I have to add to this thread now. I grew up in a life where my parents had both had marriages before their own.
At the time of my birth, my mother was 38, my father was 52.
I am one of 6 brothers and sisters. My oldest brother is gone from this world. He was the worst person I know. Now, he was not a bad person to me, in my life, he was a good person. Mut in his life, he was a truly evil, bad person. He was evil to my mother, to my father, to both wives, to his children.
to animals, to himself.
Growing up, they all were older than me, and most had moved out of the house, all except for my brother who was 6 when I was born, my protector. Even now, when we are all grown up, with our own families, my protector.
My father brought 2 children to the marriage. One daughter, one son. The son, being now, my brother who passed away. Their mother died from breast ca when they were in their early teens. My sister, now in her middle 50s forever resenting my brother. He was in his 50s when he died.
All of us, resenting him and his evil ways. When I was a child, he was nice to me. Took me places, when I was born, he already had 2 children. My nephew, growing up, was my best friend.
Sean. Where he is in this life, right now, I have no idea. I have not seen him in more than 17 years, but growing up, my best friend. I was a tomboy, always riding the trails in the woods with him, we built forst, went to the place where they would store sand, and we would get to the top of it, and just moon jump down.
My childhood was good, I thought. As an adult, who has experienced a bad marriage, and an awakening, I can see things from my childhood.
My mother brought 3 children to the marriage. My second to the oldest sister, and my 2 brothers. They resented her new marriage, and in time, so did my mother.
I never understood why they were always yelling. Never, until many years later.
I was daddys girl, and I didn't know why my mother looked at him with such hatrid, why they argued. i know now, after going through many of the things in my own life.
I can look back now, remembering the despair in her eyes, the depression, the dark. The hurt and pain. I can remember looking in the mirror, relizing one day, that I was her. I was my mother, many years after she had passed away, I looked in the mirror and I did not see my reflection, but hers. It took me back to my childhood, back to everything, and I had such sorrow for my mother, my eyes were sad, they were her brown eyes looking at me in the mirror. Her brown eyes reflecting off of my brown eyes. I felt her pain, because at that moment, her pain was my pain.
My father treated her so badly. I never realized when I was a young child, but looking back, now as an adult, I see it. he was my Daddy, and then, to me, no better man in the world. I would go to the hardware store with him, help him out in the yard.
I took care of him as he died. i never told my parents I loved them. Ours was a house where the words were not spoken. I love you was not said, and it took me a long time to be comfortable to hear those words, to say them.
I never told my father, but he knew. I know he knew. He lay there in that hospital bed, and drifted away from me. My mother sitting next to the bed, me standing. He was gone. His eyes still open. I was 21. I had a son, 11 months old at the time. He was gone. Just like he was there, he was gone.
I cried, I had never once told him I loved him. I didn't know those words. I knew tham as a parent to my son, and he hears them every day of his life, he and my daughter hear it, they feel it every day. From the time before I had evenn given birth to them , until this very day.
I didn't know what to do. I cried, at the loss of my father. Cancer took him. The strong man he always was to me, it took him. He was 73. He was 73, and I took care of him for a good while before he died, watching him deteriorate by the day.
I told him that day as I cried, I love you. I hugged his body. After that day, I started telling my mother. She left me there that morning. She left me at the hospital after he died. I was alone, next to him, my head in my hands. I had to call funeral homes, make decisions that I should not have had to make on that morning.
But this is what we do, when we love someone. I sat for hours waiting for my oldest sister to get to the hospital. He died on february 7, 1995. My mother on december 24, 2000.
They are both gone from this world, but remain forever in my heart. My mother was a good provider to me. my father, he was the one who did things with me, took me places. my mother... bought my love. She could not say the words, so she paid for them. I would rather have had nothing in my life, but those words, but I didn't.
I was as an only child almost, and my brothers and sisters from her marriage resented me. She was very poor before I came, and they never had anything, after marrying my father, she was able to have things in her life, and she bought me things.
I felt that she showed them love, and bought me things. They hated me.
I felt that too, except for my brother, 6 years older than me, my protector. I was his tag along kid sister.
My sister did not love me, she resented me, my mothers daughter. As we grew older, that changed, and especially after my mom died.
Everything changed after she died. All of us brothers and sisters, we love eachother, and we say it, when ever we speak on the phone.
I never really knew how toxic my life was to me, growing up, it was normal for me, because it was my life.
I sit here now, and having gone through that life, then a very painful marriage, painful and toxic, I have overcome, and I have grown.
I am now a very happy woman, in a very happy new life, my old one behind me, but with my children, forever with me.
So, that is me.
What I did, about my sister who was they was she was... After my mother died, I had hatrid towards her, to the things she was doing, as executor of my moms estate, it was all about money, and I never in my life thought that would happen.
My mother left me 50k dollars, and I didn't want it. I needed it so badly, but i didn't want it. it was in her will that I get it, and she kept on with the did you get the check yet, blah blah blah.
They made me get out of my mothers house, which I was trying to buy, and in doing that, my Grandmother that I was caring for, also had to get out. I could no longer care for my Grandmother, because I could not afford to house her. there in my mothers house, I could.
I hated my sister. I hated what she had done to me.
Then I realized, i cannot have hatrid like this in my life, in my heart. I went to my preacher and cried to him one day after the service.
I told him that I had this hatrid in myheart, and it was wrong. Got your bible Robyn? He said to me. I pulled it out, and he said to turn to a certain scripture, and I did. The answer was there. The whole time. After that day, I loved my sister, I loved them all.
Today, I still do. there is an answer to every question in life. You just have to find the answer, that applies to your life, in your time. Once that happens, from my experience, I can tell you now. Life is wonderful, and it is what we make it, what we allow it.
now, that was a novel. Thank you for this thread, sorry if I hijacked it for a few, and your thread has allowed me to geet some things out that lie dormant. They are out now, and they are where they need to be, in the past, and out. One day, you'll say the same thing.
In your own time. Take a step forward.
cinderobyn
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