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So, I have a friend who has invited me to more than a few of his parties he has and events his building has. Just to be clear, I am a woman and my friend is a guy. Well, he invited me to a housewarming party a couple of months ago and I went. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! But I was very cordial and made sure to ask her questions, etc.
Now, the housewarming party wasn't a good turnout. I invited two friends and then it was him and his girlfriend. My friend and I work together and we would often talk about things that happen in the office. I noticed her staring weirdly at me a couple of times to the point where it made me extremely uncomfortable. My friend is a cool guy and I have no romantic interest in him at all! But he's a cool hang out buddy.
The thing is, he has been inviting me to quite a few events recently, and I always say that I'll try to make it - but never actually show up. I just don't feel comfortable and don't want to be grilled by his girlfriend anymore. He's even mentioned the fact that I haven't hung out with him and no longer extends these offers.
Should I bring this up with my friend? Or, if not, what is the best way to handle this?
OP, you sure are letting a relatively short meet and greet affect your opinion of your friend's GF. What's "staring weirdly" mean? And only for a couple of times. How did she react to the questions you asked her? Open and friendly or closed and unfriendly? Were either of the two friends you invited gals? If so, how did the GF act with them? Bubbly and friendly or more weird stares? Are they also friends with your guy friend? If either of your invited friends were guys, how did the GF interact with them?
You could be misinterpreting the GF's feelings for you. If you value your friend's friendship don't let that happen. Try this............
Next time you see him at work, and as appropriate to the context of the conversation, ask how his GF is doing and say what a wonderful, terrific, amazing person she is and see how he reacts. If the GF is cool with you then most likely he'll beam with pleasure and thank you and in return tell you how much she likes you. If he looks away, frowns, hems and haws, kicks at the floor, then that could mean she's "uncool" with you. If the former, ask about another invite (making absolutely sure it will include the GF too....if she's not going to be there don't go.) but if it's the latter, lay off, keep the friendship confined to the workplace, and don't even bother trying to find out why she has problems with you. If he thinks its important for you to know, I guess he'll bring it up.
Let us know how it goes!
Last edited by NavyMustang; 08-26-2014 at 03:42 PM..
Reason: fixed some bad wording
You say you don't want to be grilled by his girlfriend anymore, but didn't say anything about her actually grilling you. What did she do?
That's what I would like to know. The OP first said the GF was staring at her oddly? Usually people who do that stay away from you, they don't come over and start asking tons of questions.
So which is it? Did she come out at you and grill you, or was she "stand offish" and stare? It's usually not both.
Also the OP says they now say they will come to these events and than is a no show, not much of a friend. Just say you can't make it if you know you're not going to go, be a little considerate.
The two work together, go find some other friends.
As one poster said "don't crap where you eat".
Besides, why spend your downtime/social time talking about the office. Get some other interests and friends.
I would tactfully and carefully mention to him that I think his lady might not care for me much, and that's OK...but you don't want things to be awkward or weird and you respect their relationship. A possibly successful relationship is after all, more of an important life-thing than a casual friendship. I'd wrap it up with "We're still cool, OK, if you ever need a friend, I'm totally there for ya...I just don't want to cause any drama or discomfort for her."
I had to back out of a friendship of 20 years, my "best friend" since high school married a woman with kids...she would drunk dial me and demand that I accept her and try to establish how similar we were and how our families should go to the beach together...and then one day she suddenly just wasn't ok with me anymore. Started saying nasty things about me to him all the time. I had no idea until one day I called and she picked up the phone and then laid into me about how he didn't want to talk to me anymore and so on. Really wild. I emailed him and he said he just got tired of fighting her on the subject of me, and let her think whatever she wanted about what kind of person I was. Well. I just backed out with the stance that their marriage (he's stepdad to her kids now too, and it's great for him) and family is more important than even our very long friendship, and I don't want to be cause for problems. And of course if he ever needs me, he knows how to get in touch. That was it....no more contact for a year or 2 now. It hurt, and then it made me angry, and now I'm over it.
I am a woman who has only had male friends my entire life. This has happened to me 87659 times. Girlfriends are ALWAYS jealous of female friends (at least in the beginning of their relationship). It doesn't matter that you don't "like him like that" she is very insecure and suspicious of you. You can play it two ways 1.) completely dodge him until he dumps her (usually won't take long if she's that insecure) 2.) go to every single thing he invites you to and ignore him and hang out with her making an enormous effort to be nonthreatening hoping to get in her good graces.
