Very resentful towards mother/family.. (spouse, father, husband, siblings)

[HappyPenguin]

I'm a 35 yr old married woman. I have been married for a little over a year. I have a wonderful husband and career I enjoy. The one thing lacking in my life are family ties. My mother got pregnant with me at 21 and my biological father didn't want to be involved with us. She then met my adopted father one year later and he raised me as his daughter. My mother had two more children with my adoptive father. For many years my mother made me feel that I wasn't part of the family. She picked on me relentlessly as a child/teen and continues now that I'm an adult. She picked favorites and pitted my siblings against me. She is very close with my sister and they have a bond I always wanted. My mother still tries to push my buttons but over the last few years I have made it clear I won't tolerate it anymore.

I don't see my parents very often for these reasons. I also don't really have a relationship with my siblings. I tried for many years but got sick of being disappointed or put down to I put an end to trying.

My father and sister share the same birthday, and my mother invited my husband and I to her home to celebrate. I initially told her we couldn't come because the last two times we invited my parents out to dinner, my mother canceled. But then of course I get the guilty text from my mother accusing me of not loving her anymore. So I caved and we went. Going to my parents house is always very awkward for me because I don't fit in with the rest of the family and my siblings. I don't have that bond with any of them and I'm very resentful of the past. My mother tries to pick on me and everyone just acts like it's ok. I defend myself but then get made to be the bad guy.

It was very uncomfortable at my parents home and everyone could tell. I feel very guilty for feeling the way I do, but then at the same time I'm not the one who made things this way..

On my drive home tonight my mother then sent me another text asking me why I don't enjoy spending time with any of them. I told her I was very resentful and it was just too late to try to change things. It won't change because she wont admit anything was/is wrong.
I just don't know how to move forward..

[Delaware Davy]

Some parents are toxic. You seem to have accepted that fact about yours; and that's good!

Now put the whole familial mess behind you. Ignore your mother's platitudes, your sisters' indifference, and get on with your life. If it's any comfort, be assured that you're not the only person who's ever had to divorce a family in order to live a happier, more positive, and more constructive life.



REFER: 'While he yet talked to the people, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him. Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee.'

'But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!'

'For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.' - The words of Christ recorded in the Book of Matthew 12:46-50

[sweetana3]

I think time and mental distance might help here a lot. You are establishing your own family and can devote your mental energy to this task. Develop new traditions with your husband and enjoy.

I lived thousands of miles from my family and time helped heal any wounds. As we all aged, we got along better. Old wounds were pretty much forgotten.

So "take a vacation" from family drama and work on great things with your husband.

Beware resentment. It can make you bitter, hold you in one place, and keep you from growing in better relationships. You do not want to hold onto these feelings for 20+ years. I have met some that kept all the resentments and it was all they could talk about.

[Zeurich]

I am sure you are not the only one but don't let your inner spirit to accept that you are left alone. When you accept what ever she does then she also thinks that is fine by you. I think this is happening for some time since you were a kid. Look like she has some issues could be she is blow the hidden anger with your biological father that is possible too.The best thing is let her know how you feel about what she is doing. And take the distance. And focus on your own life.

[JanND]

I strongly suggest counseling. I think it would benefit you, it would help you compartmentalize your resentment. It would validate your childhood experiences, and give you some valuable coping skills since this does obviously still weigh on your mind. Good luck to you.

[Protege]

I have relatives I've permanently cut ties with.

However, holding feelings of resentment, anger, stress, and overall negativity is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. You will live a less happy life, age faster, and possibly die younger.

I always forgive people - not for their sake, but for mine. You don't have to let them know or even talk to them again, but it feels so much better to release negativity.

[harlowvart]

Google 'out of the fog.' It's a forum with a lot of people who have parents or spouses with personality disorders. I think you'd recognize your mother and the way you react to her. I'm sorry she was such a bad parent to you. The guilt around not wanting to be around your parents is huge. I have it too.

I've found that the more time I spend away from them, the happier I am and the less guilt I feel about it. The next time she tries to bully you into doing something you don't want, remember this dinner and how you wanted to say no in the first place.