Awkward work situation - not my fault (socialize, meeting, appropriate)
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Although, it certainly has not been a common occurrence I probably have been contacted by a male coworker at home in the evenings or during a vacation at least 20 or 30 times over the years. In 100% of the cases it was business related. Usually they had a question that needed answered before the 8 AM meeting the next morning and sometimes it was to schedule a meeting between multiple people (as some team members worked in different buildings).
One call was to let me know that one of my students had died unexpectedly over the weekend. And another time it was to let me know that a former student had died in another city. And a third time it was to tell me that a coworker had just been diagnosed with a fatal illness.
And a few times it was to let me know that a group of people were planning a summer vacation get together.
But, calling to ask me out on a date. Not even once.
Perhaps I should feel insulted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete
All fine and whatnot, but IMO the difference is the co-worker in the OP's case simply texted her an invite for coffee, no context. I agree she could have responded innocently, but I don't know the circumstances of their work relationship.
I can say this...there are lots of married women I've worked with professionally that have contacted me off hours on a work matter, and even so if I got a text from one of them suggesting "coffee" and nothing else I'd be a bit intrigued.
I think that part of the problem is that it was a text vs. a phone call. In some of the situations where I was informed of a death or severe illness, it was hardly the type of thing that you would say in a text but would want to do in person or by phone (at a minimum).
But, there may be occupations and businesses where when married men text a woman and invite them for coffee it rarely is related to business matters.
Today was the first day back after the holidays and he pretty much ignored me and made things very awkward, it was almost like he was acting like a child that couldn't get his way and that I was the rude one for not replying to him or acknowledging his text to me - why should I? I didn't ask him to text me, and it actually made me feel extremely uncomfortable (he is married). Why should I have to talk to him about his inappropriate use of work information for personal use? He can ask me about it if he likes, and I'll be happy to tell him how what he did was wrong. But I am not going to be the one to bring it up.
What would other people have done? Am I right to just ignore it? He hasn't texted me again, and I don't think he will.
If it had been a work-related issue, he should have mentioned that in the text and/or when you saw him again at work.
You had no obligation at all to reply, though in hindsight maybe you could have replied "What would this meeting be in regard to?", just to put him on the spot.
You're right not to bring it up at work now, he knows he did wrong and is behaving childishly.
You ignored him, and then he ignored you. Fair, albeit a little childish.
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Going by many of the responses in this thread, I guess I (a man) can just dig through our office emergency phone list and pick out a random female coworker and contact her at home to ask her to coffee? And it would be rude of HER if she didn't respond?
Really?????
Every situation and action differs depending on environment unless you aren't concerned with the potential outcome. There is no question that the guy contacting her without invitation was innapropriate but I believe in rising above anothers foolish behaviour if I can. i.e, I would try to handle it in a way that would not create problems for myself at work.
Ive dealt with lots of work issues without any further problems while reinforcing boundaries and addressing the problem. I have seen others have almost the exact same problem but how they dealt with it meant a bad atmosphere, management involvement, written reports, anger, fights and all sorts of nonsense. Someone eventually asked me how I handled it because they felt bad concerning the outcome.
I can't control how idiots act but I can decide how I react to an idiots actions.
So on my first day of the xmas holidays, I received a text from a co-worker to whom I'm friendly as I am with everyone else I work with. I've never given this co-worker my number - he must have got it from the team page where we were all asked to fill in our details - I'm presuming for work related business. His text was asking if I wanted to meet him for coffee over the holidays.
I was pretty annoyed that he texted me, and I decided to ignore it - I felt I didn't owe him a response since I never gave him my number and we are not friends - never spent time with him outside of work.
Today was the first day back after the holidays and he pretty much ignored me and made things very awkward, it was almost like he was acting like a child that couldn't get his way and that I was the rude one for not replying to him or acknowledging his text to me - why should I? I didn't ask him to text me, and it actually made me feel extremely uncomfortable (he is married). Why should I have to talk to him about his inappropriate use of work information for personal use? He can ask me about it if he likes, and I'll be happy to tell him how what he did was wrong. But I am not going to be the one to bring it up.
What would other people have done? Am I right to just ignore it? He hasn't texted me again, and I don't think he will.
Honestly why do guys do this type of thing? I NEVER gave him any sign that I was interested in him, or in meeting him outside of work.
I agree that you probably shouldn't have assumed that this wasn't just something friendly. Maybe he was looking to bring his wife along? Probably not but why not ask?
It's not good to not communicate at all with him IMO. If it is clear he is looking for an extramarital relationship, then you should just tell him you are not interested.
No reason why you should have to put up with childish awkward interaction at work because of this. If he was in the wrong, then let him alone bear the burden of social awkwardness around you for his actions.
If someone from work contacts me they will receive a response. The response will vary depending on why they contacted me.
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Wow so many replies - sorry for not coming back sooner - there was only one reply when I went to sleep last night, then in the morning I went to work, and just got home
Thanks for all the feedback and advice, I'll answer some of the queries that were made. We're in software development, and he's considered a bit more senior than I am, and we do work a bit together.
To people who said he may have wanted to talk about a work related issue or job performance - nope I know it wasn't anything to do with work. I can tell by the type of person he is and our interactions so far that it wasn't to warn me about anything at work or to offer me any work opportunities. Besides which, texting me in the xmas holidays isn't the way to talk about something to do with work anyway - ample opportunity during work time.
Why I didn't respond is I thought it very inappropriate since he's married, but that said I don't want to be his friend either, even if that's all he was after - I just have no interest in any kind of relationship with him outside of work. I do have friends from this workplace that I see outside of work, because they are the sort of people that I like to hang out with. I don't think I've given any sign that I would like to be friends with him either - yeah we're friendly - we talk about work stuff and technology. I don't think I've ever even had a conversation with him about anything else ever.
I don't think I "escalated" things by ignoring the text, and not mentioning it when I saw him - my point of view is that it was up to HIM to ask about it if he was wondering why I didn't answer, since I never gave him my number. In my eyes - when he took the risk of texting me, he should have prepared himself for the possibility of no reply.
I am glad some people understand the craziness of what happened to me. To the ones who think I was rude - that's fine that you think that, but I actually think he was the rude one for putting me in this awkward spot!
Did you recognize his number or did he identify who he was in the text? I ask because if I receive a message from someone I don't know/recognize, I usually reply with something to the effect of 'you have the wrong number'.
He wrote his name at the end.
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