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Boy, did you blow it! I will give you props for admitting it, and wanting to correct the strained and distant relationship with your sons.
My sons and I have always been close. I worked/work a lot, but always made/make time for them. I have always adored their mother, and have never betrayed her in any way, shape, or form. Sadly, you've done everything to ensure exactly the outcome you have.
Look, when you betray the mother of your children, you essentially betray the children, too. In order to move past that betrayal and mistrust, you'll have to apologize to them---making sure to acknowledge what you actually did do to lose their trust.
BTW, it's never too late to seek family counseling---- if your boys are willing. Also, make them and time with them a top priority.
I'd think just giving them time, not disappearing, taking an interest in their lives. Admit your faults. Be honest. Be open to being their friend. Let them know how important it is to you to be in their lives...when they are ready for you.
This, when my parents divorced I didn't speak to my father for 5 years, he cheated on my mom, got the other woman pregnant, and ended up marrying her. Of course I felt he betrayed my mother and the rest of us kids.
One day he came to my house and told me he loved me and wanted to be in my life and understood if I didn't forgive him, but that he wanted to be in my life. I said okay.
That was 3 years ago, it's been small steps, but he always makes the effort, calls, emails, messages, comes to see me once a month, makes small talk with us, always asks how my DH is doing on the phone, etc. When I got pregnant he cried he was so happy, and him and his wife even threw me a baby shower and so on (that was only recently).
The point is he continued to make the effort and I regret that we didn't speak for 5 years. And we talked, he said he was scared to approach me for many years but finally bit the bullet and did it.
Continue to make the effort, ask to speak to them one on one, tell them you are sorry for what happened but love them regardless and want to make amends with them. NEVER speak ill of their mother either. And if they tell you how upset they are/were with you don't try to defend yourself, just say "I understand" - basically ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings and tell them you hope they can forgive you so you can all move forward.
Do what you've been doing. Go slow. It will take time. Right now, they aren't trusting that you're going to stick around for the long haul, or that maybe you don't want something. The only way you'll change that is to take baby steps and not give up. You are rebuilding trust right now, in ways I think are very nice. Just realize that it's not going to happen overnight.
Boy, did you blow it! I will give you props for admitting it, and wanting to correct the strained and distant relationship with your sons.
My sons and I have always been close. I worked/work a lot, but always made/make time for them. I have always adored their mother, and have never betrayed her in any way, shape, or form. Sadly, you've done everything to ensure exactly the outcome you have.
Look, when you betray the mother of your children, you essentially betray the children, too. In order to move past that betrayal and mistrust, you'll have to apologize to them---making sure to acknowledge what you actually did do to lose their trust.
BTW, it's never too late to seek family counseling---- if your boys are willing. Also, make them and time with them a top priority.
Finally. Somebody gets it. I've always said that. You cheat on your wife, you cheat on your kids.
I hope you have a lovely holiday with your wife and children.
My step dad who raised me and I call dad met my mom when he was married and had 3 children. I was the only one who did not know he was married when he met my mom. I actually found out after my mom and step dad were divorced. So it had been about 30 years.
My step dad and his son had a very rocky relationship growing up. After I found out my mom told me my step brother had a hard time with the break up of his mom and dad in this manner probably. I also think my step dad had little patience with his kids including me. He also worked a lot. Now my step dad and his son are best friends and even I am closer to my step dad who I still call dad even though my mom and him are divorced. A big thing that helped was that he apologized for his mistakes. He also has made a huge effort to be there for his kids and is being more consistent and trustworthy. Small things like even calling to say hi and see how life is going can stat to rebuild the relationship.
When I found out that my step dad was married when he met my mom I was around 30. It was actually told to me by a family member. Even though it was not the break up of my parents I had questions of why my step dad that. I also think my mom was very wrong. I think it makes me question how honest they are with things in life in general and it is hard to trust someone like that. So I can really imagine not only the pain it causes a whole family with the affair but also there are trust issues and you wonder if the person lies on other issues.
I truly feel you need to have a conversation with your son's and apologize for the pain this has caused the family and acknowledge the mistakes you have made. You could even say you want to build a relationship with your sons but understand it will take time.
As for being busy with work. Really even taking one hour to meet for coffee can show you care and are trying to take time.
Just to answer a few questions, no, I did not verbally abuse their mother. We surely had many arguments in front of them but we always managed to keep a line of respect (no name calling, etc). Yes, I did apologise to her but she didn't accept my apologies (I expected it to be honest). And no, I'm not with the other woman, it was an affair that ended when my ex-wife found out. I'm on my own right and wish to remain that way.
I followed the advice of some here and I called my oldest son to invite him to coffee. He refused at first saying we didn't have anything to talk about but I told him I just wanted him to listen to what I have to say, it's just a conversation between two grown men and nothing more.
I wouldn't try this with the youngest, though. I tried to call him once and he answered just to say he still thinks I'm scum and that I should only contact him regarding something to do with his grandfather (my father). We used to go to the same gym and he started going to another just so we didn't bump into each other all the time.
You screwed up pretty bad... You're not trustworthy and you're a liar - that's what they're thinking. You can't force them to like you or to want to interact with you. All you can do is make an effort. Don't go over the top or be pushy about it. I think family counseling would be a great idea if you could get them to agree to it. Hell, maybe even your ex and yourself could go just to get on better terms as I think that would help immensely. If your ex is still hurting over it, your kids probably notice and it makes them even more angry with you.
And yes, you're right when you say work is a lame excuse. They are/were far more important than any work I've ever had. Unfortunately, I can't have those years back.
My ex is trying to make it up to our children but it has been a long process for them all and I don't know that they will ever in their hearts forgive him but they seem to be going his way to establish adult relationships. for which I give them credit. and I give him credit for hanging in and trying to establish something with them.
But they have his number and while I have tried so hard to be neutral to positive; they know he wasn't what he should have been because they saw it.
So keep taking little steps so that they know you are serious about establishing relationships. Remember they are half you and have always loved you; they are just shielding their hearts now.
You screwed up pretty bad... You're not trustworthy and you're a liar - that's what they're thinking. You can't force them to like you or to want to interact with you. All you can do is make an effort. Don't go over the top or be pushy about it. I think family counseling would be a great idea if you could get them to agree to it. Hell, maybe even your ex and yourself could go just to get on better terms as I think that would help immensely. If your ex is still hurting over it, your kids probably notice and it makes them even more angry with you.
I don't want to force them to do anything, I would just like them to give me a second chance...at least as a friend.
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