Father past away and dealing with the aftermath

[BusyMeAK]

You seem to be a very responsible and thoughtful and well-educated person with a good heart. Try you younger brother, offer him a test - give him another necklace (chose one that is not easily replaceable from the nearest dept store) and let him wear it for 2-4 years. If he will be able to keep it, give him the father's one (if he keeps asking). Maybe after a while he will get more mature and will better understand what all these things really mean. Wish your mother will better understand you, too, after some time.

[blueherons]

Give the brother your mother's engagement ring. It is the same principle isn't it? The ring isn't yours to give but so what? Your mom or brother don't follow those rules, why should you?

You need to have a colleague that you trust step in and take care of mom financially. This is a toxic situation that you need to get away from. Do it while you can still have a healthy relationship with the rest of your family.

And I'm sure it is effecting YOUR own family.

[Dwatted Wabbit]

dazed, from my view you are doing everything exactly correctly and per your father's wishes.

I would not give little brother the necklace. Whether he knows it or not, his desire for it is just a manipulation, in my business we call it splitting, knowing your mother will take baby brother's side.

You come from years of dysfunction and manipulation. Sounds like you turned out sane and normal. Not everyone in every family does.

My wife and I both come from sibling pairs where we're the responsible and kind ones.
When my mother died, she split the estate but left me an extra piece of cash. Out of a misplaced sense of fairness I split that with my sister, which I regret. That was NOT my mother's intention.

My sister, an estate-planning attorney if you can believe it, screwed up the legal ownership of our mother's house. She had no awareness of, or perhaps no interest in, tax liabilites and responsibilities.
She also claimed she could not locate the estate-settling outfit that my mother had had dealings with, who she wanted to do the estate sale, and had written estimates from. I trusted my sister, foolishly.

When the dust had settled, we located the estate guy just where he'd been for decades.

My sister instead located some incompetent less-than-honest "appraiser" half of whose guesstimates came off ebay or some such. My sister was primma donna and it was her way or the highway, as we divided furniture etc.

I learned a lot, but not before the estate attorney/sister had done lots of damage. I had no idea regarding the depths of her incompetence, and of her contempt for my parents.

Stand your ground. You are right in everything you are doing.

When your mother and brother eventually figure out that they cannot play you, perhaps they will back off. Perhaps not, since this is what they've become used to.

Like the story of the frog and the scorpion crossing the stream, it is what they are.

And what you are is honest, by the book, and responsibly carrying out your father's last wishes.

[Jukesgrrl]

My sympathy to you — for the loss of your father and that you're in a tough spot. I certainly think you're honoring your father with your actions, hard as they may be. I would be inclined to stick to your plan of putting Mom on the budget that keeps her away from the principle, and turning her over to that money manager you talked about. Whatever that costs would get you out of the picture for these day-to-day arguments and give you some peace. She certainly has a comfortable amount of money to live on but you know if she burns through it before the end of the month she will be hassling you. Let her hassle a professional who's being paid for the trouble. Maybe she will have more shame about whining to a stranger than she has whining to you.

I think the jewelry thing is cruel and manipulative, which I another reason I think you should distance yourself as much as possible from these money disagreements. If you really ARE attached to this jewelry, stick to your guns. If it's not that big a deal to you, give in to your brother but make it clear you feel he and Mom are being abusive and they shouldn't expect you to repeat this cave-in ever again.

Your Dad obviously knew who was trustworthy in his family. Best of luck to you in dealing with these problems. Treat them like children — with firmness and consistency — because that's what they're acting like.