Husband has almost no relationship with his kids (wife, spouse, father)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We both have children from previous marriages. My husband's grown children live in town, and all 3 have children of their own. My husband has almost no relationship with them. Their is no animosity, but he simply doesn't have much sense of family. I'm so tired of feeling guilty about the situation. I have talked to him about it many times and he says he knows and will try to change, but he never does. This probably happens a lot with divorce and remarriage. Part of the problem may have to do with the toxic marriage & nasty divorce of my husband and his ex-wife, but that's only a piece of it.
I feel like all the pressure is on the wife (me) to try to solve these problems, but I have a full time job and handle about 70% of our home based business. I'm baffled as to what I can do. I do know his children, but have really never developed a real relationship with any of them. I'm not a "Martha Stewart" type of woman and am uncomfortable entertaining. One time my husband offered to babysit his 5 year old grandkids (twins) without checking with me. He dumped them on me and went in the bedroom and feel asleep. Needless to say I was a little upset with the situation. Our house was not childproofed since my son was a teenager, and I had no toys/books around to entertain them. It was pretty awful because I'm not one of those women who loves kids and I feel awkward around most of them.
I suspect my step-daughters resent me, but I have always felt like it is my husbands responsibility to maintain a relationship with them, and it's not up to me. I find it all very awkward and I get really sad around the holidays.
Don't let your suspicions get the best of you. Put it where it belongs in a "come across the bridge when it is finally out in the open" category and at the very least in regards to everything else, recognize that it is out of your control area.
Just look for opportunities of what you can do; send a christmas card; send a treat to the family; or treat the children of the family to something like getting yourself and your husband to take them to a professional ball game that they would like to see in a stadium or a movie.
We often want to be able to give all that we can give to show that we love them but yet the receiver and the time limits our ability to do so. That doesn't mean that the love is not there.
One can attempt the headache of planning a family reunion to get everybody's plans to line up for a gathering at a park or a reception area for a meal and family fun, and pray that God will bless the event in bringing it about and having it a successful that they would like to do it again. Even if you cannot get everybody to come, be grateful for those that were able to come and just enjoy the moment.
However, I would suspect that what your husband had done regarding babysitting the twins was on purpose to show that he was not all for it, but he wants to please you in the way he knows how in that you wanted to spend time with his side of the family.
Maybe he feels he has let them down and failed as a father and so why bother? Maybe he just doesn't care to be reminded of that part of his life and the wounds that came with it. Counseling may be in order, but may God help you with that one. Probably the only way to get him to open up is for you to talk to him. Find out how his father had raised him; maybe that's why. Children have a tendency to follow in their father's foot steps in how they had related to them; distant, cold, indifference, and unapproachable.
It may be that for whatever opportunities you have to really relate to his side of the family, you will just have to do it and hope he will see your example and follow suit, seeing the fruits of response for your efforts in that he would prefer that as well.
How does he relate to other people? Neighbours and the like? Does he have any friends?
Maybe you can figure out the differences better as to why he behaves as he does, but looking to him to change himself is not the way to go.
A prayer to Jesus Christ may work. Maybe He will give him the love he needs to forgive others and treat them as he would treat Jesus. But, of course, if neither of you are believers in Jesus Christ, then this advise will not be applicable for you, other than to give Him a try and pray for him now.
I am sorry that is happening however you really can't blame yourself.
If his adult children are old enough to have children of their own that are at least five years old they probably are 25 or 30 years old. It is pretty obvious that he never had a good, loving relationship with them. You only married him 11 years ago, well after his relationships with his children was established.
What can you do now?
First of all, insist that your husband discuss with you in advance any plans that involve the two of you caring for his/your grandchildren. Notice that it must be him or the two of you not just "dumping" the grandkids on you and him going to bed. IMHO, it is NOT the new wife's responsibility to handle the social life for her husband's family
Secondly, if you have been married 11 years and his/your grandchildren live in town, why don't you have any toys or books at Grandpa & Grandma's house? It doesn't need to be a lot but even my friends who have been single their entire lives have a few coloring books, crayons, books and simple toys on hand for when nieces and nephews or children of friends visit them. You can get things at the Dollar Store or at Goodwill if you can't spend a lot of money.
