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Exactly. Like saying, "With all due respect." Everytime someone says that to me, I know the person is about to insult me.
[and then they do it]
With all due respect, you're wonderful!
(Streak broken! )
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam
Is it bad to feel good about being right? If that were the rule, we couldn't feel good about having gotten a 100 on a test, or about picking a stock that ends up rising.
It it "bad" to feel good about being right? No.
Is it "bad" to feel good about being right about something someone else was wrong about? No.
Is it "bad" to feel good about being right about something someone else was wrong about because they were wrong about it? Yes.
Is it "bad" to verbalize that? Yes - and that's precisely what saying I told you so does.
If only people learned from the consequences of their bad decisions and never made the same mistake again! Yes, I would HOPE that the person would have learned the lesson without having to hear "I told you so" but many people don't learn life lessons from one bad outcome. I think this is especially true with the parent-to-child/teen "I told you so's."
For example, when I was a snotty teenager who swore up and down that I'd never forget my class presentation materials, and then I did, I really think it was that "I told you so" from my Mom that nailed it home for me. That fact that she said it ticked me off so much that I vowed to myself I'd never give her that chance to say that to me again. And to this day, I write myself reminders and I don't forget things.
In no way would I say that in every case, or even in most cases does the lesson-learner need to hear "I told you so." But certainly in some cases, especially during adolescence and young adulthood.
That arrogant exec who belittled me for my prediction, and later ended up being wrong will very likely NEVER belittle another younger female manager who voices an opinion and has research to back it up. But it was hearing that "she told you so" from the CEO that I think drove the lesson home. Knowing this guy, I seriously doubt he would have learned the lesson without the 'punctuation" of the "I told you so."
I can honestly say that with a few important life lessons, I had to make the same mistake a few times before I really learned the lesson. The feelings that accompany hearing "I told you so" may have shortened my learning period.
And you keep getting stuck on the lesson being in the ITYS. The lesson is in the unfolding of the events. The ITYS does nothing to reinforce the lesson.
The only other benefit you have pointed out to saying ITYS is to make yourself feel good. And as I've mentioned before, you can certainly have the satisfaction of being right without saying the words. The act of saying ITYS is totally self-serving.
This is a great post and IMO, a concise summary of why people feel it's hurtful to say those words.
If only people learned from the consequences of their bad decisions and never made the same mistake again! Yes, I would HOPE that the person would have learned the lesson without having to hear "I told you so" but many people don't learn life lessons from one bad outcome. I think this is especially true with the parent-to-child/teen "I told you so's."
I cannot think of a single situation or circumstance where the ITYS is responsible for driving the lesson home. You're putting waaaay too much value on four words.
You came here looking for people to agree with you so that you would feel validated. Sorry to disappoint.
You came here looking for people to agree with you so that you would feel validated. Sorry to disappoint.
Honestly no, I didn't. Thanks for your attempt at mindreading. I was looking for both people who agree and disagree, and to discuss in an honest way the exception to the "it's always a bad thing" rule. With all the people who are disagreeing with me, I'm not fighting against them, I'm just asking them to consider a few things they might not have considered. At least a few people did say or imply that when "I told you so" is said about a good outcome, it might not be pompous or hurtful. but of course they added that they still would never say it, or it's very rare for that situation to come up.
I'll admit that I did expect at least a few people to agree with me, if not in whole then at least in part. I wonder how many of those who disagree really live the morally and spiritually superior lives they claim to. Do they really never say "I told you so"? Do they never, ever think a person really deserves it? Do they always take the high road and never say a single thing that might make someone experience a negative feeling?
So here's another example to consider (please, consider it honestly). It's an example of my saying "I told you so" about something positive.
My younger colleague is only out of graduate school a couple of years, and she was preparing for her clinical social work licensing exam. I'm one of the people who helped her prepare, and I'm one of her mentors.
The day before the exam, she's very nervous. Can't sleep, can't eat lunch, stomach in knots. I remind her that she knows this stuff, she's proven it daily with me, she's studied more than sufficiently, and in the past she's proven to perform well under stress--she tends to snap into "crisis mode" and remembers information and applies it even under pressure. She kept saying that she feels like she's going to freeze up, and she's almost convinced she'll fail and have to try again next year. She's even considering calling and postponing the exam. I again reassure her with the kinds of things I just said.
She took the exam, and passed, actually doing very well. Now she's licensed.
My response is "Yay, I'm so happy for you! I knew you could do it--I told you so, didn't I? Now remember what I told you the next time you get all nervous like that."
