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So many of you are wonderful at giving valuable advice and suggestions, and sharing your own experiences. I've learned so much from you all and want to give back in the hopes that what I've learned and accepted could help someone else. This is in regards to a problem friend whom I referred to in Kathryn's thread about the bipolar thread (mine isn't bipolar---don't have an exact diagnosis. Definitely depression and anxiety, with narcissism---but labels don't matter---behavior does!). Finally cut off contact with her via e-mail after talking to her on the phone. I had given her an ultimatum that if we didn't get together by the end of January, that our friendship would be over (haven't seen each other for several months). When I got off the phone, I realized how ridiculous it was to beg and give ultimatums to get some face-to-face contact instead of phone calls (most definitely not my preferred method of interaction). There were other problems during the phone call, like when she told me that her boyfriend cut off contact with her, until at least the end of December (!?) I tried to explain what may have led him to that point, but she felt I wasn't being supportive by seeing his side (I was just trying to give constructive feedback). If I have to listen to all her negativity (like whoa is her because she got a new tutoring client who is paying her "only" $75 an hour instead of the $90 she used to get from other clients), then I have to interject my way of thinking to give her a different, more positive perspective and not myself be poisoned by all the negativity. I was just trying to help her reframe it. So I'm really done. Here is what I have learned.
1. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
This is a quote by the late great Maya Angelou. Wanting a potential or actual friend to be a certain way doesn't make it so. When I first met this friend, she didn't have as obvious emotional problems as she does now, but it still was like pulling teeth to get together. After about eighteen months, she stopped all contact with me---never even let me know why. I was miserable about it, wondering what I had done and if she was okay. When she contacted me a year later, I worked on forgiving her and tried to resume the friendship. But it turns out that it wasn't just an anomaly---this behavior is who she is (not valuing friendships, being self-centered and not caring about other people's feelings.
2. Never try to teach a pig to sing; it's a waste of your time and annoys the pig.
If your friend doesn't want to change, all the requests, modeling good friend behavior, ultimatums, fights, etc. isn't going to change them. I've known for a while that I've just been spinning my wheels with this "friend," but today she actually was annoyed for trying to help her and inject a more positive approach to viewing her situation, so I now fully embrace this quote.
3. Large collections can be impressive, but friendship should focus on quality rather than quantity.
Save the large numbers for stamp collections or Facebook "friends" but just having someone who you can say is a friend because you talk or get together doesn't accomplish very much if it sucks your time, energy, money, or soul from you.
4. Being spiritual/religious/a good person does not/should not make you a doormat.
This is a biggie for me as someone who devoted her career to helping others and likes to help people/animals in need. As a meditator and yogi, we focus on lovingkindness towards others. So it was hard to reconcile how I could turn my back on people who were hurtful to me since ostensibly they wouldn't be doing so if they could do better (if they weren't in physical, emotional, financial pain, etc.). This article that I found today sealed the deal for me. I now get it. Self-compassion has to be the focus. Healthy boundaries must be set for mutually appreciative and respectful relationships. Read more here:
I know how it feels. I've been there. I've had to walk away from many friends because I was the one who did all the work, but they made me want to do all the work, so to speak. I just don't know why people can't be more honest with each other. This is why I can't stand people anymore, who think they have to be buddy-buddy with everybody. You can't be friends with anybody, you may be fooling yourself but not anybody else.
The problem is that too many people will take your kindness as a sign of weakness, first opportunity they see. This is why I let few and very few into my inner circle.
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I love this thread. Been there, done that. When it feels one-sided, it's time to leave. Or the friend that continues to have "drama" in their life and blames everyone for their problems.
I'll add another: a friend is there when you need them no matter how inconvenient. and, on the flip side, a friend does not take advantage of this.
Yes!!
I had a "friend" who asked favors all the time. I did all kinds of things for this person for years and years. She'd "repay" me by offering me things I didn't want or bringing me things I didn't ask for. Never thought much about it until the one time I asked her for a real favor. She left me high and dry. Like others have said, I stopped being her doormat after that.