Perhaps you and your husband can plan a few simple activities or get togethers with his family. Even a potluck meal together at your home followed by a movie & popcorn for the kids while the adults chat (of course, keeping an eye on the kids). Or a cookout during warm weather.
Frankly, your husband sounds pretty self centered. Or is it possible that he is depressed?
Of course it is up to him and them to have a relationship with each other, and yes most children grow up wanting a good relationship with their father so they may resent the people that do have that relationship with him.
However that does not prevent you from having or maintaining a relationship with them if that is what you want, although I question that as you complain about him dumping the grand kids on you. At 5 years old there is plenty of stuff for you to find for them to do, even if it is just grabbing some pens and paper and having them draw pictures for their mommy and daddy. By 5 you really should not have to worry about them crawling around on the floor and creating problems.
I have a very complicated family, my real parents were divorced when I was 2 months old, the man who raised me and who I consider my dad adopted me at 3 years old, but he got a divorce from my mother when I was 14, he remarried a few years later to a wonderful woman that I consider 1 of my step moms. This lady has a great relationship not only with me and my sister who has the same father as me, but also with my 2 half brothers that are his sons. In fact the relationship between us kids and her is considerably better than the relationship between us and him as he is constantly working and is in and out of town.
My kids know her as grandma, she acts like a grandma and does what she can to be a grandmother, despite the fact that her kids were actually in their early teens when I had my 1st child and her 1st grandchild was just born about a year ago.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We both have children from previous marriages. My husband's grown children live in town, and all 3 have children of their own. My husband has almost no relationship with them. Their is no animosity, but he simply doesn't have much sense of family. I'm so tired of feeling guilty about the situation. I have talked to him about it many times and he says he knows and will try to change, but he never does. This probably happens a lot with divorce and remarriage. Part of the problem may have to do with the toxic marriage & nasty divorce of my husband and his ex-wife, but that's only a piece of it.
I feel like all the pressure is on the wife (me) to try to solve these problems, but I have a full time job and handle about 70% of our home based business. I'm baffled as to what I can do. I do know his children, but have really never developed a real relationship with any of them. I'm not a "Martha Stewart" type of woman and am uncomfortable entertaining. One time my husband offered to babysit his 5 year old grandkids (twins) without checking with me. He dumped them on me and went in the bedroom and feel asleep. Needless to say I was a little upset with the situation. Our house was not childproofed since my son was a teenager, and I had no toys/books around to entertain them. It was pretty awful because I'm not one of those women who loves kids and I feel awkward around most of them.
I suspect my step-daughters resent me, but I have always felt like it is my husbands responsibility to maintain a relationship with them, and it's not up to me. I find it all very awkward and I get really sad around the holidays.
Step away from it. I had the same issue, but decided it wasn't my place. Things worked out in the end. They probably do not resent you and don't even think of you or your husband. Probably have a better relationship with the mom - which is normal. Don't worry about it. Let it go!
You mentioned that you feel that his daughters resent you. How old were they when their parents got divorced? Did you have anything to do with the divorce? Or could his daughters suspect that you may have had something to do with his parents divorce (even if you did not)?
Or did you start dating their father well after the divorce was final?
This may seem like a silly question but I remember another poster on C-D complaining about something similar and she finally mentioned that she had an affair with their dad while he was still married and living with their mom. Sheesh, it was not surprising that his children did not like being around their dad's new spouse (their step-mom) and did not "warm up to her" like she wanted them to do.
Although, I truly believe it is up to their father to strengthen the relationship with his adult children, you can do things, too. Perhaps, taking his daughter out to lunch on a Saturday for "girl talk" or just meet one on one at a coffee shop.
Perhaps you and your husband can set up a time when the two of you care for each families children for an evening, at your home, to let their parents have a date night. It is win-win situation. You get to know your grandchildren better, his adult children will appreciate it and they may reciprocate with invitations of their own. If you raised a child then you must know something about children.
OTOH, you have been married 11 years. Most new spouses try to get to know their step-children as soon as they get married, or even before, and not wait over a decade. What happened in those first 11 years?
