AND pay the money back to show how important it is to him to make it right. If he is not willing to do that then so be it. No reason to have somebody like this in your life (family or not).
This way you are giving him the chance to make this right. It's his call.
If he was my kid, I'd tell him him to work until he can pay back every cent before he can hope that you accept his apology.
Send him a Christmas card and say "Looking forward to healing our relationship"
You know, there might be a way to get you and him into counselling. He might be a touch narcissistic. Probably needs counseling. But he's your sister's son and a beloved nephew who has hurt your family. Tough situation. I hope it works out.
I wonder how he would accept "I love you but I choose not to trust you, at least for now." Then let him understand you will treat him as if he cannot be trusted. It's the consequence of his actions.
Chess, I can't read through this whole thread, but about 3 years ago I cut two of my cousins - one of whom was like my own kid, in many ways - out of my life. It still HURTS like an ache that won't go away. And really, their offense was not so bad as the one against you. But the thought processes that were behind the problem were really what the issue was. They are not mentally healthy people, and they are not interested in changing that. So I'm not going to have them in my life. While it hurts me, it still hurts me way less than the constant stress of people like that in my life.
Your nephew has not done so much to make you think he's changed. He has not attempted to make any sort of amends. In other words, there has been no meaningful change. You are not wrong to want nothing to do with him. His mom is out of line.
Your sister needs to understand that people who were harmed because of an addict's actions do not need to roll out the red carpet for the addict. Part of his recovery is that he takes ownership of his actions, acknowledges what he did that hurt you, apologizes for it, and makes amends--preferably by at least either buying you replacement jewelry or giving you cash equal to the value of what he stole. What's the first thing a parent tells a child who breaks or steals something? "That's coming out of your allowance to make up for it." Same principle. You make up for what you did, not pretend it didn't happen.
Making amends requires concrete action, not conversation. Your sister is wrong, you are right, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Having taken percocet before after surgery, he is lying if he says he doesn't remember doing it while on that drug. It isn't a drug that makes people blackout and go crazy unless maybe he was taking WAY too much of it at once. I remembered everything I was doing while on the drug for a week or two.
What a horrible situation. I do feel bad for your sister and the rift this is causing between the two of you.
This might be avoidant but I would just try to not say anything about your nephew to her. I wouldn't get him a present and I would not tell sis that you aren't getting him a present. I just would not do it. And if she calls you on it after the fact, I would just honestly say that you could not feel in your heart, any desire to give him a gift when he has taken so much from you, and still has yet to sincerely make any effort to make amends with you for what he did.
This is her son, she's going to forgive/forget much sooner than you will. Frankly they are lucky you didn't press charges against him.
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