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I'm a weirdo magnet too. It's happened to me in several places where we lived. I'm not 55+ so it's mostly people wanting stuff done for their kids...I think part of why it happens to me is that I can do a lot of things that most people my age don't learn how to do anymore. I have a neighbor who sometimes sends her kids over with clothing that she wants mended...the first time I did it because the kid told me a sob story about how she had to go to a party and her mom was going to make her wear it anyhow with her underpants showing. After that I learned not to open the door to them. And then there's the family down the street who decided since I homeschool, they should send their little boy over to play whenever they have a school holiday, for the entire day, even though I don't have any boys and my kids are twice his age. Or the one who showed up on my doorstep one day wanting to know if I could keep her kid while she went to sell plasma (I did watch her kid, figuring she must be desperate if she was selling plasma, but when she got back she told me that's how she adds to her vacation fund).
My husband is a pro at spotting these kinds of people and he'll tell me when he first meets someone whether or not he thinks they'll be a problem. He can't predict the ones who start out good and go downhill though.
Anyhow, the solution to all of it is just to say, "I'm sorry, that's just not possible right now." And when they ask why not, "Because it's just not possible." I don't always manage to do it, if someone has hungry kids and no food I end up helping them. But I get taken advantage of a lot less than I used to.
Yeah, since you homeschool you are going to definitely be a magnet for takers because they think you have time. I have people who think I should homeschool their child for them ! Heck no! Make the financial and lack of personal time sacrifices like every other homeschool family! To the OP, I would restrict giving out phone numbers, emails and favors until you know someone well. There is nothing wrong with giving as long as it's not all one sided.
For me, that epiphany came when somebody asked me to do something, I said yes, and they said, "I just knew you'd say yes!" That bothered me, honestly. Now, anytime somebody asks me for a favor, I always ask myself, "All things being equal, would this person do the same for me if the roles were reversed?"
My parents always taught me to give a quick no, and a slow yes. You can always call back and say yes, but calling back to say no is harder.
What fantastic advice to wake up to this morning. Thank you so much.
Truly, I could tell early on, that dog lady was a taker and not a giver. But, I'm slow on the uptake. I'm gong to make it a point to wait for a reciprocal act before giving again to someone. Just to see if they will. With the dog lady, I realized that after knowing her almost 2 months, I had never been in her car, for instance. I could go on. But, this is wonderful advice.
I know I spewed on this board, but the price is right here :-) It's a matter of wading through the clutter for the gems of wisdom. Thanks so much everyone for reading my ridiculously long posts and sharing your anti-trolling skills with me :-)
I agree (mostly). It's more kind to respond with a "no" than to ignore. If you have ever been eagerly waiting for a reply and been ignored, you know how it feels. You don't know if that person got busy and forgot to reply, or whether they are ignoring you on purpose or being passive-aggressive. It's just not nice, and kindness prevents hard feelings when there don't need to be any to convey a message.
I understand your point of view. But, sometimes you just need to stop the madness by not engaging. Sometimes it's their mission to just keep you engaged. It looks innocent, but it's really a way to keep the chow line open. If you know what I mean.
It's funny how some people on this thread think there's something wrong with you, OP. "Funny weird" not "Funny ha ha."
You have moved to a new community and want to get integrated. It's all exciting--meeting new people and developing new friendships. You are putting yourself out there, with the thought that maybe you can live the latter part of your life with a support network made up of your neighbors. Everyone needs a support network, and you are trying to develop yours in the best way--by being generous. And maybe you hope that the generosity will be returned.
But for some people, they see your eagerness and generosity and immediately try to figure out how they can take advantage of it. They have a minimal interest in reciprocating--sure, you get half a chicken out of the deal sometimes, but mostly they just want to take.
I would suggest you continue to be open, but have in your mind a boundary that you will not cross. Once you set that boundary and start saying "No" to people, they will get a clear picture of what your boundaries are. You have the right to live your life the way you want. Sometimes you just want to go to the store alone.
Thanks so much! You nailed it. And didn't make me look nuts ha ha!
Good advice having a boundary in my mind. I find I have to have a plan in mind before I deal with people. My initial reaction is either to go Irish on them...(which I am lol!)...or say yes. It's that middle ground I yearn for.
And YES! I really like a LOT of alone time. 99% of the time, I'd rather go alone.
One of the things that makes it challenging for me here, is that there is only one way into this building. You can leave the building by several exits from stairs. But, you can only enter the building in the front where the security keypad is.
So, where do the trollers hang out? You guessed it! Right in front, where everyone has to pass. A good friend of mine (who unfortunately lives in Canada) calls it "running the gauntlet." LOL! That's exactly what it's like. And they all love my friendly little dog, so getting past them is an event in itself.
And keep in mind that the weather is fantastic here. Sunny, around 65 - 70 degrees lately and no rain...so it's a great place to hang out right now, on the benches right outside the door...
I thought about training my dog to use potty pads so I wouldn't have to go out so often lol! But, that's not fair to the dog, so we run the gauntlet several times a day. I get lots of practice...
Location: Prince Georges County, MD (formerly Long Island, NY)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carlitasway
Yeah, since you homeschool you are going to definitely be a magnet for takers because they think you have time. I have people who think I should homeschool their child for them ! Heck no! Make the financial and lack of personal time sacrifices like every other homeschool family! To the OP, I would restrict giving out phone numbers, emails and favors until you know someone well. There is nothing wrong with giving as long as it's not all one sided.
My mom gets the same thing asked all the time! Why should somebody provide a private education to your child for free?
