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There's something my boyfriend's daughter has been doing that's bugging me and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've lived with my boyfriend for many years. He's divorced and his daughter is grown, and only a year younger than me. The problem is that in all this time, whenever she's visited, she's accepted calls on her cellphone from her mother checking up on her. Every single time she's visited her father all these many years! Before cell phones were as common, her mother would call our landline and ask for her. This was usually on Thanksgiving. His daughter and ex-wife live in the same city and see each other often. He and I no longer live there, and have lived a few states away for some time now. As I see it, she can always talk to her mother any time. But not so with her father. Since I don't know how to handle this, I've let it go on too long, and I need to talk to his daughter about it next time, because I feel like she's bringing her mother into our home with her whenever she calls. And not just where we live - if she's going out to eat with him, for example, she'll take her mother's call right there and then, while we're all waiting for our food.
Another thing I find really wrong with the picture: whenever her dad tries to call her, she doesn't pick up and he tries to leave a message, but her voicemail is full. Yet she never fails to pick up for her mother?? I don't understand why the old witch is always checking up on her, since she's an adult and has been one for a long time. I also don't understand why she doesn't just turn the phone off while she's visiting.
Last time this happened, she and her dad arrived (I didn't think they'd be there so early) while I was in the middle of watching my soap opera. She went to use the bathroom, and as soon as she got done in there, she picked up her cell phone, and told her mother, "...yeah, I'm over at my dad's..." and she talks loud anyway, then as she was yakking away on her phone, she sat beside me on the couch while I was trying to hear my soap opera. I then got her attention and pointed to the patio door. So she continued the call outside. Her dad got mad at me for kicking her outside. But I think she was being rude, and she didn't seem to care that I was trying to watch TV.
If he actually got mad at you it sounds like you need to have a talk with him before her.
You're going to have a tough time insisting on some common courtesies if he isn't going to back you up.
Yes! I need one of those! It'll be money well spent!
Besides, I wonder if the important part is that it's my (our) home, or if she feels like it's her phone, so she feels that she can use it how (and where) she pleases.
Only problem with the phone jammer is that her dad most likely will be mad with you if you get one, especially if you don't run it by him. I mean if he gets mad with you because you ask her to step outside to talk on her phone, then he surely will blow up over this. I think the mom and daughter are in on this together just to annoy you and to get some sort of reaction out of you. This sounds like they are deliberately doing this and its part of the plan. I think she has an idea that talking to her mom annoys you and she makes sure of that by talking so loud. Have a talk with her father and try to let him handle it or you will eventually blow up on her because you cant take it anymore. As for the land line phone, you can always get rid of that if everybody have cell phone. Good luck
Yeah, I have a good feeling that his ex is deliberately doing it. Until I read your post, Ipaper, I hadn't considered that his daughter may be in on it. For the most part, we've gotten along. We only had one (verbal) fight once in all these years, and that was long ago, and she apologized for that one not too long afterward. So I guess that's why it's been tough for me to figure out how to handle it, because I've been trying to keep the peace and get along and not be seen as an evil wicked stepmother.
Yeah, I have a good feeling that his ex is deliberately doing it. Until I read your post, Ipaper, I hadn't considered that his daughter may be in on it. For the most part, we've gotten along. We only had one (verbal) fight once in all these years, and that was long ago, and she apologized for that one not too long afterward. So I guess that's why it's been tough for me to figure out how to handle it, because I've been trying to keep the peace and get along and not be seen as an evil wicked stepmother.
I understand, I have a friend who went through the same thing with her stepdaughter. Even if you get along with the daughter, you will always be seen as the woman between her father and her mother. She will always side with her mother over you and if this is something her mother is in on, then she wont have a problem annoying you on behalf of her mom. I wouldn't give them the benefit or satisfaction that its working so she wont have anything to report back to mom. Do your best to keep it together and work at this through her father.
His daughter and ex-wife live in the same city and see each other often. He and I no longer live there, and have lived a few states away for some time now. As I see it, she can always talk to her mother any time. But not so with her father. Since I don't know how to handle this, I've let it go on too long, and I need to talk to his daughter about it next time, because I feel like she's bringing her mother into our home with her whenever she calls. And not just where we live - if she's going out to eat with him, for example, she'll take her mother's call right there and then, while we're all waiting for our food.
Another thing I find really wrong with the picture: whenever her dad tries to call her, she doesn't pick up and he tries to leave a message, but her voicemail is full. Yet she never fails to pick up for her mother?? I don't understand why the old witch is always checking up on her, since she's an adult and has been one for a long time. I also don't understand why she doesn't just turn the phone off while she's visiting.
I'm going to gently disagree with the others and say you need to drop this and not try to control the relationship she has with her mother. Now, I think it's rude to take a call while at the dinner table no matter who we're talking about. She should let those go to voicemail. But overall your issue seems to be that her mother is calling at all while she's on "dad's time" and IMHO that attitude is unfair. This young lady did not choose for her parents to get divorced. That's all on your boyfriend and his ex. They made this mess, not her. It's not "dad's time" but her time. She obviously has a close relationship with her mother and misses talking to her when they're not together. I see no problem with her taking calls from her while she's in your house or during a period of visiting. She can simply leave the room like anyone else on a call. Sounds like the real problem here is that you/BF are resentful that she doesn't feel as close to you, but again that's something you can only influence by the warmth of the relationship you work to develop with her. And it's not something entirely in your control. Relationships have to be mutual. Trying to prevent her from talking to her mom during visits may have the opposite effect you're hoping for, and your BF may very well blame you if the relationship sours with his daughter. I'd take a big step back and learn to ignore it.
Setting basic phone etiquette rules in your home is fine. Disturbing someone else with your yatter, interrupting a conversation or a dinner by taking non-emergent calls, etc. is simply rude and you've every right to express your opinion on that. Your boyfriend should back you up on this but that's for the two of you to discuss and come to an agreement on. That it's her mother/your boyfriend's ex-wife - stay out of it.
OP- I don't thoink you and your step daughter have the OK relationship you pretend to have.
I agree that the step daughter is in part deliberately calling her mother to get to you. At the same time, you are being unbelieveably rude to your step daughter.
Company arrives at your house and you're annoyed that your soap opera on TV is being interrupted ? The horror ! Company arrives at my home and all attention goes to the company, whether they are early or late or right on time. Wouldn't you want to get up and greet them warmly, offer something to to snack on, something to drink, offer idle chit chat on how their trip to you went, etc. But to sit in front of a TV ignoring them is the height of rudeness to my way of thinking. To think a soap opera is more important than a human is very telling about your relationship with this daughter.
Maybe your husband's annoyance at your sending the step daughter outside had more to o with your behavior than hers. You were both wrong.
Perhaps if your step daughter felt welcome in your home, she would behave differently. Your behavior indicates she is tolerated but not wanted by you. Her behavior indicates she knows just how to get to you. The three of you ought to sit down and clear the air on phone usage. Phone chat at the dinner table or ina restaurant is rude, maybe you can all agree on that. If she calls her mother other times, who cares. Let it go, it's not important. Change your attitude toward her and maybe she will lighten up with you.
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