my sister, my mom and me (jealous, wife, presents, person)
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My sister and I took my mom away for the weekend as a Mother's Day gift. We went to really nice cabin in the mountains that has a cute town and some great natural sights. It was supposed to be nice and fun and relaxing. It was also my birthday on Friday.
My mom took us both out for dinner on Friday and we wished her happy mothers day and then they wished me happy birthday and then my sister said "it's my 1/2 birthday so lets celebrate that too!". I thought, can't there be one time when it isn't about her too? Can't she let other people (my mom and me) have a special time?
The cabin is nestled in the mountains with special formations and such. There would be no hiking, just scenic views. We were going to visit the mountains on Friday, but we got there late so decided to wait until Sunday, the day we were to leave. There was horse show going as well, which we could have gone to on Saturday.
All we did this who trip was shop, because my sister was looking for stuff for her house and presents for her grown kids. Oh, and we ate at expensive restraurants.
My sister has a "dairy" allergy (she really doesn't but thinks it makes her fat) so eating out with her is always a pleasure (not). She tells the waiter, "I can't eat dairy so can they make this without cheese?". I order the cheese burger and milkshake or nachos (because I like those things).
I have a normal figure, not fat but not skinny. She does too but for some strange reason she has to work it. She watches what i eat like a hawk! It's very disturbing! I guess she doesn't see how I can eat fries, shakes and not get fat.
When we woke up yesterday, it was foggy and rainy. Of course our excursion to the scenic view was out. I was livid because all we did was shop on Saturday because that's what she wanted to go.
I asked the hotel guy if the fog usually lifts and he said it probably would. Also, he said if we went to the scenic view, we would be above the fog and it would be really pretty. My sister didn't want to make the drive, it was foggy. She also didn't want to wait a few hours until the weather got better, but I'm not sure why. I was all for waiting but she said the weather probably wouldn't get any better.
On the way home, she wanted to stop at a shopping center! I said no to that however we still stopped at a Pier 1 and Home Goods.
I feel like I was totally disregarded on this trip. My poor mom could see how I felt but didn't do anything or stick up for me. My mom is passive agressive and has never been one to stick up for herself or her children. As a result, we have all basically raised ourselves and I think some of my brothers and my sister have become bullies. Or at least have tendencies for bullying.
Just so you all know, my sister and I have been meeting once a month for dinner to work on our relationship but I don't think it's working. She is critical and mean to me. I could say something and she will say it's stupid but someone else could say the exact same thing and she will agree.
We just don't get along and it's pains me. Yes, I 've told her this and we both said we would work on our relationship, dispite our intentions, it's not getting any better.
I'm afraid that she and I will never have a good relationship. I'm afraid that I just have to realize this and move on. The problem is it bothers me. And she probably knows this and is loving it somehow.
Anyone have any advice on how to deal with a sister that is selfish and just doesn't care?
OP-you're in all or nothing mode and it's just making you angry. There are other ways.
You have to learn to speak up. If you wanted to go to the horse show-you could have suggested that you all split the day. Perhaps horse show AM till early afternoon, then shopping after lunch. By the way, did your mom want to go to a horse show ?
For Sunday, you could have gone by yourself to see the view or taken your mom with you and left your sister at the cabin for a few hours.
Try learning to make your feelings known & then to compromise. If you do this type of trip again, see if you can plan out the activities before you go so that everyone gets to do some of what they would like. However, if it's a Mom's day trip, then Mom gets to choose.
You're all adults, the dye is cast. If you want to have a productive relationship with your sister, adjust your expectations and accept her for who she is because she's not going to change.
I have an older sibling who I have never, ever gotten along with. He plays his games, postures and positions so that he can look better and whenever possible make me look worse and I let it roll off my back. It drives my wife insane because she believes I'm clearly a better person and doesn't deserve to be treated as such. But I know he'll never change and so I can either have a relationship with him or not. I choose to have one, but in limited doses. Plus, I never take his bait and engage him in debate over anything because I don't care if he thinks I'm right, I just don't respect his opinion or position on most things. However I love him despite his flaws and understand that his desire to achieve or exert dominance comes from a fundamental insecurity that he's struggled with his whole life and I can't hold that against him; it's his lifelong albatross.
If you can't find a similar perspective then you're wasting your time even trying. Love your sister for who she is, warts and all or accept that you're never going to.
It might also be a good idea to never go away on trips with your sister again. My sister and I get along pretty well now, but when we were young we didn't. I went away on two trips with her, and both times her self-centeredness was overwhelming to me and we ended up really angry at each other A 2-3 hour visit I can handle, but several days together, day and night, no way.
So maybe in the future, you and your mom might do something together, then your sister and mom can do something together without you, but just forget the idea of all three of you enjoying several days together.
I agree with the others also that since the trip was for your mom, she should have been the one to decide on the activities. If she chose to give in to your sister, that was her choice. If the trip was for your birthday, then you should have been able to choose the activities.
On a side note, I never understand people who want to waste a nice trip by shopping. I mean, you can shop every day, in stores or online, so why go shopping when you're away at a new place? Especially at Pier One or Home Goods. I mean, I could see maybe stopping in a gift shop that sells stuff that's particular to the place you're visiting, but please, Home Goods and Pier One are everywhere!
We have done several of these trips together. They mean a lot to my Mom.
My Mom wanted to do something besides shopping as well, but she doesn't speak up either. So that just leaves me and if my sister doesn't want to do anything but shop, she will find a way to make it inconvenient for us to do anything but what she wants to do. Hope this makes sense.
On past trips together, we did do tourist stuff and it was good. For some reason, this town had some cute shops and my sister wanted to go in every single one of them. Then when it got to stopping at Pier 1 and TJMaxx, I was livid but with my mom in the car, and with it being the end of the trip, I was like "whatever, just get this trip over with!".
My sister and I are in our 50's. My mom is in her 80's. My sister and I have always had a strained relationship. Because she is older, she feels that she should always get her way. Or, if I do something good (like graduating college) or getting a promotion, she NEVER says anything like Good Job or Congratulations!. I think she is jealous of me on some weird level that maybe even she doesn't know about.
What really bothers me is that I thought with monthly dinners, we would be able to talk and get along better, but it only worked for a while. After that, it just reverted back to the way it was. Sad.
If the area you went to is known for cute little shops I can see why that was a big part of the day. Couldn't scenery be taken it at the same time? Did something physically stop you from driving to a lookout point and snaping a few photos? I'm not seeing the horribleness of the weekend in what you described, more like excuses to be mad at your sister. If you and your mom wanted to do something else you should have just done it, don't ask, don't beg, don't suggest, just take control and say "I want to go to "xxx" now so grab a sweater and lets get there before noon", or whatever.
I'm sorry you didn't see the horse show and that the fog rolled in and you got there too late on Friday...but that's life.
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