You'll know it's going wrong if/when she starts putting you down to him and causing conflict in your relationship, urging him to get a different job, etc.
I've been in this situation as well. I can usually end up becoming at least cordial w the woman if i do #2 stated above. Maybe even ask her if she wants to hang w you one on one if they become close. (It won't ALWAYS work. I am sadly no longer friends w my former bff due to his wife not being mature enough to handle our friendship, her passive aggressive behaviors, etc)
But I guess I'm the only one here who thinks you SHOULD probably talk to him about it, IF #1 above does not happen and she just doesn't fade out on her own.
I should stipulate that if you are just a "work friend" then it is less important to bring up. If you consider him a "good friend" who will stay in touch after the job, then open and honest communication is necessary and to be expected imho.
I count my colleagues as professional contacts. when I am out of my work I leave them there. Specially I am not woman who hang out with men that much. Some few female colleagues I keep in touch out side of the work. I think you should not hang too much with him, I had the feeling that if he got the chance to have sex with you he will do that too behind his girl friend. And is it worth being condemned by colleagues girl friend? I don't think so.
I would tactfully and carefully mention to him that I think his lady might not care for me much, and that's OK...but you don't want things to be awkward or weird and you respect their relationship. A possibly successful relationship is after all, more of an important life-thing than a casual friendship. I'd wrap it up with "We're still cool, OK, if you ever need a friend, I'm totally there for ya...I just don't want to cause any drama or discomfort for her."
I had to back out of a friendship of 20 years, my "best friend" since high school married a woman with kids...she would drunk dial me and demand that I accept her and try to establish how similar we were and how our families should go to the beach together...and then one day she suddenly just wasn't ok with me anymore. Started saying nasty things about me to him all the time. I had no idea until one day I called and she picked up the phone and then laid into me about how he didn't want to talk to me anymore and so on. Really wild. I emailed him and he said he just got tired of fighting her on the subject of me, and let her think whatever she wanted about what kind of person I was. Well. I just backed out with the stance that their marriage (he's stepdad to her kids now too, and it's great for him) and family is more important than even our very long friendship, and I don't want to be cause for problems. And of course if he ever needs me, he knows how to get in touch. That was it....no more contact for a year or 2 now. It hurt, and then it made me angry, and now I'm over it.
Your story is very interesting and sad, but you're talking about a 20 yr friendship since high school, these two work together in an office.
I would be willing to be it is a "casual friendship".
She even said they stand around and talk about work at these social events, which show their "work buddies" and nothing more. Keep it in the office and go out to lunch on work days.
Time to find friends outside of the workplace.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurch
I count my colleagues as professional contacts. when I am out of my work I leave them there. Specially I am not woman who hang out with men that much. Some few female colleagues I keep in touch out side of the work. I think you should not hang too much with him, I had the feeling that if he got the chance to have sex with you he will do that too behind his girl friend. And is it worth being condemned by colleagues girl friend? I don't think so.
That's the smart way to do it. Keep your personal and professional life separate.
Most of us who work in the office have located from other areas and making friends in Chicago isn't the easiest. So we occasionally hang out together, to those who questioned. Also, yes, I have other interests, but we share the commonality of working in Finance, so we talk about it.
My friends are preoccupied with other matters such as school and significant others, so I'd rather hang with coworkers instead of sitting in the house. And I only have two friends from college in Chicago. Most young chicago professionals from the city keep their same group of friends ( so i've been told)
I'm still social with the guy except I keep it strictly to work. I know he sent me a FB message last night and then another coworker of ours invited me to an event where they will both me, but I wasn't able to make it. I would have went because I know only the coworkers were going.
Ok, so he and his girlfriend invited you to a housewarming, and you brought two friends, and you were the only ones there?
He is not very good at attracting people, but you tend to come, so that's why he invites you.
My friends' GF makes me feel uncomfortable. Should I tell him?
No. You'll just end up getting caught in the middle. They'll both end up being pissed off at you, long after they're done being pissed at each other.
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My friends' GF makes me feel uncomfortable. Should I tell him?
