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Frankly, your husband sounds pretty self centered.
Yes, but probably not any more than most men. I don't think I've met too many men who aren't self centered. It seems to be part of their DNA. They have a self-confidence and sense of entitlement that eludes most women. I have a full time job, plus I have built a home based business, mostly by myself. I organize every social function and group I am involved in. I have a lot more responsibility and do way more in a day than many people but I don't have much self-confidence. I work with a lot of men and the things they get away with are appalling. Women in the office are treated very differently and are held to different standards.
Last edited by Jakealope; 12-20-2014 at 11:01 AM..
Reason: Left something out.
Being a step mother is difficult. I think a lot of it has to do with feelings the children have, wishing about what their mom could or should have been. Then "that woman" comes along, and even if she embodies those could/should qualities, she is resented. It hurts.
If you really want to do something in the situation, I suggest starting with the smallest thing you can think of and doing that one thing. Have them over for coffee or meet for lunch. See what comes from one small thing. Communicate your hopes and expectations to your husband first and secure his blessing. If he doesn't want to participate, you are going to have a tough time establishing a relationship with his children.
You can't change your H. If he doesn't want a relationship with his kids, you can't make him want one. And maybe he doesn't really want to babysit for them. I would be kind to everyone and just let it be. If he wants to change, he will.
And it's not your 'job' or responsibility. You married him, not his adult children.
I suspect my step-daughters resent me, but I have always felt like it is my husbands responsibility to maintain a relationship with them, and it's not up to me. I find it all very awkward and I get really sad around the holidays.
If everyone involved (or not involved, as the case may be) is an adult, there is nothing you can do about it. Indeed, if you suspect that your step-daughters resent you, I'd advise you to be careful what you wish for. These threads are filled with tales of family drama. In your shoes, I'd actually be kind of grateful. But then again, I'm not huge on family, myself.
Yes, but probably not any more than most men. I don't think I've met too many men who aren't self centered. It seems to be part of their DNA. They have a self-confidence and sense of entitlement that eludes most women. I have a full time job, plus I have built a home based business, mostly by myself. I organize every social function and group I am involved in. I have a lot more responsibility and do way more in a day than many people but I don't have much self-confidence. I work with a lot of men and the things they get away with are appalling. Women in the office are treated very differently and are held to different standards.
You know, maybe, now this is just my opinion, maybe you bring all this on yourself. Being in the military, I worked with nothing but men. And they are not all like you mentioned.
And the person that always takes charge in organizing things and then complains or even mentions that fact, needs to step back and see why?
I've run into too many people that seem to like to organize things, you offer assistance, and suggestions and help but are rebuffed. So I have learned that if I come across someone like this - I just let them do it all. Because in the end whether you helped or not, there will still be complaints. You didn't help, or everything you did was done wrong.
You know, maybe, now this is just my opinion, maybe you bring all this on yourself. Being in the military, I worked with nothing but men. And they are not all like you mentioned.
And the person that always takes charge in organizing things and then complains or even mentions that fact, needs to step back and see why?
I've run into too many people that seem to like to organize things, you offer assistance, and suggestions and help but are rebuffed. So I have learned that if I come across someone like this - I just let them do it all. Because in the end whether you helped or not, there will still be complaints. You didn't help, or everything you did was done wrong.
I find the opposite to be true. Those of us who organize, serve on volunteer committees, volunteer our time etc, are often met with people who don't help out, don't offer any assistance at all EVER, and then complain that things weren't done to suit them. I have stepped back on a lot of organization because I get tired of the complainers who do nothing. I have stepped in and done a lot of organization when no one else would do it, not necessarily because I wanted to "be in charge". When I stopped organizing a couple of groups they fell apart because no one else would step up. And when I run into people who were in the groups some of them ask me when I'm going to start organizing again because they miss it.
Example: I was talking about this very topic with a friend recently. This friend used to put together a football bowl pool for the college bowls. He organized it, collected money, paid the winner, and the pool grew and grew over the years. It became too much work so he decided to stop doing it. He sent out a mass email explaining and said that if anyone wanted to take over he would pass along the email list and spreadsheet that he used every year. No one stepped up to take over and he got a lot of nasty emails from people. No one offered to take over, but they were highly critical of him for "ruining their year". Sheesh!
"I feel like all the pressure is on the wife (me) to try to solve these problems"
It seems that no one really cares or considers it a problem but you. Your husband does not seem to mind and it does not appear that the kids are coming to you and asking for help. Who is putting pressure on you and what do they want you to do?
You seem to want the perfect world and it does not exist.
Perhaps something that attracted your husband to you is your ability/habit/tendency to be a leader in relationships and to organize other people. He sounds much more passive, and I can see how he might have valued having someone who he thought would be the "social director" of the relationship. This role seems to be most commonly held by the female in the relationship, but I do know of couples where the man is the extrovert and the "social director" for the couple and extended family.
I wonder how his kids feel about his passivity. I wonder if they wish he made more of an effort to be part of their lives. Maybe they don't, in which case, I guess it works for them and him. But if they do, and he perhaps subconsciously wanted you to be the one who was the "connector," then that is a sad situation.
I can tell you that I have a passive, now elderly father, who doesn't make much effort to stay in touch with my siblings and I. It has been extremely hurtful to all of us, and we've gradually drifted further from each other with each passing year. Back when I used to confront him on this, he would blame it on his live-in girlfriend.
But I've long since realized that is just an excuse. He could have tried if he wanted to. I do think his girlfriend is happy to have him all to herself (and involved with HER kids and grandkids). My siblings and I wish so much he had gotten together with a friendly, welcoming extroverted woman who wanted us to be part of their lives and had played "social director" for my passive, introverted father.
But he didn't and so now we are all mostly estranged.
I agree with Sweetana: I'd stay out of it. If he wants a relationship with his kids, then he will find a way to do that.
I, myself, have a step-mother and I don't care to establish a relationship with her.
To me: My relationship is with my father. When I go to their house, I go to see my father. When I call, I call to speak to him. Not his wife. Her relationship with my father is one I respect also; as long as she doesn't try to get involved when I'm trying to discuss something with him that has absolutely nothing to do with her. We are both grown women and I imagine she can understand that concept by now.
I don't have a huge problem with her or any resentment, but I'd be irked beyond belief if she suddenly tried to form outings or get togethers with me.
You can't change your H. If he doesn't want a relationship with his kids, you can't make him want one. And maybe he doesn't really want to babysit for them. I would be kind to everyone and just let it be. If he wants to change, he will.
And it's not your 'job' or responsibility. You married him, not his adult children.
I've seen this play out in my one of my friend's household. She is the second wife; the husband had one daughter from his first marriage. The daughter was fairly young when they first married; perhaps middle school age.
SHE is the one that initiated all activity; outings, had her over to spend the night; took her shopping, etc.
Her husband showed little interest; to be fair, he is a very passive guy and that is why their marriage works.
However, if not for my friend, I don't think he would have lifted a finger to maintain a relationship with his daughter. I will never understand this mindset.
Anyway, I'm glad she made the effort - but it WAS a little easier with only one stepdaughter at the time and no kids of her own.
Bottom line, I think your hus band is the one who needs to make the effort. Those are his kids and grandkids.
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