After a person changes their ways, do you still limit contact or continue no contact? (boyfriend, member)
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Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 26 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,361,544 times
Reputation: 5382
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With all the threads I've read about members cutting ties or limiting contact with family & friends, my question is in those rare instances when a person decides to change their ways into a positive one and taking responsibility for their actions, do you still continue not to have contact or limit it?
My opinion is someone might see it as pointless in turning their life around when members of their family & friends continue to limit contact or cut ties after getting the help that is needed to make their life better.
If someone decided to change their life for the better, I would want to have some contact with them. I think most people would want to reconcile with estranged family members if they have truly changed. Sometimes it takes time to win back someone's trust so people may be wary or choose to limit their contact at first.
It depends. One of my best friends got addicted to Meth. He became insane. We reconnected a dozen years lat r after he went through rehab and straightened his life out. I slowly let him in and everything came tumbling down. He started acting crazy, he is cut off for good. He has tried countless times to get in touch with me, but too late.
I have mentioned that I am a recovering addict. I have not seen my daughter in about seven years. Despite the fact that I have two years of sobriety, she still wants nothing to do with me. The unanswered messages became too hard for me. I let her know if she wanted to ever see me, I'll be here, however, it hurts too much to keep checking for messages from her which never come. She is my only child. It hurts. I have decided to let it go as best I can and turn it over to God.
When people do things like abuse alcohol (or drugs) they do not realize that although they know they have changed for the better (for the ones of us who get help), we are not always going to be welcomed back with open arms by the ones we have hurt. It really is their choice to make and we cannot control them anymore than they had any control of us when we chose our addictions over them.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 26 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,361,544 times
Reputation: 5382
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13
If someone decided to change their life for the better, I would want to have some contact with them. I think most people would want to reconcile with estranged family members if they have truly changed. Sometimes it takes time to win back someone's trust so people may be wary or choose to limit their contact at first.
That's how I feel too. Depending on what was done, everyone deserves a second chance. If they happen to go back to their old ways that was negatively affecting their life and those around them, then it's justified to limit contact or cut ties for good. No more chances after that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot
It depends why the contact was cut to begin with. If they stole from me there is nothing they can do to get back in my good graces.
Usually when people steal, it's because of addiction issues
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosebyanothername
I have mentioned that I am a recovering addict. I have not seen my daughter in about seven years. Despite the fact that I have two years of sobriety, she still wants nothing to do with me. The unanswered messages became too hard for me. I let her know if she wanted to ever see me, I'll be here, however, it hurts too much to keep checking for messages from her which never come. She is my only child. It hurts. I have decided to let it go as best I can and turn it over to God.
When people do things like abuse alcohol (or drugs) they do not realize that although they know they have changed for the better (for the ones of us who get help), we are not always going to be welcomed back with open arms by the ones we have hurt. It really is their choice to make and we cannot control them anymore than they had any control of us when we chose our addictions over them.
I can't imagine how diifficult that is for you. Stay strong on your sobriety
It depends on why I limited contact in the 1st place.
Now, no grudge holding. That's not healthy and can make one hateful. But if I limited contact due to trust issues, or issues of betrayal, then even if they seemed to have changed, contact would still be limited. Not necessarily because I hate them. But because, once my trust is broken, or I feel betrayed, it's hard to trust after that.
A second chance is fine, but only the one who's been hurt can decide if a second chance is deserved, or not. Obviously the one that did the wronging and double-crossing can say they deserve another chance. But they weren't the ones that got hurt.
Some people have certain beliefs about what they'll give a 2nd chances on.
When it is a matter of actions based on being selfish, a bully, manipulative, etc., I just have never seen these people change. It is who they are, their personality, so I haven't ever let them back in. And none have ever apologized, either.
With all the threads I've read about members cutting ties or limiting contact with family & friends, my question is in those rare instances when a person decides to change their ways into a positive one and taking responsibility for their actions, do you still continue not to have contact or limit it?
My opinion is someone might see it as pointless in turning their life around when members of their family & friends continue to limit contact or cut ties after getting the help that is needed to make their life better.
Totally depends on why they were cut off. My mother was cut of because she's an emotional vampire (narcissist) and there is very little hope she will ever change. Even if she did say she's changed.. I probably wouldn't have contact again. Sad but true.
I cut off a really close friend for being a heroin addict and letting her boyfriend abuse her. I just couldn't take seeing her like that and she refused help of any kind. Since then she has cleaned up and married a wonderful man. However, we still aren't anywhere near as close as we used to be. Basically just FB friends though I did go to her wedding.
It is really more about protecting yourself than the other person. I think if it is too emotionally draining to have them around then you should not invite them back. Things like stealing, you can always try again but there should be a limit to how many "second chances" a person should get.
Personally I never have, any change in behavior is generally skin deep. The same stuff that you that you excommunicated that person for is still there and it will lull you in and ********* at the worst time.
I don't grudge hold, I simply eliminate that person from my life like they never existed.
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