When my mom homeschooled me, we didn't have caller ID. Instead, she just didn't answer the phone before 3:15pm. If dad was calling from work, he'd call once and let it ring once, hang up, and then call again-- then we'd know it's him. If anybody else was calling, mom would screen the call on the voicemail to see if it was an emergency. Even then, she'd let them leave their voicemail, wait a couple of minutes (non-life threatening emergency), and then call them back. It took about two months, and then people caught on. The phone would ring off the hook around 3:20
As you could imagine, when we bought our first caller ID box (they were separate from the phone back then), it was a big deal for mom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
What fantastic advice to wake up to this morning. Thank you so much.
Truly, I could tell early on, that dog lady was a taker and not a giver. But, I'm slow on the uptake. I'm gong to make it a point to wait for a reciprocal act before giving again to someone. Just to see if they will. With the dog lady, I realized that after knowing her almost 2 months, I had never been in her car, for instance. I could go on. But, this is wonderful advice.
I know I spewed on this board, but the price is right here :-) It's a matter of wading through the clutter for the gems of wisdom. Thanks so much everyone for reading my ridiculously long posts and sharing your anti-trolling skills with me :-)
I know what you mean-- it's hard when you meet somebody new and you're trying to gauge them. Sometimes, after doing something big for them (say a week or two later), I'll ask a petty favor, just to see how they react. It could be something simple like just asking them to read over/proofread something you've written. Their reaction and how they follow through can tell you a lot. I'm still learning, honestly.
Why is it the new person always gets asked to do favors? Because the users have pretty much used everyone else up, or alienated them in some way. You're the one who doesn't know their history, so under the guise of being friendly, they move in on the newbie, and start to take advantage.
Someone with a genuine desire to be your friend will suggest activities that you both enjoy, or even just chat and find common interests. Anyone who asks for a favor right off the bat is probably someone to avoid.
I can so relate only with me it was with someone I had known for years. They were a childless older couple and I was basically without parents living with the abusive sperm and egg donor that I was forced to call mom and dad. They were kind to me and I was their side kick for many years. Fast forward about 20 years later when he dies and she is old school helpless and needy. I saw her every week for nearly two years and every time I went there was more and more for me to do. Balance her check book, clean her gutters, paint this, move that. Drive 30 miles round trip to pick her up for the holidays we were off then drive her back home again. She became more and more selfish, demanding, and critical of my husband who also helped her a lot. That was the deal breaker for me. I left and never looked back. She passed about 3 or 4 years after I saw her. I miss them as they were before but I don't miss what she had become. I vowed never to do that to the shorties in my life if I'm fortunate enough to have them visit us in our old age. I can't imagine perfect strangers behaving like that. I think I'd move.
I can so relate only with me it was with someone I had known for years. They were a childless older couple and I was basically without parents living with the abusive sperm and egg donor that I was forced to call mom and dad. They were kind to me and I was their side kick for many years. Fast forward about 20 years later when he dies and she is old school helpless and needy. I saw her every week for nearly two years and every time I went there was more and more for me to do. Balance her check book, clean her gutters, paint this, move that. Drive 30 miles round trip to pick her up for the holidays we were off then drive her back home again. She became more and more selfish, demanding, and critical of my husband who also helped her a lot. That was the deal breaker for me. I left and never looked back. She passed about 3 or 4 years after I saw her. I miss them as they were before but I don't miss what she had become. I vowed never to do that to the shorties in my life if I'm fortunate enough to have them visit us in our old age. I can't imagine perfect strangers behaving like that. I think I'd move.
Yeah, this reminds me of something I heard once. There are two types of people:
1) those that see that they need something done, and think "I've got to figure out how to do this:" and
2) those that see that they need something done, and think "I've got to find someone to do this for me."
I think your adopted mom was of the #2 type. Some women like to play the helpless little girl routine, but all through the ages there have been strong women - look at the pioneers! So, it will fly to a degree, especially with men who like to rescue the little lady. But, she lost her man, and latched onto you. That's too bad.
As far as moving...LOL! Well, I need to save up money to move again. But, I'm on the Section 8 waiting list here in Redding. So, my goal is to stay here until I get to the top of the list. I understand it will probably be a few years. Then, I can move into a regular apartment house that's not a senior community. So, I just need to figure out how to survive a few years here. It shouldn't take long for me to quit being the newbie target. That is my fervent prayer LOL! I now know I'm not cut out for the community life. I want my community to be somewhere other than where I live!
Good luck NoMoreSnow, I think that whole no shortie thing would be a deal breaker for me in those retirement communities. Honestely I'd reather deal with the kids then demanding seniors. I get enough of that at work.
Ah, once more we have a thread in which the OP left out pertinent information.
IMO your problem has nothing to do with moving into a 55+ community or your neighbors but everything to do with your own issues. Appropriately framed, the question would be "I'm a person with issues, who needs help in dealing with my new neighbors, please give advice."
Nothing wrong with that, just own up to it and quit trying to project your problems onto your neighbors.
This is excellent advice. You need to stop viewing your neighbors as the problem and realize that you have some issues. How could you not know that when you've been in therapy to learn how to say no to people?!??!
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
I understand your point of view. But, sometimes you just need to stop the madness by not engaging. Sometimes it's their mission to just keep you engaged. It looks innocent, but it's really a way to keep the chow line open. If you know what I mean.
You're wrong. You're just being avoidant by not giving a response. You're uncomfortable with conflict. To you, saying no is conflict because you fear being questioned and pushed to say yes. That's YOUR problem. You're not really the nice person you pretend to be by avoiding saying no when no is kinder.
I was initially perplexed about the dog lady's response. Now that you've admitted you allowed yourself to be the emergency contact person, I would have raked you over the coals in public too. How dare you not follow through on a commitment as important as that!
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! Heck no! Make the financial and lack of personal time sacrifices like every other homeschool family! To the OP, I would restrict giving out phone numbers, emails and favors until you know someone well. There is nothing wrong with giving as long as it's not all one sided.