Finding balance in a friendship is a difficult thing, made more difficult by life's ups and downs where one friend might actually need more at a rough patch in life. Like others have said once there is a one sided pattern it is probably time to re-examine the friendship.
I think friendship might be getting more difficult to negotiate these days especially for people outside of the school/university settings. Making time to let a new friendship develop, finding a balance, finding enough in common, finding someone with similar energy levels, and especially given the confusion as to what constitutes a friend after social media has made a mess of things and lowered everyone's expectations of a "friend".
Personally I prefer the drift out method. If a friendship has become a one-sided affair or essentially without merit I prefer to just slowly lose contact rather than "break-ups" because you never know when things will change and it does no good to have negative feelings out there if it's not wholly necessary. If a friend is drifting away, I tend to try harder if I value their friendship but if I get the push away, I just let them go.
Making new close friends is almost tougher than dating IMO.
When someone has constant drama, tiffs with their significant other, problems at work, arguments with friends, misunderstandings with creditors, car problems and all the other stuff, just remember this: The common denominator in all their situations is them.
Hey, everybody has a rough patch. No question. But when someone has constant issues arising all the time, what you're dealing with is a person who simply cannot get it together in his or her life, and you'll pay the price. And do you think they'll ever be there for you? Wouldn't bet on it.
My best friend in high school and college was like that. Great guy, but zero judgement. One nightmare girlfriend after another. The guy had so many wrecks that he wound up with a high-risk in insurance policy. Was fired from several jobs.
There was the time that, at midnight on Sunday, I had to drive 2.5 hours to get the guy out of jail for public drunkenness because if he didn't make it back for a 9 a.m. meeting he would definitely lose his job. There was the time he got engaged to a congenital liar, a woman who lied when the truth was easier. He dumped her when he found out she was lying about some major stuff and -- get this -- got back together with her.
I finally had to distance myself because I was always his go-to guy. He wasn't explicitly using me. I just happened to be the poor slob who would always be relied on. Until I threw in the towel.
He finally got his act together and met someone great who kept him on the straight and narrow. He and I have become friends again, but we just aren't as tight as we once were.
had a "friend" who asked favors all the time. I did all kinds of things for
this person for years and years. She'd "repay" me by offering me things I
didn't want or bringing me things I didn't ask for. Never thought much about it
until the one time I asked her for a real favor. She left me high and dry.
Like others have said, I stopped being her doormat after that.
I've had that happen, so much was expected and the person had to try to make it look reciprocal so they would throw a little bone that has nothing to do with anything you would want or need. Then throw it in your face that they went out of your way to do *useless thing* for you, so you can at least do *major thing* for them.
Plenty of people don't even bother to make it look like they care, they just expect 100% loyalty while giving 0%. Total takers who will never change.
1. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
This is a quote by the late great Maya Angelou. Wanting a potential or actual friend to be a certain way doesn't make it so. When I first met this friend, she didn't have as obvious emotional problems as she does now, but it still was like pulling teeth to get together. After about eighteen months, she stopped all contact with me---never even let me know why. I was miserable about it, wondering what I had done and if she was okay. When she contacted me a year later, I worked on forgiving her and tried to resume the friendship. But it turns out that it wasn't just an anomaly---this behavior is who she is (not valuing friendships, being self-centered and not caring about other people's feelings.
2. Never try to teach a pig to sing; it's a waste of your time and annoys the pig.
If your friend doesn't want to change, all the requests, modeling good friend behavior, ultimatums, fights, etc. isn't going to change them. I've known for a while that I've just been spinning my wheels with this "friend," but today she actually was annoyed for trying to help her and inject a more positive approach to viewing her situation, so I now fully embrace this quote.
Ahhhhh. If only I'd read something like this and taken it to heart a year ago I would have saved myself and several relatives a lot of frustration and heartache. I probably wouldn't have paid attention a year ago, but I will not make the same mistake again.
I'll add another one: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think Dr. Phil says this, and while I'm not a fan of his, I think he's absolutely correct with this statement.
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