Now in that example,
Is my "I told you so" reflecting my need for praise or about my arrogance or self-importance?
Is it hurtful to her?
Could she take it the wrong way, in a negative way? How?
Is it even slightly, remotely, possible that the next time she faces a challenge and she gets herself extremely anxious, she might remember how I reassured her about how she tends to handle these things well once she faces them, how she's likely to succeed despite her worries?
Might she ever even tell herself "TracySam pointed this out to me back when I took my licensing exam, and she was right then. I think she'd probably tell me the same thing about this current situation, and she'd probably be right again."
I've learned similar lessons from past mentors whom I respected. Part of the process of introjecting and internalizing the things I learned from them involved me reminding myself silently what they said, especially when those lessons were reinforced with an "I told you so." These were usually things related to my confidence in myself. I told you you could handle it. I told you you had the ability to do it.
My response is "Yay, I'm so happy for you! I knew you could do it--I told you so, didn't I? Now remember what I told you the next time you get all nervous like that."
Now in that example,
Is my "I told you so" reflecting my need for praise or about my arrogance or self-importance?
Is it hurtful to her?
Could she take it the wrong way, in a negative way? How?
Is it even slightly, remotely, possible that the next time she faces a challenge and she gets herself extremely anxious, she might remember how I reassured her about how she tends to handle these things well once she faces them, how she's likely to succeed despite her worries?
Might she ever even tell herself "TracySam pointed this out to me back when I took my licensing exam, and she was right then. I think she'd probably tell me the same thing about this current situation, and she'd probably be right again."
But why not just say "There was no need to worry. You did just fine. Next time you get stressed out, just have more faith in yourself." Why do you have to make it about what YOU said so YOU can take credit?
Almost everyone rebels against their parents and as they get older, many of them realize that they are saying and doing the very same things their parents said and did. There's a reason - you may not survive as successfully unless you develop certain skills and those skills are often "picked up" in childhood from the people around you.
If you advise someone to do or say something and you then have the occasion to tell them, "I told you so!" and you say it to them, lots of people will resent it. That's just the way people are. It is a rare individual who can admit they were wrong and you were right.
Some people will go out of their way to do the opposite of what you advise just because. Is there any logic or intelligence to this? NO! do they do it? YES!
I have had the occasion to say I told you so a million times but after saying it so much, I now talk to myself when the person is out of earshot because no one likes it.
But why not just say "There was no need to worry. You did just fine. Next time you get stressed out, just have more faith in yourself." Why do you have to make it about what YOU said so YOU can take credit?
No! Not at all! I'm not trying to take credit for anything. She was the one who succeeded, and who had the capacity & ability to succeed, but doubted herself. In her crisis of confidence, which many of us have early in our careers, she was not trusting her own perception, but was more likely to trust mine, since I was mentoring her. In relationships with mentors, therapists, coaches, and even parents, we sometimes "borrow" their confidence in us, their perception of something, or their experiences they share, until we fully incorporate it into our own perception and sense of self. It's not a life-long thing, where this woman is going to be asking herself "what would TracySam advise?" for the rest of her life. It's just for a transitional period. Until the person develops confidence in their own competence.
My nephew is a super-athlete who feels a lot of pressure at times. He has a coach he really respects, and he looks up to him. Sometimes in a crisis of confidence, he may have to rely on hearing his coach's voice in his head telling him "you can do this...do it this way, like I showed you..." After he succeeds, his coach might say "didn't I tell you?" or "what did I tell you?" both forms of "I told you so." It's not about the coach, it's about my nephew introjecting the coach's messages into himself. Eventually, he gains confidence and he thinks it in his own voice.
No! Not at all! I'm not trying to take credit for anything. She was the one who succeeded, and who had the capacity & ability to succeed, but doubted herself. In her crisis of confidence, which many of us have early in our careers, she was not trusting her own perception, but was more likely to trust mine, since I was mentoring her. In relationships with mentors, therapists, coaches, and even parents, we sometimes "borrow" their confidence in us, their perception of something, or their experiences they share, until we fully incorporate it into our own perception and sense of self. It's not a life-long thing, where this woman is going to be asking herself "what would TracySam advise?" for the rest of her life. It's just for a transitional period. Until the person develops confidence in their own competence.
But she survived her crisis of confidence and proven that she can do it ... this is the perfect opportunity to encourage her to trust her own perception of herself. To put the focus on HER and what SHE achieved. That she doesn't need YOUR confidence. This is the BEST time to not make it about YOU. That's where the true transition is.
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