Am I reacting to this appropriately? (SO and adult daughter) (wife, girlfriend)
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So I've been dating this gentleman (SO) for about six months. He has an adult daughter who lives out of state. She had a two week visit at SO's house this past summer. SO wanted to introduce us, but the daughter refused. SO felt very bad about this. SO shared that daughter and his last girlfriend had a very bad relationship; their first meeting went very badly (the ex-girlfriend, from what SO and others have told me, was grossly inappropriate, long story) and daughter would have nothing to do with gf after that.
Now it is Christmas and daughter is coming again to visit, for about a week. She'll be staying at SO's house again. SO asked his daughter if he could arrange something for SO, the daughter, and her two adult siblings (whom I have met, and this went well) to do that would include me. Daughter responded that she wasn't really comfortable with meeting me. SO implied to me that some of his family AND his ex-wife/daughter's mom (they've been been divorced for about 10 years) seem to have hope that SO and ex-wife will eventually get back together, so that may be part of the problem, not just the history with his ex-girlfriend. SO has really been worrying about the whole situation; he does not want me to feel slighted by the situation, but also does not want to anger daughter by pushing the issue. It's particularly awkward since he and I usually see each other a few times a week, sometimes at his house and sometimes mine, but the daughter is going to be staying at his house.
My response to SO was that I am not slighted. I feel that Christmas is sort of a sacred time for families. Meeting a parent's SO for the first time during the holiday celebrations could just add a layer of stress. I suggested he not push the issue. SO and I will celebrate Christmas together at my house on Christmas Eve. I am fine until waiting until her next visit (which probably won't be until next summer) to meet her (at which point, if things continue to go well, SO and I would've been dating for over a year). I am not sure how to react at that point if she is still refusing to meet me, but there's not much point in worrying about that now.
I just wanted some feedback on if I am handling this okay. My ex-husband had an adult son but he never acted like this, he was always polite and respectful, and we got along well. Personally I think the daughter is acting like a child, but I suppose we are all a little childish when it comes to our parents, and I think if I am ungracious about it, I'm just going to make myself look bad.
No, you're not handling it okay. So your SO is afraid he's gonna upset "Little Suzy's" feelings? Boo hoo! Tell your SO to stop letting his ADULT daughter dictate his life. She's an ADULT for God's sake. If she can't emotionally handle who daddy's dating, then she's got deeper issues. If SO really cares for ya, he needs to tell his daughter to put her big girl panties and deal with it. If not, then it's time for you to move on.
I'm 34. My parents divorced when I was 13. I lived with my Mother and she dated various guys. I didn't particularly like any of them. But I was a teenager and I was still bitter over my parents divorcing, so my response was to be expected. Fast forward to 24. I was out on my own, grown up and starting my life. In the meantime, my Mother was getting remarried. He was/is a nice guy and I was happy for her. Where am I going with this? Where I'm going is that I grew up, became an adult, started my own life and didn't care who my Mother dated/married anymore. Sounds like SO's daughter needs to do the same.
No, you're not handling it okay. So your SO is afraid he's gonna upset "Little Suzy's" feelings? Boo hoo! Tell your SO to stop letting his ADULT daughter dictate his life. She's an ADULT for God's sake. If she can't emotionally handle who daddy's dating, then she's got deeper issues. If SO really cares for ya, he needs to tell his daughter to put her big girl panties and deal with it. If not, then it's time for you to move on.
I'm 34. My parents divorced when I was 13. I lived with my Mother and she dated various guys. I didn't particularly like any of them. But I was a teenager and I was still bitter over my parents divorcing, so my response was to be expected. Fast forward to 24. I was out on my own, grown up and starting my life. In the meantime, my Mother was getting remarried. He was/is a nice guy and I was happy for her. Where am I going with this? Where I'm going is that I grew up, became an adult, started my own life and didn't care who my Mother dated/married anymore. Sounds like SO's daughter needs to do the same.
Glad you grew up and handled your situated better but telling the OP she isn't handling the situation well is ridiculous. You just admitted to being a brat like the daughter in this situation, if anything you should be commending her for exercising patience and understanding considering the relationship is just 6 months old and the daughter still has scars from the previous into to a girl friend.
@OP - you are doing fine. There's a good chance the kid will never warm up to you but that shouldn't change your positive and calm attitude towards the situation. Personally, I stayed clear of single parents when I was single and had no children because I couldn't handle situations like you've described. Children sometimes play a key role in undermining what could very well be a beautiful relationship. I see nothing wrong with your actions thus far. Just note that it probably isn't going to be a smooth ride but if the guy is worth it, I think you should stay the course and work on earning the trust of his children.
Have your SO arrange a nice dinner out during the holidays and invite all 3 of his kids to join the two of you. Older daughter can decline if she wants, but maybe she will surprise you. This way you won't appear "hidden away" and it sort of normalizes the social interaction between you and his family.
I think your approach seems very logical under the circumstances as you presented them. You are balancing your feeling and your SO's and his family. Not easy, but by you appearing not to be adding any further layer of stress is the best approach long-term. If things continue to go well, this holiday season and the way you are handling it is a building block for the relationship.
I hope it goes well for you and your SO down the line.
Have your SO arrange a nice dinner out during the holidays and invite all 3 of his kids to join the two of you. Older daughter can decline if she wants, but maybe she will surprise you. This way you won't appear "hidden away" and it sort of normalizes the social interaction between you and his family.
I think this is a brilliant idea.
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Thanks - I love the idea of a family dinner, and I will suggest it.
For the record I do agree with football45013 about the daughter's attitude and behavior, but I'm not ready to let this be a dealbreaker for the relationship, and I don't think it's worth a big fight (especially at Christmas), especially since we haven't been dating for very long. I will say that I'm comfortable letting things slide right now if daughter is so uncomfortable, but if this happens again next summer (or whenever she next visits) then I do plan on reacting differently. It feels weird to not really be able to see each other right now like we normally do. I am hoping that the daughter relaxes a little bit though - her siblings seem okay with me, and SO's friends seem to really like me, and I'm hoping they'll put in a good word for me, and maybe that will help her cope. I'll cross my fingers that we can all do dinner over the next week and she can meet me and see that dad is happy.
OP-You've been dating him for 6 months. It's not a fling. Tell your adult SO to tell his adult daughter to buck up and get over it. Maybe Christmas isn't the best time but it's going to happen one day anyways so why not now. Is she forever going to avoid you? GL
She's not 9 and sharing daddy anymore... completely ridiculous, the grown up man needs to set some boundaries with her and she needs to accept that her father has a life and she needs to grow up and be respectful.
This story got me friggin irritated to be honest.... The guy is letting his daughter act rude and inappropriate.
Where I come from you meet people you act decent and you move on....
OP-You've been dating him for 6 months. It's not a fling. Tell your adult SO to tell his adult daughter to buck up and get over it. Maybe Christmas isn't the best time but it's going to happen one day anyways so why not now. Is she forever going to avoid you? GL
I think the opposite....it's only been no six months. There is no telling how many girlfriends he has already had after getting divorced. I would just take it easy and try to meet the daughter over the summer. Let everyone settle down and get things all together before next Christmas.
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