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We both have children from previous marriages. My husband's grown children live in town, and all 3 have children of their own. My husband has almost no relationship with them. Their is no animosity, but he simply doesn't have much sense of family. I'm so tired of feeling guilty about the situation.
Then stop.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jakealope;
I have talked to him about it many times and he says he knows and will try to change, but he never does. This probably happens a lot with divorce and remarriage. Part of the problem may have to do with the toxic marriage & nasty divorce of my husband and his ex-wife, but that's only a piece of it.
I feel like all the pressure is on the wife (me) to try to solve these problems, but I have a full time job and handle about 70% of our home based business. I'm baffled as to what I can do. I do know his children, but have really never developed a real relationship with any of them. I'm not a "Martha Stewart" type of woman and am uncomfortable entertaining. One time my husband offered to babysit his 5 year old grandkids (twins) without checking with me. He dumped them on me and went in the bedroom and feel asleep. Needless to say I was a little upset with the situation. Our house was not childproofed since my son was a teenager, and I had no toys/books around to entertain them. It was pretty awful because I'm not one of those women who loves kids and I feel awkward around most of them.
I suspect my step-daughters resent me, but I have always felt like it is my husbands responsibility to maintain a relationship with them, and it's not up to me. I find it all very awkward and I get really sad around the holidays.
What problems? Are there problems? Maybe everything's fine. He may have been one of those fathers who never was involved with his kids. If so, he's not going to change now, after half a lifetime. And why should he?
If he volunteers to babysit, he needs to babysit. Have you not talked to him about this? Why bring this up to us, and not him? Just tell him you're not available to babysit, so he should be judicious about volunteering himself, because he's the one who will have to do the babysitting.
This sounds like much ado about nothing. Why are you sad and upset about this, when you have your own kids? What's going on, on your side of the family? Are you having your kids over, or do they live with you? Is there a reason you're focussing on your husband's kids and his relationship with them, instead of your own relationship with your kids?
Moderator cut: delete
I think it would be easier if I had a support group helping me. My family lives 600 miles away and my son lives in NYC. I had a father who took a lot of initiative with organizing family functions and family reunions, so I think I've never known how to deal with my husband, who doesn't take any initiative to do anything. I feel like society puts all the pressure on the woman/wife to take control of both families regardless of whether they are housewives or not. I guess I'm just not capable of doing that. I feel so overwhelmed with work all the time that I don't even know how to start working on this.
This is probably way too complicated for a forum. For some reason I felt the need to post here. I do talk to my husband about this a lot, but he feels like he can't change. My father just passed away and I am really trying to put more emphasis on family relationships. My husbands parents have both passed away and my husband says he feels a lot of regret for not having a better relationship with them.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-20-2014 at 07:14 PM..
Reason: deleted personal info at posters request
You mentioned that you feel that his daughters resent you.
The reason I think they resent me is because I have heard many, many step-moms called "That Woman." My father-in-law remarried very soon after his wife passed away and all 3 of his daughters (my sisters-in-law) complained about "That Woman". They later found out the women was a very nice person and a godsend to their father. My Mom and her 2 sisters had the same situation. My grandmother passed away and my grandfather remarried, probably because he was lonely. My mom & aunts called his wife "That Woman" and ridiculed her. My ex-mother-in-law had 2 sisters. Their father remarried and they hated his wife and called her "That Woman". I met the woman and she seemed perfectly nice. I hear the scenario over and over again, every time a man remarries due to divorce or his wife passing away. The new wife is always "That Woman." I assume that they all call me "That Woman" behind my back.
Being a step mother is difficult. I think a lot of it has to do with feelings the children have, wishing about what their mom could or should have been. Then "that woman" comes along, and even if she embodies those could/should qualities, she is resented. It hurts.
If you really want to do something in the situation, I suggest starting with the smallest thing you can think of and doing that one thing. Have them over for coffee or meet for lunch. See what comes from one small thing. Communicate your hopes and expectations to your husband first and secure his blessing. If he doesn't want to participate, you are going to have a tough time establishing a relationship with his children.
Good luck!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
