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Hey, you married him. I wouldn't sweat it. Be nice. Send cards on holidays. Keep an open invitation for them to come by anytime and PRETEND you enjoy the visits, should they occur. When Jeff and I got together, we suddenly had 9 kids. Not really his and mine. They're pretty much all grown but we love them all. His daughters - one in particular - have more of a problem with me than the boys but that's okay. They feel unfaithful to their mother if they're nice to me. Their problem. Not mine.
You might think of developing a relationship with your children and grandchildren on your own terms. There is no need to wait for any one else.
If you do not wish a relationship with them that is also a choice. Your husband may not be inclined to keep a relationship with his children, however nothing is stopping you. Go for it. Kids can be a hoot.
Yes, but probably not any more than most men. I don't think I've met too many men who aren't self centered. It seems to be part of their DNA.
We must know very different men. None of the men that I worked with over the years (I'm in education) and none of my male friends and relatives would be considered "self-centered". They are all wonderful "family men".
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenSparkles
Perhaps something that attracted your husband to you is your ability/habit/tendency to be a leader in relationships and to organize other people. He sounds much more passive, and I can see how he might have valued having someone who he thought would be the "social director" of the relationship. This role seems to be most commonly held by the female in the relationship, but I do know of couples where the man is the extrovert and the "social director" for the couple and extended family.
I also know quite a few men that are the "social director" for the couple and their extended family.
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OP, I was thinking more about your post since I responded earlier today. If you have not "made friends with" and developed a relationship with his adult children in the 11 years that you were married plus all of the time that you were dating (however long that was) perhaps you should just "give up" and forget about it. You can concentrate on being a good mother to your son and his future spouse and future children. Send birthday cards, holiday greetings and attend family functions but don't expect to be a part of their lives. After 11 plus years, it seems pretty unlikely that anything different will happen. You can be welcoming to his family, open to their overtures and encourage your husband to get involved, but if you haven't gained his daughter's trust and respect in over a decade why do you think that it will change now?
I do have one bit of advice. Be sure that you save plenty of money for retirement and check into nursing home insurance and similar things as I really doubt that his daughters will feel any obligation or interest to help him (or you) if you need any assistance in your old age. Not that children have to help their elderly parents but I suspect that your husband and his children/grandchildren will start to grow farther and farther apart unless he really, really tries to change his behavior.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-20-2014 at 04:42 PM..
I resent growing up in a sick alcoholic home, not only the alcoholic but the other parent who wouldn't take us out of the situation until much older.
Zero sympathy or interest in trying to pretend it can be fixed, and quite happy to leave that in the past. While I understand you are his wife, I'm not sure you quite understand how indifferent he actually is, back then and now. When we start having children of our own, that resentment gets worse.
Bottom line, they know he isn't a great dad, who would want a parent whose spouse is pushing them to care? Ouch. You are so close to him you don't see it.
Don't get me wrong, you sound like a really great person, but he dropped the ball long ago and they are mature enough to know it.
"I feel like all the pressure is on the wife (me) to try to solve these problems"
It seems that no one really cares or considers it a problem but you. Your husband does not seem to mind and it does not appear that the kids are coming to you and asking for help. Who is putting pressure on you and what do they want you to do?
You seem to want the perfect world and it does not exist.
You are probably right. I put the pressure on myself to be perfect all the time. Stupid.......I know.
I resent growing up in a sick alcoholic home, not only the alcoholic but the other parent who wouldn't take us out of the situation until much older.
Zero sympathy or interest in trying to pretend it can be fixed, and quite happy to leave that in the past. While I understand you are his wife, I'm not sure you quite understand how indifferent he actually is, back then and now. When we start having children of our own, that resentment gets worse.
Bottom line, they know he isn't a great dad, who would want a parent whose spouse is pushing them to care? Ouch. You are so close to him you don't see it.
Don't get me wrong, you sound like a really great person, but he dropped the ball long ago and they are mature enough to know it.
That's really interesting and maybe something I had not thought of. Thank you for giving me another perspective. I will say that the 3 daughters are very close to each other, so that is really good. I'm glad they have each other. I'm a very introverted person and even though my sisters live in another state I consider them my best friends. Siblings can be a wonderful gift.
One of the major reasons for not taking them out of the situation was financial. My husband has said he should have done it anyway, but hind sight is 20/20.
Moderator cut: delete
I think it would be easier if I had a support group helping me. My family lives 600 miles away and my son lives in NYC. I had a father who took a lot of initiative with organizing family functions and family reunions, so I think I've never known how to deal with my husband, who doesn't take any initiative to do anything. I feel like society puts all the pressure on the woman/wife to take control of both families regardless of whether they are housewives or not. I guess I'm just not capable of doing that. I feel so overwhelmed with work all the time that I don't even know how to start working on this.
This is probably way too complicated for a forum. For some reason I felt the need to post here. I do talk to my husband about this a lot, but he feels like he can't change. My father just passed away and I am really trying to put more emphasis on family relationships. My husbands parents have both passed away and my husband says he feels a lot of regret for not having a better relationship with them.
There's nothing to work on. You're putting this pressure on yourself, not "society", and you don't need the extra stress. Accept the situation for what it is. It's not really your situation, anyway; it's between your husband and his kids. If he's not motivated to do something about it, that's his choice.
Odd that he regrets not having a better relationship with his parents, while being indifferent to his own kids, though. He doesn't seem to see a connection between those two issues.
The reason I think they resent me is because I have heard many, many step-moms called "That Woman." The new wife is always "That Woman." I assume that they all call me "That Woman" behind my back.
Don't just assume that. Simply being "that woman" anyway could just be from not knowing you and not wanting to know you because they don't care to deal with their father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jakealope
Yes, but probably not any more than most men. I don't think I've met too many men who aren't self centered. It seems to be part of their DNA. They have a self-confidence and sense of entitlement that eludes most women.
I'm sorry you think that's the behavior of most men.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
There's nothing to work on. You're putting this pressure on yourself, not "society", and you don't need the extra stress. Accept the situation for what it is. It's not really your situation, anyway; it's between your husband and his kids. If he's not motivated to do something about it, that's his choice.
This. If he isn't going to do anything, nothing is going to change. Simple as that.
OP - you seem so sure about how other people operate or think. Please try to keep an open mind.
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